SICK JOKES PT 1

What’s the best thing to do when you see your wife staggering around on your front lawn?

Shoot her again.

What’s the best thing to do when you see your wife staggering around on your front

lawn?

Shoot her again.

* * *

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?

Because they don’t have any balls to scratch.

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders a Tanqueray Sapphire martini. He slams it down,

looks in his shirt pocket and orders another. He repeats this five times, then asks for the tab.

The bartender totals it up and says, “Why do you examine the contents of your pocket after

each drink?”

“I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts looking good I go home and fuck

her.”

* * *

Did you hear about the new morning after birth control pill for men?

It alters their blood type.

* * *

An old man walks into a bar and the barkeep says, “What’s new?”

The old guy says, “I think my wife died.”

“You think?”

“Yeah. The sex is the same but the dishes are piling up.”

* * *

Why are there 7.2 million abused women in the United States of America?

Because they never shut the fuck up.

* * *

What’s the main difference between a blonde cheerleader and a bowling ball?

You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

* * *

“Please deliver the moped,” said Ron to the salesman, “with a note that says, Happy

Birthday from your Husband.”

“A little surprise for the wife?” asked the clerk.

“Hell yes, she’s expecting a Mercedes.”

* * *

Why don’t they let women swim in the ocean?

They can’t get the smell out of the fish.

* * *

A blonde visited the psychiatrist and confessed, “I’m a nymphomaniac. All I ever think

about and do is sucking and fucking.”

“I specialize in disorders like that. I can help you but I charge $200 an hour.”

“Okay,” she said. “How much for all night?”

* * *

“You really believe I’ll be a star?” asked the blonde who had just removed her bra and

panties at the director’s request.

“Absolutely,” he said, “in fact you’ve already started to make it big.”

* * *

What is the ultimate embarrassment for a stewardess?

When her Benwa balls set off the metal detector at the airport.

* * *

What’s the best way for a woman to avoid rape?

Beat off the attacker.

* * *

What do you call a woman with half a brain?

Gifted.

* * *

What has a bald head, is six inches long, and drives women wild?

A hundred dollar bill.

* * *

Why’d God put a woman’s asshole and cunt so close together?

So when they’re drunk you can carry them home like a sixpack.

* * *

What’s better than a cold Bud?

A nice warm Busch.

* * *

Where does a female pilot sit?

In a cunt pit.

* * *

How do you know when a woman’s wearing pantyhose?

When she farts, her ankles swell up.

* * *

Why is a bottle of Guinness better than a woman?

The Guinness doesn’t get mad when you grab another beer.

* * *

What is sex?

It is the most wholesome, natural, gratifying, and wonderful things that money can buy.

* * *

“That was the most boring frat party I’ve ever been to,” said the blonde coed to her

roommate.

“Then why’d you stay for eight hours?”

“I couldn’t find my clothes.”

* * *

What did Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?

“I’ll be home in an hour.”

* * *

A guy comes home to find his girlfriend packing her bags: “Honey? What the heck are

you doing?”

“I’m leaving because you’re a pedophile.”

“Pedophile?” He scratches his balls, “That’s a mighty impressive word for a seven year

old.”

* * *

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men care.

* * *

Why do Jewish husbands die young?

They want to.

* * *

Why are men smarter when they’re making love?

They are plugged into a fucking know-it-all.

* * *

What do a fat chick and a moped have in common?

They’re both fun to ride, but you never want your friends to see you on one.

* * *

A bride-to-be knows exactly what type of music she wants played at her wedding. She

auditions 20 pianists before this musician plays an original composition that is precisely what

she was looking for. “That was perfect,” she says, “what do you call it?”

He says, “Drive Me to Capistrano Baby, Because That’s Where You’re Gonna Swallow.”

“Yuck. What a nasty title; but it is a beautiful song, play me another.” He does and this

one is even better. “That’s magnificent. What do you call it?”

“Bend Over and Touch Your Ankles Baby—I’m a Backdoor Man.”

“You’re hired,” she says, “but for God’s sake don’t tell anyone the names of your songs.”

The wedding day comes and the guests at the reception are more than impressed with the

music. But the pianist has been drinking an ocean of champagne. He has to go to the

bathroom and is so drunk he botches the job. He cleans up as best he can and returns to the

piano. Halfway there he’s stopped by the bride who says, “Do you know there’s shit on your

shoes and your zipper’s down?”

“Know it?” he says. “Bitch, I wrote it.”

* * *

What do you call a couple using the rhythm, will power, or withdrawal methods of birth

control?

Parents.

* * *

A woman told her friend, “I just made my husband a millionaire.”

“What was he before?”

“A billionaire.”

* * *

Why do people get married?

So they have someone to blame.

* * *

What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress?

About 45 pounds.

* * *

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

About 45 minutes.

* * *

Samantha discontinued sex to answer the phone. When she returned to bed her partner

asked, “Who was that?”

“My husband.”

“What does he want?”

“He just wanted to tell me he’ll be home late because he went bowling with you.”

