JOKES - 900 TO 999
900. A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He replied that he felt great. The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man again replied that he felt great. The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad. The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible." The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he felt great. The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that he definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "feels great". The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels great'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell me, what is it?" The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina!"
901. A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh." "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen."
902. A man went to see his docter concerned about a mysterious ring that he had found around the tip of his penis. The docter looked him over and immediatly gave him a lotion to rub around the infected spot and told him to come and see him in the morning. The man come back in joy saying that the ring around the tip of his penis had all but disapeared like it was a miracle. He curiously asked the docter, the lotion you gave me is it some new wonder drug? The docter replied chuckling, no my good friend it was lipstick remover.
903. A young man went to a doctor and said, “I am very thankful for the medicine you had given. It was a great help and I was greatly benefited.” “But I don’t remember you ever came to me and that I had given you any medicine” said the doctor. “My uncle was your patient, who got the medicine”, explained the young man, “He died 3 days after taking your medicine and I am now the sole inheritor of his wealth!”
904. “What are my chances of recovery?” asked the bed-ridden man. “One hundred percent recovery”, the physician reassured him, “Medical records show that nine out of every ten die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I have treated, the others all died. You are bound to get well!”
905. Young doctor: “Why do you always ask your patients what they have for dinner?” Old doctor: “It’s a most important question, for according to their menu I make out my bills!”
906. Ralph and Edith were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edith promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edith’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edith the news she said, “Edith, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, I am afraid that Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt straight after you saved him. I am really sorry, but he's dead.” Edith replied, “He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home!?”
907. A patient went to his Doctor who said, “I have bad news and really bad news.” ”What’s the bad news?” asked the patient. “You only have 24 hours to live” said the Doctor. “That’s terrible, what could the really bad news be?” The Doctor replied, "I’ve been trying to get in touch with you since yesterday!”
908. A woman went to the Doctor and said, “When I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw my hair was frizzy, my skin wrinkly, my eyes bloodshot – what is wrong with me?” The Doctor replied, “Well the good news is that your eyesight is fine!”
909. My girlfriend was slightly overweight. So our Doctor put her on a diet. He said to her that she had to eat regularly for 2 days, skip a day and repeat that procedure for 3 weeks and that when he see her next time, she should have lost at least seven pounds. When she returned 3 weeks later, she had lost 18 pounds. “That's amazing”, said the doctor, “Did you follow my instructions?” My girlfriend replied, “Yes but I tell you what, I thought that third day was going to kill me.” “From hunger?” asked the Doctor. “No, from skipping!” replied my girlfriend.
910. Doctor: “You are on a diet. So eat a single egg and half a cup of milk.” Patient: “Before or after lunch doctor!?”
911. A new patient arrived at the local health centre and the receptionist was taking down some details. “What is your age Mr. Jones?” she enquired. “I'm not telling you” came the reply. “We need to know for our records” said the receptionist sternly. “Okay, take the number 26 and double it and then add 14” said Mr. Jones.” ”That equals 66” said the receptionist. “Now take 66 away from that figure and what do you have?”" Mr. Jones retorted. “Zero” said the receptionist looking rather puzzled. “Exactly, and that is what chance you have got of me letting you know my age!”
912. Patient: “Every night in my dreams, celebrities come and play football.” Doctor: “Don’t worry, take this tablet and everything will be fine.” Patient: “Can I take it tomorrow? Today is the final match!”
913. Patient: “Pease give some vitamin tablets for my one year old son.” Doctor: “Do you want Vitamin A or B or C?” Patient: “Anything will do. My son doesn’t know the alphabets yet as he is just an year old!”
914. Woman: “Doctor, I have a problem. I am...” Doctor: “I know your problem. You always dream that you have become a horse, right?” Woman: “How do you know?” Doctor: “Your pony tail hair style!”
915. Mr.Jones: “Doctor, my son is having a problem.” He plugged up his ear and nose with chilies. Now he is screaming. Doctor: “That means he is not eating properly!”
916. Doctor: “Here is the medicine. Take four spoons daily.” Patient: “But I don’t have four spoons in house. Do I have to buy one!?”
917. Two friends run to a doctor, one of them said, “Doctor, I accidentally swallowed a marble. Please get it out from my stomach.” Doctor: “Yes sure, but why your friend is here?” Boy: “Because it’s his marble!”
918. Patient: “Doctor, give me a medicine which will change my mood to an angry mood.” Doctor: “You don’t need any medicine. One of my slaps will be enough!”
