1.
What is six inches long, two inches wide and drives women wild?
A hundred dollar bill.
2.
A guy was setting up a password for his computer. He tried “My penis” but the computer rejected it, why?
It wasn’t long enough.
3.
Why is Santa always so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
4.
Why is a vagina like the weather?
Because when it’s wet, it’s time to go inside.
5.
What fits between breasts, gets longer when you pull, inserts smoothly in a hole, and works great when
jerked?
A seatbelt.
6.
What is slimy, cold, long and smells like pork?
Kermit the Frog’s finger.
7.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
8.
What is long, hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber.
9.
Why does a dick have a sad life?
His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his next-door
neighbor is a pussy, his best friend is a pussy, and his
owner constantly beats him.
10.
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep on
each arm?
A pimp.
11.
What part of a vegetable is hardest to eat?
The wheelchair.
12.
What do you call two fat people talking?
A heavy discussion.
13.
What is the difference between Michael Phelps and
Hitler?
Michael Phelps can finish a race.
14.
What kind of bees produces milk?
Boo”bees” (boobies).
15.
Why did the husband get mad when his wife shaved
her privates in the shower?
The damn drain’s clogged again!
16.
The biggest prostitute in history would swallow as
many balls as she could until she died for 25 cents.
Who is she?
Ms. Pacman
17.
What did the egg say to the pan to get it hot?
“I’ve got a huge crack.”
18.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play soccer?
The grass tickles their balls.
19.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his
girlfriend?
He wiped his ass.
20.
After asking what his son wanted in a girlfriend, why
did the dad high five and ground his son?
The son answered “my dick”.
21.
What was Santa’s reply when a little boy asked him to
send a little sister?
Santa: send me your mother.
22.
What kind of Popsicle do you give a vampire?
A frozen used tampon.
23.
How is a casino like a woman?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back.
24.
What do a burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend have
in common?
You wish you took it out sooner.
25.
How do you know you’re at a gay picnic?
All the hotdogs taste like crap.
26.
What do you call two jalapenos having sex?
Fucking HOT!
27.
What did the mother say to her smart and beautiful
daughter?
To think I almost swallowed you.
28.
Where do monkeys like to go to get drunk?
To the monkey bars.
29.
How do you deal with pedophiles?
You grow up.
30.
What do bees get when they drink alcohol?
An extra buzz.
31.
Why did a man name his racehorse “My Face”?
He wanted to hear people chant “Come on my face”.
32.
What did the hair dryer say to the fan?
Let’s blow each other.
33.
What do beer drinkers and people with necrophilia
have in common?
They both like to crack open a cold one.
34.
Who are the five kings that make people most happy?
Smo-king, drin-king, lic-king, suc-king and fuc-king.
35.
Why is Santa Clause’s sack so big?
Because he only comes once a year.
36.
What is the difference between your meat and your
chicken?
Your chicken would die if you beat it.
37.
What will it take to make a Beatles reunion?
Two smartly aimed bullets.
38.
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have
in common?
They can smell it, but they can’t eat it.
39.
What do a Rubik’s cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.
40.
How do you spot the blind guy in a nudist
community?
All you have to do is look around, it’s not hard.
41.
What do you call sex in an elevator?
Taking it to the next level.
42.
How do you know when it’s extremely cold outside?
When a gangster pulls his pants up.
43.
What do women and tornadoes have in common?
They moan loudly when they come, and take the house
with them when they leave.
44.
What do you call a female anorexic with a yeast
infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.
45.
What did the butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this shit.
46.
What’s worse than waking up in a party with a penis
drawn on your face?
Finding out that it was traced.
47.
What is the difference between oooooooh and
aaaaaaaah?
About three inches.
48.
What do you call having sex while camping?
It’s fucking intents.
49.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary and toilet seat have
in common?
Men usually miss all three.
50.
How many animals can fit in a panty hose?
Two calves, an ass, a beaver, a lot of hares, a camel toe,
and a fish nobody can find.
51.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping
for breath and calling out your name?
It means you didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
52.
What is the difference between your girlfriend and
KFC?
The breasts, legs and thighs in KFC are delicious.
53.
What did the blind man say when he passed the fish
market?
“Good day, ladies”.
54.
What goes in pink and hard, and goes out soft and
squishy?
A chewing gum.
55.
What did the letter O say to the letter Q?
“Dude, why is your dick hanging out?”
56.
How do you know when it’s time to stop having sex in
doggy style?
When your wife starts chasing after cars.