* * *

A man propositions a hooker. He offers $10. She insists on $50. That’s too steep for him

so he decides to go home to his wife. They fuck and then walk down to the local bar for a

drink. They pass the hooker who says, “See what a lousy $10 gets you?”

* * *

A husband said, “I’ve devised a new sexual position that will save our marriage.”

The wife said, “What is it?”

“Back-to-back.”

“It’s impossible to have sex back-to-back.”

“Sure we can. I’ve persuaded the new neighbors to join us.”

* * *

At a divorce recovery workshop a man stands up and says, “My ex-wife is a decent,

honest person and a great mother to our children. But I’m into kinky sex—I mean the kinkier

the better—and she was a straight lay. It put our marriage under so much strain it fell apart.”

A lady stands up and says, “Same with me. And, I live around the corner.”

So they leave and go to her place. They do some kissy-face and get naked on the couch

and she says, “I’m ready.”

“Me too.”

She runs to her bedroom and assembles all her gear: leather bra and thong, whip and

handcuffs, nipple clips and a battery powered dildo that could propel a bass boat. She returns

to the living room and sees him dressed and leaving. “Hey! Where are you going? I thought

you liked it kinky?”

He says, “Lady, I just fucked your cat and shit in your purse, what the hell do you want?”

* * *

The boyfriend entered the room cautiously, “Sir, I feel nervous asking you this but may

I—”

“Have my daughter’s hand in marriage? Certainly.”

“No,” he said, “I need to borrow $2500.”

“Get the fuck out, I hardly know you.”

* * *

What’s better than honor?

Inner.

* * *

Why’d the female contortionist never get married?

All the guys thought she’d break it off.

* * *

Why do women have periods?

Because they deserve them.

* * *

After making love the bride slapped her husband’s face. “What was that for?” he asked.

“For being a lousy fucking lover.”

He slapped her back. “What was that for?” she asked.

“For knowing the difference.”

* * *

A shapely blonde boarded a bus. There were no available seats so she asked a business

man, “I’m pregnant, may I please have your seat?”

“Certainly.” He stood and said, “If you don’t mind my saying, you look marvelous for

being pregnant. How far along are you?”

“About 45 minutes.”

* * *

The newlyweds entered the hotel. Overwhelmed by the sheer splendor of the place the

bride said, “This place is magnificent; I really don’t know what I could possibly wear

tonight.”

The groom said, “You’re putting me on.”

* * *

What’s the definition of confidence?

Your wife finds you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say,

“You’re next bitch.”

* * *

How can you tell when a man’s had an orgasm?

From the snoring.

* * *

Why do brides smile as they walk down the aisle?

Because they know they’ve sucked their last cock.

* * *

A man and a woman at a Christmas party go upstairs for a quickie in the darkened coat

room. He puts it to her, shoots his wad in thirty seconds, and says, “God you’re tight. If I’d

known you were a virgin, I would’ve taken my time.”

“If I’d known you had time,” she says, “I’d have taken off my pantyhose.”

* * *

After a long, passionate night of sucking and fucking the guy rolled over and noticed a

framed picture of another man on the nightstand. He began to worry. “Is this your husband?”

“No silly.”

“Your boyfriend?”

“No. Not at all.”

“Who is he?”

“That’s me before the surgery.”

* * *

“Honey,” said the man, “I love you. You’re always there when I call, you always want to

go out, you’re beautiful and you’re the best and most adventurous fuck I’ve ever had.”

“Thanks.”

“But every time we go out it costs me $500. What’s up with that?”

“I’m a hooker.”

* * *

A drunk walks into a bar and there’s a lady at the other end of the bar, waving her right

arm above her head trying to get the bartender’s attention. She has incredibly hairy armpits.

The drunk says, “I wanna buy that ballerina a drink.”

“How do you know,” asks the bartender, “that she’s a ballerina?”

“Who else could get her right leg up that high?”

* * *

A man walks into a bar, orders a double Dewars and says, “I’ve got problems.”

“What’s that?” asks the barkeep.

“My wife hasn’t been feeling well so she went to the doctor. He ran some tests and the

best he can come up with is that her condition is either Aids or Alzheimer’s.”

“Here’s what you do,” says the barkeep. “Drive her out to the beach for a picnic. Halfway

through lunch say you have to go to the bathroom. Get in your car and drive home. If she

finds her way back home, don’t fuck her.”

* * *

Jane confides to her best friend after four Bloody Marys: “Bob was in such an odd mood

last night. We planned to meet at a bar across town for a cocktail. I spent the afternoon

shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was later than I

promised, but he didn’t say anything about it. I really don’t remember doing anything to make

him upset.

“We finished our drinks and ordered another round, but he was still acting a bit funny. I

was getting worried; what was bothering him? Why was he mad at me? Is it me or something

else? I asked him if he was upset with me, but he said no. In the car on the way back home, I

said that I loved him and he put his arm around me. I didn’t know what the hell that meant

because, you know, he didn’t say it back to me. We finally got home and I was wondering, for

the first time in our marriage, if there were someone else. So I tried to get him to talk but he

just turned on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he

joined me and to my surprise, we made passionate love. But still, he seemed distracted. I

wanted to confront him, but didn’t. So I cried myself to sleep. I don’t know what to do

anymore. I really think he’s seeing someone else.” Jane pays, tips and leaves.