919. Patient: “Doctor, I can’t breathe perfectly.” Doctor: “Don’t worry, I will stop it permanently!”
920. Patient: “You couldn’t treat my malaria disease, don’t I have cancer?” Doctor: “No, why do you think that?” Patient: “Another doctor treated my friend as a malaria patient, but he died on cancer.” Doctor: “Relax, I don’t do much mistakes. If I treat anyone as a malaria patient, he always dies due to malaria!”
921. Doctor: “The payment cheque you gave me has bounced back from the bank.” Patient: “Because the disease you cured before had returned as well!”
922. Doctor: “Mr. Jack, I have a good news and bad news for you. Which one you want to hear first?” Mr. Jack: “Tell me the bad one.” Doctor: “The bad news is, both your legs have to be removed.” Mr. Jack: “And the good news?” Doctor: “I will buy all your shoes cheaply!”
923. A busy dentist and a patient: Patient: “Doctor, my teeth...” Doctor: “I know what to do. Open your mouth.” When the patient opened his mouth and the dentist pulled three of his front teeth. Patient: “What have you done?” Doctor: “Its weird, I pulled three of your teeth without any bleeding.” Patient: “Those were fake teeth!”
924. Doctor: “Operation successful!! You can hear everything from now.” Patient: “Did you say something!?”
925. Once a man ran to the Doctor, “My wife accidentally drank some petrol. Now she is running in the house. What should I do?” Doctor smiled, “Lock all the doors and windows in the house. She will stop when the petrol is over!”
926. Doctor to patient: “You lost your memory so I want the payment in advance now!”
927. Patient: “I will be fine after the operation, right?” Doctor: “Yes. But the operation is very complicated. Nine out of ten people die after this operation.” Patient: “What? Then how come you are getting sure about my safety?” Doctor: “Maybe you are the luckiest tenth person!”
928. Buyer: “Do you sell this medicine?” Seller: “Yes. It’s fake and poisonous.” Buyer: “But nobody complained about it before.” Seller: “How can dead people complain!?”
929. Patient: “Doctor, please do the operation safely. This is my first operation.” Doctor: “It’s my first operation too!”
930. Doctor: “What happened?” Patient: “I have fever.” Doctor: “Ok, go back to your home; take a bath with ice cold water, then lie under fan for 12 hours without any clothes. Come back tomorrow.” Patient: “I will be fine then?” Doctor: “No. you will get Pneumonia.” Patient: “What?” Doctor: “Don’t worry. I am only a Pneumonia specialist!”
931. Patient: “Doctor, I am having a strange dream these days. I dream that I have become a crow. What should I do?” Doctor: “It’s easy. Start eating garbage!”
932. Dr. Smith is checking a little boy named Tom. Placing the stethoscope he said, “Naughty boy, now take a long breath and say Five, three times.” Tom is great at math. He always gets 100 out of 100. He said quickly, “Doctor, its 15!”
933. Husband: “Doctor, help!” Doctor: “What's the matter?” Husband: “My wife fell down the stairs.” Doctor: “Well, where is she?” Husband (quietly): “She couldn't come.” Doctor: “Why?” Husband (quietly): “She lost her hair!”
934. Student doctor: “Please sir, there's some writing on this patient's foot.” Famous surgeon: “Ah, yes! That's a footnote!”
935. Psychiatrist: “What's your problem?” Patient: “I think I'm a chicken.” Psychiatrist: “How long has this been going on?” Patient: “Ever since I was an egg!”
936. A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn`t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor`s office. The doctor asks her what`s wrong, why doesn`t she want to have sex with her husband? "Oh, that`s easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I`ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don`t have any money. The cab driver asks me, `Are you going to pay today, or what?`So, I take an `or what`." "Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I`m late, so the boss asks me, `Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?` So, I take an `or what. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, `So, are you going to pay this time, or what?` Again, I take an `or what. So you see, doc, by the time I get home I`m all tired out and don`t want it anymore." "Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"
937. A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!"
938. The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change!"
939. There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method: General Practitioners know nothing and do little! Surgeons know little and do everything! Internists know everything and do nothing! Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late!
940. The nurse went in to check her patient in the ICU who was wearing nasal prongs. The nurse tried to talk to him, but all she could get out of him was gasping and unintelligible talk. Finally, the nurse thrust a note pad and pencil at the patient and said, "I can't understand you, sir. Please write it down." The patient weakly scribbled on the pad, "Get your dang foot off my oxygen tube!"