57.
What is a 6.9?
A good thing screwed up by a period.
58.
What do a blonde and a fridge have in common?
You still enjoy opening them even though you know it’s
empty.
59.
Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Because cowboys like to keep their hats on when they
eat.
60.
How do you know God is not female?
It’s been five billion years and the planets haven’t been
rearranged.
61.
Why do women talk too much?
Because they have two lips.
62.
Why do women in relationships think too much?
Because they have two extra heads on them.
63.
Lady cop: You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say or do will be used against you.
Man: Boobs!
64.
What is the difference between a genealogist and a
gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up your family tree. A gynecologist
looks up your family bush.
65.
What did the coconut say to the palm tree?
“Hold on to your nuts, this is not an ordinary blow job!”
66.
What are the three words you dread most while in the
middle of having sex?
“Honey, I’m home!”
67.
Why is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend can make it hard.
68.
What is a lesbian’s favorite thing to eat?
A Klondike bar.
69.
What do dating a stripper and eating chips in church
have in common?
Everyone would look at you in disgust but deep inside
wish that they have one, too.
70.
What do you call a woman with an opinion?
Wrong!
71.
Have you heard of the new movie called
“Constipation”?
It hasn’t come out yet!
72.
What did the bread say to the toaster to get it hot?
“I want to get inside of you.”
73.
What have men and floor tiles have in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all
over them for the rest of your life.
74.
Why are pubic hairs so curly?
So that they don’t poke your eyes.
75.
What do you get when you cross a blonde with a
lawyer?
I don’t know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.
76.
Why is a man like a Swiss army knife?
He is meant to have a useful and versatile tool, but he
spends most of his time just opening beer.
77.
Why do prostitutes make good bread?
Because they have yeast.
78.
Why did God give men penises?
So that men would have at least one way to shut their
women up.
79.
What is the difference between ice cream and a
masochist?
Ice cream is often licked but never beaten.
80.
How do you know if an Eskimo’s about to go into
labor?
When ice cubes appear on her feet.
81.
What is the difference between a woman and a
pitbull?
One wears a lipstick.
82.
What is the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms aren’t thick a sensitive these days.
83.
How is marriage like a deck of cards?
At the beginning all you need are two hearts and a
diamond, but by the end you would wish that you had a
club and a spade.
84.
Scientists found food that makes women’s sex drive
go down by 90%.
A wedding cake.
85.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
Well, he worked it out with a pencil.
86.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A girlfriend to show him how to work it.
87.
How does a nerd pick up a chubby chick?
Studies show that kissing burns 6.4 calories per minute,
want to workout?
88.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven is a registered six offender.
89.
What did the photon quanta say to the valence
electron?
“You excite me to another level.”
90.
What do virgins and vegetarians have in common?
They both refuse to eat meat.
91.
What is long, hard and full of sea men?
A submarine.
92.
Why do female skydivers wear jockstraps?
So they don’t whistle on their way down.
93.
How is life like a penis?
It’s simple, soft, straight, relaxed and free until a woman
makes it hard.
94.
Why are girlfriends like condoms?
They spend 99% of their time in your wallet, and the
other 1% on your dick.
95.
What did the bartender say when a man walked in
with a gun asking for the guy who screwed his wife?
“You don’t have enough ammo, mate.”
96.
What is full of many little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
97.
Why do vegetarians give such good head?
Because they are used to eating nuts.
98.
What is long, hard and erects stuff?
A walking stick.
99.
What did the husband say when his wife asked him
whether he was embarrassed to be seen with her?
Nothing. He just texted her, “No, of course not, baby”
from right across the street.
100.
Why did the snowman smile dirty?
Because the snow blower is coming.
101.
How do you circumcise a redneck?
You kick his sister in the jaw.
102.
What does a perverted frog say?
“Rubbit.”
103.
How do you turn your girlfriend into an elephant?
Marry her.
104.
What are the lightest things in the world?
Penises because even thoughts are enough to raise them.
105.
What is the cheapest type of meat can you buy?
Deer balls because they are only under a buck.
106.
What is the difference between a male bandleader and
a male gynecologist?
A bandleader fucks his singers while a gynecologist sucks
his fingers.
107.
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she handed it to
him.
108.
What is the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day whole, while anal sex makes
your hole weak.
109.
What is a zebra?
Twenty-six time larger than A bra.
110.
Which one doesn’t belong in the group: a blowjob, a
wife, a meat, an egg?
A blowjob, because you can beat your wife, meat and
eggs, but not a blowjob.