Bob confides to his best friend after five beers: “I missed a fucking ten point buck

yesterday. He was standing in a clearing and I had three shots. Jesus Christ, I shoot like a

drunk fucking monkey! I felt pissed all day. Man, that really got me down. I fucking blew the

chance of a fucking lifetime. But what the hell, at least I got laid.”

* * *

A man with two more or more wives is called a bigamist, but what do you call a man

with two or more ugly wives?

A pigamist.

* * *

A struggling young couple decides that in order to save money he has to, following sex,

drop some money in the piggy bank. After a month they bust it open and it contains $1200

dollars. “I don’t,” he says, “remember putting in any $50s or $100s.”

“Honey, not everyone is as cheap as you are.”

* * *

A man fixing a flat in a blizzard returns to the car to warm his hands. His wife has hiked

up her skirt and removed her panties and suggests he warm his hands by placing them

between her thighs. He does and it works nicely. Then back out into the blizzard and he

returns again to warm his hands; then out again into the blizzard. “Done with the tire,” he

says.

“But,” his wife says, “I bet your ears are freezing.”

* * *

A woman walks into a bar and orders a margarita. She takes the drink to a corner booth.

A man leans over and says to the bartender, “That bitch made a fortune from a story that she

made up.”

“Really,” says the bartender, “who’d she sell it to?”

“The entire jury.”

* * *

A man walks into a bar, orders a bourbon and says to the bartender, “Ever had anal sex

with your wife?”

“Of course,” says the bartender. “In fact, we do it almost every night.”

“So she really digs it?”

“No, she hates it.”

“She just does it because you enjoy it?”

“I hate it too.”

“You hate it? Why do you do it almost every night?”

“Well,” says the bartender, “the kids get such a kick out of watching.”

* * *

This chick walks into a male biker bar. She strides up to the leader and says, “I want to

join your gang.”

“Can you ride?”

“I got my hog outside.”

“Can you drink?”

She knocks back five shots of tequila.

“Okay,” the leader says, “have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

“No,” she says, “but I been swung around by the tits a couple of times.”

* * *

What’s the best way to remember your wife’s birthday?

Forget it once.

* * *

Why is marriage like a three-ring circus?

Engagement ring.

Wedding ring.

Suffering.

* * *

Why hadn’t the man spoken to his wife for three years?

He didn’t want to interrupt her.

* * *

What’s the worst thing about bigamy?

You get two mothers-in-law.

* * *

A man and woman who’ve never met find themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

The woman, top bunk, says, “Could I trouble you to get me another blanket? I’m freezing.”

“I have a better idea,” says the man. “Let’s pretend we’re married.”

After a pause she says, “Okay.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I’d like that.”

“Then go get your own fucking blanket.”

* * *

The intervention counselor asked the husband, “Why on God’s earth did you throw

apples at your wife during your fight last night?”

He replied, “Because coconuts are out of season.”

* * *

What three words does a man hate to hear while he’s fucking?

“Darling, I’m home.”

* * *

Why are skull-splitting hangovers better than women?

Hangovers go away.

* * *

What’s the difference between a woman and a jar of peanut butter?

It doesn’t take three martinis and a $110 dinner to open a fucking jar of peanut butter.

* * *

Why do guys who have been married 20 years love to eat their wife’s pussy?

Because it doesn’t talk back.

* * *

A plane crashes and the survivors, five guys and one girl are marooned on a Pacific

island. After a week, the girl is so ashamed of her sexual depravity that she kills herself.

A week goes by, and the guys are so ashamed of their sexual activities that they bury her.

Another week passes and the guys are now so ashamed that they dig her back up.

* * *

Einstein climbs in bed with his wife. She’s tired and drifts off to sleep, while he stays up

reading a book. Periodically, he reaches over and inserts his index finger into her cunt. After

about an hour of this she wakes up and says, “Stop teasing me!”

“I’m not teasing. I’m wetting my finger so I can turn the page.”

* * *

Dave’s pride and joy was his vintage BMW motorcycle that he had inherited from his

grandfather. His grandfather admonished him to keep the bike spotless at all times and when

it started raining to smear Vaseline on the gas tank and fenders so they wouldn’t weather.

Wherever he went he toted a big tube of Vaseline with him just in case it started raining. His

new girlfriend Petunia finally invited Dave to her house for dinner and to meet the family.

They hopped on the BMW and drove to Petunia’s parents’ house. As he parked the bike, she

said, “My family is kind of weird. Anyone who talks at the dinner table has to do the dishes.”

“No sweat,” said Dave. But when they got to the house he saw a huge pile of dishes in

the sink. Apparently, nobody had spoken at the dinner table for about a year. So the dinner

progressed in absolute silence. Dave figured, “What the hell. I’m horny and they’re strange.”