941. Bill: “My wife beats me, doctor.” Doctor: “Oh dear. How often?” Bill: “Every time we play Scrabble!”
942. Tom: “What's good for excessive wind, doctor?” Doctor: “A kite!”
943. Mary: “My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.” Doctor: “Oh, really?” Mary: “Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!”
944. A new arrival about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone!"
945. Patient: “Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?” Doctor: “No need for that. You will find that in your bill!”
946. Doctor: “What seems to be the trouble?” Patient: “Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.” Doctor: “What seems to be the trouble!?”
947. Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): “Will it hurt me, doctor?” Surgeon: “Only when you get my bill, Mrs. Brown!”
948. Patient: “Tell me, doctor. Is it serious?” Doctor: “Well, I wouldn't advise you to start watching any serials on TV!”
949. Patient: “Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent?” Doctor: “Yes there is...being young and broke!”
950. Patient: “Doctor, should I file my nails?” Doctor: “No, throw them away like everybody else!”
951. Patient: “Well, doc, what does the X-ray of my head show?” Doctor: “Nothing!”
952. Nurse: “Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.” Doctor: “What does he call his other eye!?”
953. Patient: “Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!” Doctor: “So, since when did you have this problem?” Patient: “What problem?” Doctor: “Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?” Patient: “What pills!?”
954. Patient: “Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?” Doctor: “Not really. It will just seem longer!”
955. Patient walks into a doctor's office. Patient: “Doctor, people ignore me.” Doctor: “Next!”
956. Patient: “My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?” Doctor: “A shoebox!”
957. Patient: “Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress; I keep losing my temper with people.” Doctor: “Tell me about your problem.” Patient: “I just did, didn't I? You stupid fool!”
958. Nurse: “Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.” Doctor: “Tell him I can't see him now. Next!”
959. Doctor: “We need to get these people to a hospital!” Nurse: “What is it?” Doctor: “It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!”
960. A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"
961. Doctor: “I have some good news and some bad news, which shall I tell first?” Patient: “Uhhh, well, give me the bad news first.” Doctor: “You only have one week left to live.” Patient: “Oh no! What good news can you possibly tell me now?” Doctor: “Well, you know that really hot-looking nurse who just came in here? I'm taking her out to dinner tonight, and who knows where the night will end!”
962. A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. "Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks. "10..." says the doctor. "10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately. "10...9...8...7..!"
963. As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober!"
964. Doctor: “I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first?” Patient: “Do begin with the bad news, please.” Doctor: “Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.” Patient: “Good grief! What's the good news?” Doctor: “The good news is that there is no more bad news!”
965. The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him!
966. A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you." The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"
967. Patient: “Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.” Doctor: “How do you feel?” Patient: “A little down in the mouth!”
968. Patient: “Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?” Dentist: “Wear a brown tie!”
969. Patient: “How much to have this tooth pulled?” Dentist: “$100.00.” Patient: “$100.00 for just a few minutes work?” Dentist: “Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like!”
970. An elderly retired gentleman had severe hearing problems for some time. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before. One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
971. A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent". The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor" she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent they stink terribly." "Good" the doctor said, “now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing!"
972. A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer. The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"
973. A lady walks into her doctor’s office screaming. She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?" The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?" The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different story!"
974. The doctor walked into the waiting room where a man had been waiting for several minutes. He said, "Hi. What seems to be the problem?" The man replied, "I'm not sure, doc. There's something terribly wrong with my penis! Is turned bright orange!" The doctor looked surprised and said, "Orange?? I've never heard of anything like that, and I've practiced medicine for 30 years! Let's have a look at it." The man dropped his pants and showed the doctor his penis. Sure enough, it was bright orange, and the doctor gasped. "Oh, my God!" he exclaimed. "I've never seen anything like this before! When did you first notice this?" The man said, "About an hour ago." The doctor said, "Can you think of anything you have done that could have caused this? What were you doing right before you noticed this?" The man said, "Well, nothing, really. Just watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos."
975. A man goes to the Doctor and says: "Doc, i have a problem, my penis is too big. It is 20 inches long!" The doctor looks worried and says: "you're right. it's way too big. i'll tell you what you need to do- outside the city in a small forest there is a magical frog. When you find her, ask her if she wants to marry you. Every time she says no, your penis will be 4 inches shorter". So the man goes to the forest and finds the frog. He tells her: "Hi dear frog, would you like to marry me?" The frog answers coldly: "not a chance". Immediately after, the man's penis loses 4 inches. He goes home but after a while he discovers that 16 inches is still way too much. He goes back to the frog and asks: "will you marry me?" The frog answers: "No!" After a whil, unsetisfied also with his 12 inches, the man decided to go to the frog one last time. he asks her: "dear frog, will you marry me?" The frog answers: "how many times do i have to tell you? no! no! no!"