111.
What do you call a gay drive by?
A fruit roll up.
112.
What would you see if a Pillsbury doughboy were to
bend over?
A huge-ass white doughnut.
113.
Who makes more money between a drug dealer and a
streetwalker?
A streetwalker, because she can just wash and resell her
crack.
114.
What do you call a perverted IT teacher who touches
his students?
A PFD file.
115.
Why is sex like a bridge game?
Because you don’t need a partner as long as you have a
good hand.
116.
How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen
pregnant?
The Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.
117.
What’s the difference between a white owl and a black
one?
A white owl would coo “hoot, hoot”, while a black one
would say “who dat, who dat”?
118.
What is more important than having a woman who
cooks and cleans, finding a woman who has money,
and finding a woman who like to have sex?
Making sure that those three women of yours never
meet.
119.
What’s white and fourteen inches long?
Nothing!
120.
What book do women like best?
A checkbook.
121.
What does a near-sighted gynecologist and puppy
have in common?
A wet nose.
122.
What is the difference between a Catholic priest and a
pimple?
A pimple would at least wait until you’re a teenager
before it explodes on your face.
123.
How do you know when you’re girlfriend is getting
fat?
When she can fit in your wife’s clothes.
124.
How can you tell when you’re in a gay church?
When half of the congregation is on their knees.
125.
What’s the difference between a new husband and a
new dog?
After a year, a new dog would still be excited to see you.
126.
How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
They can irritate the crap out of you.
127.
Why is getting a blowjob from your grandmother like
walking on a tightrope?
Because you would not want to look down.
128.
What is the difference between a clever midget and a
venereal disease?
The first is a cunning runt, while the second is a running
cunt.
129.
What did the tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing, because they are both stuck up bitches.
130.
How can you differentiate an oral thermometer from a
rectal thermometer?
By the taste.
131.
How do you get a fat chick into bed?
Easy, a piece of cake.
132.
What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
They older they get, the easier it is to pick them up.
133.
What do you call a woman who loves small dicks?
Hopefully, your girlfriend.
134.
What do you call an Italian prostitute?
A cheap pasta-tute.
135.
How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them up.
136.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s not a big deal until you’re not getting any.
137.
How do you make your girlfriend scream while having
sex?
Call her and tell her that you’re doing it.
138.
What does a 75-year-old woman have between her
breasts that a 25-year-old does not?
Her navel.
139.
What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.
140.
What do you call a nun riding a wheelchair?
The Virgin Mobile.
141.
What do a preserved forest and a nun have in common?
They are both untouched and full of shrubbery.
142.
How can a woman scare her gynecologist?
She can become a ventriloquist.
143.
How can you tell when a mechanic has just had sex?
One of his fingers isn’t covered in grease.
144.
How did Rihanna find out that Chris Brown was
cheating on her?
He found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.
145.
What did the elephant say to the naked guy?
“Hey dude, that’s cute, but can you breathe through it?”
146.
What is better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
147.
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of
retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year.
148.
Where do you get virgin wool?
From an ugly sheep.
149.
Why do Jewish men prefer watching porn backwards?
Because they like watching the prostitute giving the
money back.
150.
What do you call a guy who cries while he beats
himself?
A tearjerker.
151.
Which sex position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
152.
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian
vampire?
“See you again next week!”
153.
What is the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
You can drop them off anywhere.
154.
What car do prostitutes prefer?
An esca-laid.
155.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
You dress her up as an altar boy.
156.
How did the hillbilly find his daughter in the woods?
Pretty damn good.
157.
How is broccoli like a female’s pubic hair?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
158.
What is the difference between a whore and a
mosquito?
When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking.
159.
What is the difference between a car tire and 365
condoms?
The first one is a Goodyear, while the second one is a
fucking good year.
160.
What do you call a Chinese rapist?
Rai Ping Yu.
161.
Why did the slut travelling to London get pissed once
she got there?
Because she found out that Big Ben was just a clock.
162.
Who was the world’s first carpenter?
Eve, because she made Adam’s wood stand.
163.
What’s the difference between your pregnant wife
and a light bulb?
You can unscrew the light bulb.
164.
Define a woman’s menstrual period.
A bloody waste of a fucking time.
165.
Why do perverts like gardening?
Because they can get down and dirty with their hoes.
166.
What is the difference between a snowman and a
snowwoman?
A pair of snowballs.
167.
How is a woman’s privates like a warm toilet seat?