So he grabbed Petunia, ripped her clothes off and fucked her right there on the kitchen floor.

Nobody said a word.

Petunia’s mother was a tight looking MILF. So Dave, silently, pulled her pants down,

bent her over the sink and did her doggy style. Not a word was spoken as Dave pounded away

on the mother. Then he noticed it had started raining. He pulled out his still erect cock and

rummaged in his jacket pocket for the tube of Vaseline so he could weatherproof the fenders

and gas tank on his beloved BMW.

“Alright alright,” said Petunia’s dad. “I’ll do the fucking dishes.”

* * *

What should you do if your wife tells you she faked her orgasm?

Pretend you didn’t hear her.

* * *

What’s the best part about a blow job?

10 minutes of peace and quiet.

* * *

A hunter stumbled upon a beautiful woman sunbathing naked in a clearing. He walked up

to her smiled and said, “Are you game?”

“For a stud like you, certainly.”

So he shot her.

* * *

Two suburban couples decided to engage in some conjugal mate swapping. The trade was

arranged and after two-and-a-half hours of orgasmic bliss one of the wives said, “I wonder

how the boys are doing?”

* * *

“Get this,” says the husband to his wife, “the building superintendent just told me he’s

fucked every women in the building except one.”

“Hmmm,” says the wife, “must be that Goldfarb bitch up on the seventh floor.”

* * *

On their morning walk Marge says to Maude, “My husband beats me up every morning.”

“That’s terrible.”

“I know. I’m going to have to start setting the alarm.”

* * *

Name three things that men love that began with the letter “m”?

Mother, money, and mmmm…pussy.

* * *

Why are fat chicks so proficient at sucking cocks?

They’ll put anything in their mouths.

* * *

Bob opens the Sunday paper and screams to his wife, “Pack your clothes I just won the

lottery!”

“Winter or summer clothes? Where are we going?”

“All your clothes. Your sorry ass is outta here.”

* * *

A young woman is at the grocery check out. The cashier rings up seven TV dinners, some

Oreos, three apples and a six-pack of Old Milwaukee. The cashier says to the young lady,

“You’re single aren’t you?”

“Oh, because of the TV dinners?”

“No. Because you are fucking ugly.”

* * *

What do blondes call underwear?

Ankle warmers.

* * *

“Mother?” asked the new bride, “how can I make my new husband happy?”

“Love,” said the mother, “can be a beautiful bond between two people who respect each

other’s needs...”

I know how to fuck, mom,” said the girl. “I want you to teach me how to make meatloaf.”

* * *

How can you tell the blonde on the nude beach?

She’s the one with a tampon string hanging out of her ass.

* * *

What do you call a blonde working at the post office?

Overqualified.

* * *

Why did the blonde get kicked off of the beach?

A life guard caught her going down for the third time.

* * *

A man arrested for a DUI is thrown into a cell with a hardened criminal who says to the

newcomer, “Good. Fresh meat.”

The rookie prisoner says, “Is everything I’ve heard about prison true?”

“Yeah. But since it’s your first time I’ll let you choose if you want to be the husband or

the wife.”

“Well, if I have to do it, I’ll be the husband.”

“Good choice. Now get over here and suck your wife’s dick.”

* * *

A woman says, after having sex for the first time with her new boyfriend, “You are a

bum fuck.”

He says, “How would you know after only 22 seconds?”

* * *

A family left St. Louis for the gold fields of California in a wagon pulled by two oxen.

The man drove the oxen relentlessly. “Let them rest,” said his wife.

He waved away the suggestion and continued.

When the left ox faltered the man hopped down from the wagon, approached the faltering

ox and said, “That’s one.”

They continued until the left ox faltered again. The man hopped down from the wagon

and said to the weary ox, “That’s two.”

“Let them rest,” said his wife.

He waved away the suggestion and continued.

The left ox finally collapsed and the man hopped down and said, “That’s three.” Then he

shot the ox in the head.

“What did you do that for?” said his wife.

The man said to her, “That’s one.”

* * *

What happens to women who wear the pants in the family?

They usually discover that another woman is wearing the fur.

* * *

American Airlines ran a promotion where wives fly for half-off when they accompany

their husbands on business trips. The airlines followed up the promotion by sending a

questionnaire to the wives asking how they enjoyed their trip. The most common response

was, “What trip?”

* * *

After the birth of his fourth daughter, John didn’t seem right. His wife asked, “What’s

wrong?”

“I just wanted a son. I wanted an offspring with a penis.”

“Don’t worry, John. I’m certain she’ll have all the penises she wants in about sixteen

years.”

* * *

What is the definition of Making Love?

What a chick does when a guy’s fucking her.

* * *

Why is it so hard for a blonde to catch a husband?

It isn’t. It’s hard for a blonde to catch a single guy.

* * *

A blonde wanted to see what all the hubbub was about with pornographic movies, so she

went to the video store and rented a video tape with the most provocative title imaginable. She

popped it into the machine and there was no picture, just snow and interference. She called

the clerk at the video store to complain. He said, “I’m sorry, what’s the name of the movie?”