976. A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second incision the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters on the tape was the sentence, "Get well quick... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!"
977. An eldarly couple go to the Doctor. The man complains that when they have sex, the first time is OK but during the second time he sweats like a pig. The Doctor asks the wife if she has any idea why her husbands sweats like that. "That's obvious", she answers. "The first time we have sex is in the winter, the second time is in the summer".
978. A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked. He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right." "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."
979. 2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming, "A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!" The other friend said, "Don’t worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!" So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor. "Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says. "It's ok" the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out." The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friend asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?" the other friend replies, "doctor said you going to die!"
980. Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor in India and said,“Doctor I am on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period.” Doctor : I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board. Man : No, Doctor, I have come to you only. Doctor : But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist. I do not treat human beings. Man : I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only… Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like me which means you are a human being and not an animal. Man : I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first. Doctor : OK. Tell me. Man : I sleep vigilantly like dog thinking about my work load whole night. I get up in the morning like a horse. I go to work running like a deer. I work all the day like a donkey. I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday. I wag my tail in front of all my bosses. I play with my children like a monkey if I get time. I am like a rabbit before my wife. Doctor : Are you a Software engineer? Man : Yes Doctor : Instead of telling this long history you should have told me in the beginning itself that you are a Software engineer. Come man, no one can treat you better than me.
981. Kevin thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the guy that he is still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the guy that dead men don’t bleed. After hours of tedious study, the guy seemed convinced that dead men don’t bleed. “Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?” the doctor asked. “Yes, I do,” the guy replied. “Very well, then,” the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient’s finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, “What does that tell you?” “Oh my goodness!” the guy exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger … “Dead men do bleed!!”
982. Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. “Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!”
983. Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. “Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.” The vet stepped back, “Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?” “Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want anything to make her think she’s welcome.”
984. Osama consults a psychic about the date of his death. Psychic: You will die on an American holiday. Osama: Which one? Psychic: Anyday you die shall be an American holiday.
985. Attending a convention, 3 psychiatrists take a walk. “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we’re all professionals, why don’t we hear each other out right-now?” They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I over bill patients as often as I can.” The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.” The third psychiatrist says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”
986. Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. “I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.” Peter said, “But I could be dead by then!” Receptionist replied, “No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment. “
987. Old man limped into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!” The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, “how old are you?” “98!” he announced proudly. The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again… Finally he said, “Sir, I’m sorry. I mean, just look at you. You’re practically one hundred years old, and you’re complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?” The old man said, “Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it don’t hurt!”
988. Patrick went to the emergency room with the tip of his index finger blown off. “How did this happen?” the doctor asked. “Well I was trying to commit suicide,” Patrick replied. The doctor asked, “Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?” “No, silly! First I put the gun on my head and I thought my face would look horrible, then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just paid $1000 to get my teeth straightened. So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.“
989. Receptionist: 'The doctor is so funny he'll soon have you in stitches.' Patient: 'I hope not - I only came in for a check up.'
990. Man goes to the doctors and sayes 'doctor, I cant stop my hands from shaking !' Doctor replies 'do you drink much ?' Man says 'no, I spill most of it !'
991. A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!" So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. The customer was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor. The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?" "Yes, I want some service," states the drunk. She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table. The drunk goes in and places his manhood on the exam table. When the doctor comes in, the startled podiatrist sees the man's member on the table and she says, "That's not a foot!" The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."
992. A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it, doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fianc??e is still a virgin in every way." The doctor said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he'd ever seen them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "And look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
993. An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!" The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?" "Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" "No," replied the man. "Do you drink in excess?" "No." replied the man. "Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!" "Well," said the doc, “I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life.” Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"
994. A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
995. In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attracting' them?"
996. The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like." Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex... you'll love it!" Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK...maybe I would have such sex with you..." Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him: "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz... Now, I'll just address this... By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"
997. A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing?" he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
998. In a nursing home, one of the old women was running up and down the hall, flipping her nightgown up and down and yelling "Supersex! Supersex!" An old man was sitting in a wheelchair outside his room. The woman ran up to him, pulled her nightie up: "Supersex! Supersex!" He looked at her for a moment contemplating and then said, "I think I'll have the soup."
999. During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor" she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on top of mine."