It feels good but you wonder who was there before you.
168.
What does the sign on a closed whorehouse’s door say?
“Beat it – we’re closed”
How can you tell if a crab is an insomniac? - It only sleeps in snatches.
1949 What was John Lennon’s last hit? - The pavement.
1950 Why did Mark Chapman shoot John Lennon? - Yoko ducked.
1951 What fruit has seven dents? - Snow White’s cherry.
1952 What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off? - Spit, swallow and gargle.
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1953 What’s the definition of eternity? - The time between when you cum and she leaves.
1954 What do you do when the dishwasher quits working? - Slap her.
1955 What do you call five dogs with no balls? - The Spice Girls.
1956 Why do Montana stadiums have Astroturf? - To stop the cheerleaders grazing.
1957 What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? - Gagged.
1958 What do Lifesavers do that a man can’t? - Come in eight flavours.
1959 Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70? - Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.
1960 Why did the bee cross his legs? - Because he couldn’t find the BP station.
1961 What goes 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3 . . .? - Bo Derek getting older.
1962 What’s the best thing about line dancing? - One grenade gets them all.
1963 What slides down toilet walls? - George Michael’s latest release.
1964 How do you know a man is a real| y bad dancer? - When he can still step on Dolly Parton’s toes.
1965 ^ bring shrimps home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on ° clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on? - The captain’s dinghy.
1966 How did the Dairy Queen get pregnant? - The Burger King didn’t cover his whopper.
ige? Whcit is thirty feet long, has ten teeth, and smells of piss? - The front row at an Andy Williams concert.
1968 What has balls and screws old ladies? - A bingo machine.
1969 What has hindsight? - A stag during the rutting season.
1970 How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh? - By sticking your finger in his honey.
1971 Who invented break dancing? - A guy trying to steal hubcaps off a moving car.
What looks like Blu-tak, feels like Blu-tak, tastes like Blu-tak, but isn’t Blu-tak? - Smurf
1972 poo.
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1973 What goes ‘Mark!’ - A dog with a harelip.
1974 How did the teenager know he had bad acne? - His dog called him Spot.
1975 What is an innuendo? - An Italian suppository.
1976 What’s ten inches long, two inches thick, and starts with a P? - A really good crap.
1977 If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear? - A hole in it.
10-70 Why was the washing machine laughing? - Because it was taking the piss out of the iy»o ,
underwear.
1979 What do you get if you cross Tina Turner with an orangutan? - An ugly orangutan.
Why does it suck to be an egg? - You only get laid once, you only get eaten once, it
1980 takes fifteen minutes to get hard, three minutes to get soft, and the only chick who will sit on your face is your mother.
1981 Why does Tigger have no friends? - Because he plays with Pooh.
1982 What’s white, sticky, and falls from the sky? - The coming of the Lord.
1983 What’s the noisiest thing in the world? - Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
1984 What is the lightest thing in the world? - A penis: even a thought can raise it.
1985 What’s green and smells like pork? - Kermit’s finger.
1986 Why did the lump of snot cross the road? - Because he was being picked on.
loo-? What’s the difference between sin and shame? - It’s a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull It out.
iQRft What’s round, hard, and sticks so far out of his pyjamas that a man can stick his hat on it? -His head.
1989 What’s red and white and sits in trees? - A sanitary owl.
1990 What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? - A pickpocket u snatches watches.
1991 What’s a hospice? - About three gallons.
1992 Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box? - Because she kept sitting on
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Pinocchio’s face, moaning, ‘Lie to me!’
1993 Why did Humpty Dumpty push Mrs Dumpty off the wall? - To see her crack.
1994 Who has blonde hair, surgically enhanced 32E breasts, and is the richest woman in Switzerland? - Osama bin Laden.
What is the definition of a real friend? One who goes into town and gets two blow jobs, then comes back and gives one to you.
Q: What time of year do most people go crazy?
A: Christmas they all get Santa-mental.
Q: How do Spanish-speaking sheep say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!
Q: How would you fire Santa?
A: Give him the sack...
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missile toe!
Q: If Santa rode a motorcycle, what kind would it be?
A: A Holly Davidson.
Q: What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman?
A: Have an ice day!
Q: What did one angel say to the other angel?
A: Halo there!
Q: What did one Christmas tree say to the other Christmas tree?
A: I really go fir you!
Q: What did Santa say when his toys misbehaved?
A: Toys will be toys.
Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!
Q: What did the grape say to the raisin?
A: 'Tis the season to be jelly.