She popped the tape out of the VCR and read the title: “Head cleaner.”

* * *

Why do blondes only get a half hour for lunch?

It costs too much to retrain them.

* * *

CHAPTER 2

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the

month I can be myself.

—Roseanne Barr

How come Roseanne never goes to the beach?

Because Greenpeace volunteers keep pushing her back into the ocean.

* * *

“Here’s a hundred bucks,” says the man to the hooker. “I want you to give me the

sloppiest, least enthusiastic blow job ever.”

“For a hundred,” she says, “I could give you the best cock slurp you’ve ever had.”

“But,” he says, “I’m not horny. I’m homesick.”

* * *

“When will you ever get married Suzanne?”

“When the right man comes along. Stop bugging me, mom.”

“But you’re 30, you’ve never been engaged, you’ve never had a steady boyfriend. When

are you going to get married Suzanne?”

One day, Suzanne comes home with rice in her hair. Her mother is overjoyed, “You got

married! Congratulations Susan.”

“I’m not married. I was sucking this Korean’s dick and he threw up in my hair.”

* * *

Why do women have two sets of lips?

So they can piss and moan at the same time.

* * *

How can you tell when your girlfriend is paranoid about STDs?

She puts a condom on her vibrator.

* * *

What’s a blonde’s favorite cocktail?

Perrier and water.

* * *

What do you call a woman with genital herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, and AIDS?

An incurable romantic.

* * *

What’s the difference between a woman and a rooster?

A rooster says, “Cock-a-doodle-do” and a woman says, “Any cock’ll do.”

* * *

Did you hear about the blonde who said her pussy on fire on the Fourth of July?

She lit the string to her tampon.

* * *

A mother and her daughter are walking through central Park. The girl says, “Mother,

when will I be old enough to start douching?”

“Why don’t you ask the four seagulls and two pigeons following you?”

* * *

“I need to buy my girlfriend some gloves,” said the young man to the sales lady, “but I

don’t know what size she wears.”

The sales lady smiled and extended her hand for the man to grasp. “Bigger? Smaller? Or

just right?”

“Just right. Thanks.”

She tossed him a pair of size four gloves. “Anything else?”

“Yeah, I think she needs some bras.”

* * *

A salesman flies to Vegas for a convention. He’s approached by a hooker who says, “I’m

selling.” They strike a bargain and do the big nasty. When he returns home he discovers he’s

contracted gonorrhea. He’s on medication for the rest of the year. But the convention rolls

around and he flies back to Vegas. Same street corner, same hooker who says again, “I’m

selling.”

He says, “What are you selling this year, cancer?”

* * *

After being fired the maid retorts, “Your husband considers me a better cook and

housekeeper than you, Madame. And I know I’m better in bed.”

“I suppose he told you that as well?”

“No. Your son did.”

* * *

What’s the most effective birth control device for a female?

An aspirin…held firmly between the knees.

* * *

What’s the second most effective birth control device for a female?

No make up.

* * *

What’s the most effective birth control device for a male?

A pebble in his shoe. It makes him limp.

* * *

What’s the second most effective birth control device for a male?

A pay cut.

* * *

After a hard fought tennis match at the club the guys had a steam and a massage. They

were dressing when Bob started pulling on a pair of panty hose. “When,” said Bill, “did you

start wearing those?”

“Right after my wife found them in my glove compartment.”

* * *

“What are the grounds for divorce?” asked the judge.

“Cruel and unusual punishment,” said Mrs. Smith. “Every night he ties me up and makes

me sing God Bless America, while he pisses all over my face.”

That is sick,” said the judge.

“I know,” said Mrs. Smith. “He knows how much I hate that song.”

* * *

“I had the strangest dream last night,” said Doris to her husband Bob on Christmas

morning. “I dreamed we had a beautiful Christmas tree in our bedroom and on top, instead of

a star there was a perfect penis.”

“Was it mine?” asked Bob.

Doris laughed sarcastically, “I said the perfect penis.”

Bob said, “Ironically. I had a similar dream. I dreamed we had a beautiful Christmas tree

in our bedroom and on top was the perfectly shaped pussy.”

“Was it mine?”

“No,” said Bob. “Yours was holding up the tree.”

* * *

“What do you take for a sore throat?” one blonde asked a brunette.

“I just suck on a Life Saver.”

“That’s easy for you; you live at the beach.”

* * *

A coed reminiscing about her childhood asked her blonde roommate, “Did you play with

jacks when you were little?”

“Yes. And Paul’s, and Chuck’s, and Bobby’s.”

* * *

Ron’s twin brother Don was visiting town when a terrible snowstorm hit, knocking out

all the power. Ron’s wife suggests that they all sleep together for warmth. So they all huddle

together in the king size bed. When Ron falls asleep his wife says, “Don? I’ve always wanted

to fuck you.”

“But Ron’s right here.”

“He sleeps like a rock. Watch.” She reaches over and plucks a hair from his ass.

And they fuck.

“That was fantastic,” says the wife, “do it again?”

“We’ll wake Ron.”

“Watch.” She reaches over and plucks another hair from his ass.

And they fuck.

“I’ve got to have you one more time.”

“We’ll wake Ron.”

“Watch.” She reaches over and plucks another hair from his ass.

Ron sits up and says, “I really don’t mind the fact that you’re fucking my brother, but

would you please stop using my ass for a scoreboard?”

* * *

A coed is modeling her new bathing suit for her mother. “Do you like it?” she asks.

“If I wore that suit at your age, you’d be four years older.”

* * *

A man visited the drugstore and asked for the most powerful love stimulant on the

market. The druggist gave him three tablets and warned him that his dick would be harder

than a telephone pole. “That’s okay he said, “I have three hookers coming over tonight.”

The next day the man returned and said, “What do you have to soothe raw flesh?”

“Your cock?”

“No, my hand. The bitches didn’t show.”

* * *

A Texas millionaire marries a young jet setter from Britain. They move to England and

he starts going to the opera, learning about which fork to use with which course, etc. After

every new adventure they relax with a couple of martinis and she lovingly critiques whatever

lapse in the social graces he may have, that day, committed. After his first fox hunt he says,

“Well, Baby, how’d I do today?”

“Splendidly. Except when you see a fox, you must say Tallyho, a fox and not There goes

the dirty little motherfucker.”

* * *

The cab driver said, “Monsieur, we are now passing the most famous whorehouse in

Paris.”

The American in the back seat said, “Why?”

* * *

“Accused,” said the judge, “of assault on your husband.”

“But he called me a two-bit whore.”

“But you put him in intensive care, what did you hit him with?”

“A sack of quarters.”

* * *

What’s the definition of a wife?

An expensive attachment you screw on a bed to get the housework done.

* * *

When do you know it’s time to stop fucking your wife doggy style?

When she starts chasing cars.

* * *

What a man’s idea helping with the housework?

Lifting his feet his feet so the bitch can vacuum.

* * *

What type of food diminishes a woman’s sexual drive by 75%?

Wedding cake.

* * *

What’s the best way to clean out a condom?

Hold it firmly between two fingers and shake the fuck out of it.

* * *

How can you tell when your wife has been masturbating with carrots and cucumbers?

When the salad comes, so does she.

* * *

“Let’s go out tonight and have some fun,” said the wife to her husband.

“Great idea,” he said, “if you get home before I do, leave the porch light on.”

* * *

How did Mr. Johnson realize he had a fantastic sperm count?

Because Mrs. Johnson had to chew before she swallowed.

* * *

How are a pussy and a Florida orange similar?

The good ones squirt when you eat them.

* * *

When did the man who had been married 15 years realize that he’d been masturbating too

much?

He fucked his wife and it felt like he was cheating on himself.

* * *

Why was there a picture of his ex-wife on the divorced guy’s TV?

To remind him where his DVD player went.

* * *

How are wives and blenders similar?

Everybody says you need one, but you are not really quite sure why.

* * *

How do you know when you’ll probably get a get laid on the first date?

When you ask the girl to dance and she climbs up on the table.

* * *

How are a wife and a dirty diaper similar?

Because both are all over your ass and full of shit.

* * *

What do you call the lump of flesh at the end of the penis?

A man.

* * *

What do you call the excess flesh on the outside of the vaginal labia?

A woman.

* * *

A guy goes down on a hooker and comes up with a mouthful of French fries and a half

chewed Big Mac. “Jesus, lady are you sick or something?”

“No, but I think the guy before you might have been.”

* * *

What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

* * *

How are a condom and a wife similar?

They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your cock.

* * *

A Boy Scout gets picked up by a hooker. She takes him upstairs, drops her skirt removes

her panties and flops back on the bed spreading her legs. “What’s that?” asks the Boy Scout.

“It’s my downstairs mouth.”

“What do you mean your downstairs mouth?”

“It’s got lips, it’s got a mustache. It’s my downstairs mouth.”

“Does it have a tongue in it?”

“Not yet sonny boy. Not yet.”

* * *

Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they are fucking worth it

* * *

Pinocchio’s girlfriend says to him, “This sucks. Every time we make love I get splinters

in my pussy.”

Pinocchio voices the complaint to Gephetto who says, “Sandpaper my boy, sandpaper.

All you need sandpaper.” A week later he asks Pinocchio, “How are the girl problems,

Pinocchio?”

“Girls? Who needs those fucking cunts? Sandpaper, Gephetto, sandpaper!”

* * *

A man returns home early from a business trip and finds his wife in bed naked. There is a

cigar smoldering in the ashtray. “Where the hell did that cigar come from?”

A muffled voice in the closet says, “Cuba.”

* * *

While eating at a diner’s counter a trucker let out a resounding fart. The man sitting next

to him said, “You pig. How dare you fart like that in front of my wife?”

“Sorry,” said the trucker. “I didn’t realize it was her turn.”

* * *

How did the stockbroker’s wife tell her husband that she’d been cheating on him?

“I’ve gone public.”