Q: What do aliens say when they land at the North Pole?
A: Take me to your heater.
Q: What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
A: Cross mouse cards.
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: What do penguins ride?
A: Ice-Cycles.
Q: What do the reindeer sing to Santa on his birthday?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy claws.
Q: What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
A: Lost.
Q: What do you call a snowman on roller blades?
A: Snowmobile.
Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.
Q: What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
A: Santa Clues.
Q: What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
A: The letter "D".
Q: What goes Ho-Thud, Ho-Thud, Ho-Thud?
A: Santa Claus with a skipping rope.
Q: What is a computer's favourite Christmas carol?
A: Array in a Manger.
Q: What is a skunk's favourite holiday song?
A: Jingle Smells.
Q: What’s black and white and found in the Sahara Desert ?
A: A lost penguin.
Q: What’s black, white and green and black and white?
A: Two penguins fighting over a pickle.
Q: What’s the medical name for Fear of Santa.
A: What is claustrophobia
Q: What is Santa's favourite breakfast cereal?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What is Frosty's favourite breakfast cereal?
A: Snow Flakes.
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: Do I have to eat the Brussel sprouts?
Q: Where do you go to get holly for Christmas?
A: The Holly-land.
Q: Where is the best place to put your Christmas tree?
A: After Christmas one and two.
Q: Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
A: Santa Jaws.
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said,"No L!"
Q: Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling crummy.
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: Because he likes to ho-ho-ho.
Q: Why does Scrooge like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: Why is it so cold on Christmas?
A: Because it's in Decembrrrrrrrrrr!
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A: He's all right now.
Q. Have you seen Quasimodo?
A. He went to lunch but I have a hunch he's back!
Q. How can you tell that a vampire likes cricket?
A. He turns into a bat every night.
Q: How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
A: All the jam has been sucked out of the doughnuts.
Q: How does a girl vampire flirt?
A: She bats her eyes.
Q: What do ghosts put on top of an ice cream sundae?
A: Whipped scream.
Q: What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A: I Scream.
Q: What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
A: Fish and ships.
Q: What do witches put on their hair?
A: Scare spray.
Q: What do you call a monster with no neck?
A: The Lost Neck Monster.
Q: What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A: A sand witch.
Q: What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon.
A: A sour-puss.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo.
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is mist.
Q: What happens when a ghost haunts a theatre?
A: The actors get stage fright.
Q: What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
A: Decomposing.
Q: What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
A: Mas-scare-a.
Q: What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A: Boo boos.
Q: What kind of music do ghosts listen to?
A: Sheet music.
Q: What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?
A: A boo-tie.
Q: What was the witches' favourite subject in school?
A: Spelling.
Q: What's a ghost's favourite desert?
A: Boo-berry pie.
Q: What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It's a pain in the neck.
Q: Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A: Day scare centres.
Q: Where do most werewolves live?
A: In Howllywood , California .
Q: Where does a ghost go on vacation?
A: Mali-boo.
Q: Where does Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.
Q: Which building does Dracula visit in New York ?
A: The Vampire State Building .
Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?
A: His ghoul friend.
Q: Who was the most famous French skeleton?
A: Napoleon bone-apart.
Q: Who was the most famous ghost detective?
A: Sherlock Moans.
Q: Who was the most famous skeleton detective?
A: Sherlock Bones.
Q: Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
A: Because of his coffin.
Q: Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
A: He didn't have a haunting license.
Q: Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A: For the boos.
Q: Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
A: To see if she was his type.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He had no guts.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A: He had no body to dance with.
Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Q: Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A: They're good at keeping things under wraps.
Q: Why doesn't anybody like Dracula?
A: He has a bat temper.
Q: Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A: They're afraid of flying off the handle!
Q: Why were screams coming from the kitchen?
A: The cook was beating the eggs.
Q: How can you get four suits for a pound?
A: Buy a deck of cards.
Q: How do you make a hot dog stand?
A: Steal its chair.
Q: How do you make an egg laugh?
A: Tell it a yolk.
Q: What bird can lift the most?
A: A crane.
Q: What bone will a dog never eat?
A: A trombone.
Q: What can you hold without ever touching it?
A: A conversation.
Q: What clothes does a house wear?
A: A dress.
Q: What country makes you shiver?
A: Chile .
Q: What did the elevator say to his friend?
A: I think I'm coming down with something!
Q: What did one magnet say to the other?
A: I find you very attractive.
Q: What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
A: It's time to go to sweep.
Q: What did the necktie say to the hat?