* * *

A man was sentenced to six years in jail for vehicular manslaughter. During the sentence

his wife remained faithful. On the day of his release she was hot horny and ready to do it. She

couldn’t wait until they arrived back home so she pulled into the first motel she passed. They

entered the room and immediately ripped off each other’s clothes. “How do you want to do it

baby?” she asked.

“I want two things.”

“Anything.”

“I want you on all fours and I’m going to fuck you up the ass.”

“What’s the second thing?”

“Can I call you Phil?”

* * *

What’s the difference between love and insanity?

Insanity lasts forever.

* * *

Why is sex with a condom like bungee jumping?

If the rubber breaks, you’re fucked.

* * *

What’s one definition of a perfect marriage?

Your wife and your housekeeper come a couple times a week.

* * *

What’s another name for a condom?

Around-the-cock protection.

* * *

A couple steps up to the desk clerk, “My wife and I would like a room.”

“I’m sorry. But the only available room’s bathroom is being remodeled. There’s no

running water.”

“Sweetheart,” he says, “is that okay with you?”

She shrugs and says, “Whatever you say mister.”

* * *

A couple is walking through the park when they see a couple kissing on a park bench.

“Why,” says the wife, “can’t you be more like that?”

“I don’t even know her.”

* * *

A man insisted on getting married even though both he and his fiancée were unemployed.

He said, “We’ll live on love alone.” So they get hitched and neither can find a job. One day

after another long, fruitless job hunt he returns to the boarding house where they live and he

hears wild clapping and screaming in the dining room. He enters to see his wife, naked,

running up the stairs, straddling the banister and sliding down bareass. This act delights the

male boarders. She runs up the stairs again and he screams from the bottom, “What the hell do

you think you’re doing?”

“Remember you said we were going to live on love alone?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m heating up your fucking dinner.”

* * *

Laura Bush is not satisfied with George’s last few sexual performances and she mentions

something to him. So George asks Colin Powell for some tips. Colin tells him to start off with

oral sex, first swirling your tongue to the left, then the right, and repeat that three times before

you stick your dick in.

That night Laura goes to bed first and George sneaks in under the covers. Three swirls to

the left; three to the right; but before George can get it in Laura says, “Is that you, Colin?”

* * *

At his 30 year class reunion a man bumps into his high school sweetheart and says, “How

you doing?”

“I’ve just had a hysterectomy.”

“That’s too bad.”

“But the doctor did find your class ring.”

* * *

A man stuck his hand out the window to check if it’s raining and catches a glass eyeball.

He looks up and sees a beautiful girl hanging out a window, “Is this yours?” he yells.

“Yes. Apartment 37 d.”

“I’ll bring it up.”

He arrives at 37 d. She opens the door stark naked. She pops her eye in, drops to her

knees and starts sucking his dick. “Wow,” he says, “do you treat all guys this way?”

“No,” she mumbles, “just the ones that catch my eye.”

* * *

An avid, extremely rich, fisherman marries an older, dowdy, overweight woman. They

honeymoon at a posh resort in Tahiti, voted one of the most romantic getaways in the world.

As soon as they land, at dusk, he arranges for a night fishing expedition. She dines, alone and

content, with a book. She sleeps in, but he’s up at dawn; hiking into the mountains for some

fly fishing. She takes a taxi into town at noon; while he sleeps, she shops. He awakes at 4:00

pm, has breakfast for dinner and goes night fishing again. This goes on, like clockwork, for

their entire two week stay. Checking out, the concierge asks the wealthy fisherman, “How

was your stay?”

“Fucking brilliant. Thanks.” And he slips him $500.

“If I may be personal?”

“Certainly.”

The concierge says, “This is the most romantic place on earth. In two weeks you and your

wife haven’t shared a meal or a bed. You are young, rich, handsome. She belongs in a trailer

park. I am mystified why you are together.”

He nods twice, and says: “You know how much I like fishing?”

“Oh yes.”

He made the come-closer-finger-gesture and whispered, “She’s got worms.”

* * *

A nervous young man the night before his wedding said to his father, “I’m a virgin; I

really don’t know what to do.”

“It’s easy just take that thing you used to play with as a child and put it were your wife

pees.”

So he got his old GI Joe doll and threw it in the toilet.

* * *

A mother advised her soon-to-be-wed daughter, “Always wear an item of clothing to bed,

darling. It’ll keep the mystery alive.”

Two weeks into their marriage, following another glorious bout of lovemaking, her

husband said, “Is there any history of mental disease in your family?”

“No. Why?”

“Because you keep wearing those fucking earmuffs to bed.”

* * *

A woman responded to a personal ad that used the phrase World’s Greatest Lover several

times. She responded and the next day was all a-flutter as the doorbell rang. She stripped

down to bra and panties and answered the door. At the door was a young man in a motorized

wheelchair much like Stephen Hawking’s. He said, “I see you’re ready for the world’s

greatest lover.”

“But you’re paralyzed, how…”

“Lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell?”