A: You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
Q: What did the rug say to the floor?
A: Don't move, I've got you covered.
Q: What do bees do with their honey?
A: They cell it.
Q: What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A: A cartoon.
Q: What do you call the best butter on the farm?
A: A goat.
Q: What do you do when a chair breaks at a conference?
A: Speak to the chairman.
Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A: A bricklayer!
Q: What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
A: Bugs Bunny.
Q: What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
A: Wet feet.
Q: What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A: A rash of good luck.
Q: What happens when frogs park illegally?
A: They get toad.
Q: What has a lot of keys but can’t open any doors?
A: A piano.
Q: What kind of cat likes to go bowling?
A: Alley cats.
Q: What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A: A dead centipede.
Q: What's green and loud?
A: A frog horn.
Q: Where do fortunetellers dance?
A: At the crystal ball.
Q: Why did the doughnut shop close?
A: The owner got tired of the whole business!
Q: Why was Cinderella thrown off the cricket team?
A: She ran away from the ball.
Q: Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
A: She couldn't control her pupils.
Q. Why did the Blonde have huge cubic tits?
A. She forgot to take the tissue out of the box!
Q. What have a bottle beer and a Blonde got in common?
A. They are both empty from the neck up.
Q. Why do Blonde’s keep empty beer bottles in the fridge?
A. They’re for people who don't drink!
Q. Why was the Blonde proud of finishing a jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
A. The box said "2 to 4 years!"
Q. Why can't a Blondes water ski?
A. When they get wet between their legs, they end up on their back.
Q. What is the definition of an eternity?
A. Four Blondes drivers at a four way stop.
Q: Why did the blonde listen to the radio in the morning?
A: The radio was AM only
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
Q: Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes?
A: They take off their makeup.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the blonde get ready for Y2K?
A: She changed all her Y's to K's.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
Q: How do you know if a blonde is Scottish?
A: She has a chequebook.
Q: How do you make blondes laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday-Night!
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill a fish?
A: By drowning it.
Q: How does a blonde spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O
Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!
Q: How does the blonde turn on the light after having sex?
A: She opens the car door.
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Blondes screw in back seats, not in light bulbs, silly.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette fall off a 100 ft cliff, which hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask directions.
Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third grade.
Q: What can save a dying blonde?
A: Hair transplants.
Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: It's OK, I'm not hurt.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see one.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call a blonde clutching at thin air?
A: Someone who is collecting her thoughts.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a black leather jacket?
A: A rebel without a clue!
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A space invader.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell ... she's holding the grenade.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don't know, there are some things a blonde won't do.
Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.
Q: What does Star Treks Dr. McCoy say before doing brain surgery on a blonde?
A: Space. The final frontier
Q: What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
A: She needed them for the darkroom she was building.
Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde keep putting quarters in the soda vending machine?
A: Because she thought she was winning.
Q: Why did the blonde take 16 friends to the movies?
A: Because the sign said “Under 17 not admitted!”
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: They can spell BMW.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: They are easier to keep amused.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
Q: How does a Blonde change a light bulb?
A: She holds the bulb in the socket and waits for the world to go around.
Q: Why didn’t the Blondes go to Disneyland ?
A: A sign it said " Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
And what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.
Where does the one-legged waitress work?
IHOP
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.
What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
The hot dog vendor then gives him the dog and the buddhist gives him a $20.
Buddhist – Hey, where’s my change?
Vendor – Change must come from within.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chickens wasn't invented yet.
Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
How do you now when its raining cats and dogs?
When you step in a poodle.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick
A duck walked into a drugstore and asked for a tube of ChapStick.
The cashier said, "That'll be $1.49" and the duck said "Put it on my bill".
I read a book on helium once. I couldn't put it down!
A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says "Nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die."
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
A politician is one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
The very first doctor of dermatology had to start from scratch.
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
A wedding.
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir," came the reply, "it's fresh ground."
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.
Both are dragging their right foot as the walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other, knowingly points at his foot and says,
"Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him says,
"Dog poop, 20 feet back."
One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he met a policeman. The policeman said, "What is your name?" "Shut up!" The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?" "Yes!" The policeman fumed, "Where are your manners?" "In the toilet."
When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous Realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing. The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people." I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"
A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age. Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. "You kids don't know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn't afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light."
Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What is the definition of an engineer?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses butt?
Mechanic.
Why did the furniture salesman take six backless chairs to the doctor's office?
Because the doctor wanted to get a stool sample.
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any
help?" she asked."No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need.""Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.
What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.