* * *

Harry walked, smiling, into the drug store to buy some condoms. The pharmacist asked,

“Why the good mood?”

“I’ve been dating this chick for 3 months and she’s surrendering the pussy tonight. The

only drawback is that I have to meet the parents for dinner first. But, goddam, she’s going to

get all of it.”

“Ah, to be young and horny. Knock her dead,” he said.

“I will.”

That evening Harry rang the doorbell. As soon as his girlfriend, followed by her parents,

answered the door Harry jumped into the bushes and hid his face. She said to Harry, “Why

didn’t you tell me you were so shy?”

“Why didn’t you tell me your dad worked at the fucking pharmacy?”

* * *

Preoccupied with business, Mr. Fife had not made love to his wife for over six months. In

order to pique his interest his wife went out and purchased a pair of crotchless panties. When

he came home from work that night she lay naked, except for the crotchless panties, on the

couch in the front room. He entered the room and she said, “You want some of this pussy?”

“Hell no. Look what it did to your underwear. “

* * *

A man wakes up in the middle of the night with a raging boner, he says to his wife, “Get

over here and suck this.”

“Let me go to the bathroom first.”

“Okay.”

On the way to the bathroom she trips over the throw rug and falls. The husband says, “Is

my little baby all right? You didn’t hurt yourself did you? Did you? Oh, my baby will be

okay.” She shits, returns to bed and performs incredible oral sex on her husband. She gets out

of bed, again to go to the bathroom and trips again, falling to her knees. Her husband says,

“You clumsy fucking cunt.”

* * *

“Will you ride with my mother,” said Barbara to her husband from her deathbed, “on the

way to my funeral?”

“Of course I will,” said Brad. “But it’s gonna fuck up my entire day.”

* * *

“We’re going to have fun tonight,” said Karl to Mary, “I got three tickets to the concert.”

“Why three?” asked Mary.

“They are for your parents and your little brother.”

* * *

A man and his wife are married for a year. One day she’s cleaning and discovers a box

with 3 empty beer bottles and $445. She asks, “How odd, Bill. Money and beer bottles?

Why?”

“Everytime I think about having sex with another woman I put a bottle in the box.”

“Only three times in a year. I’m flattered; but what about the money?”

“When the box is filled with empties I cash them in.”

* * *

A man came home from work to find his beautiful wife naked, on her knees in the foyer.

She gave him a wonderful blow job, and as he moaned and came down her throat he said,

“What’d you back the car into this time?”

* * *

The husband climbed into bed and started fondling his wife. She pushed him away

saying, “I have a headache.”

“That’s why,” he says, “I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with aspirin.”

* * *

What’s the difference between a wife and abject poverty?

Abject poverty sucks.

* * *

Why were the midget and the fat lady so deliriously happy together?

She let him try out a new wrinkle every night.

* * *

“Dave’s a really nice guy,” said Barbara to her best friend Marie. “But how could you

stand been married to a quadriplegic? I mean, don’t you miss the sex?”

“Actually, I don’t. You see, Dave has an eight inch tongue.”

“Holy Shit!”

“Not only that,” said Marie, “he’s learned to breathe through his ears.”

* * *

The drunk husband didn’t make it home until 6:00 am. “You’d better,” said his wife,

“have a good goddam reason for coming home at this hour.”

“I do,” he said as he sat down at the kitchen table. “Breakfast.”

* * *

Returning from WWII the GI tried to impress his eternally bitchy wife with the French he

had learned. He entered the house and said, “Je t’adore!”

She said, “Shut the door yourself, you lazy asshole.”

* * *

At the bachelor party the groom’s father stood and toasted: “To my oldest son on the

happiest day of his life.”

“But,” said the groom, “I’m not getting married until tomorrow.”

Dad said, “I repeat: To my son on the happiest day of his life.”

* * *

“I want,” says the wife, “a boob job.”

“Too expensive,” says the husband, “just rub them old titties with toilet paper.”

“What good will that do?”

“Look what it’s done to your ass.”

* * *

One California surfer dude said to another, “I’m trying to get my girlfriend’s mother out

of my life.”

“Tell her to move out.”

“I would, but she owns the house.”

* * *

“You have testified,” said the judge “that you were run over at midnight, in a blinding

snowstorm and yet you’re absolutely certain it was your mother-in-law driving the car?”

“That’s correct, your Honor.”

“These are serious charges. How can you be so sure?”

“I recognized her cackle.”

* * *

“This is just a formality,” said the young man, “but I’ve come to ask for your daughter’s

hand in marriage.”

“Who the hell,” said the father, “told you this was just a formality?”

“Your daughter’s obstetrician.”

* * *

“What am I going to do?” said the grieving widower, “What am I going to do? What am I

going to do?”

His best friend said, “You’ll find someone else, don’t take it so hard.”

“I know that. But what am I going to do tonight.”

* * *

Why do honeymoons only last a week?

Because seven days make a hole weak.

* * *

Harry has to work a double shift as a department store Santa. He’s so busy that he can’t

get to a phone so he asks his boss to stop by and tell his wife he won’t be home until 9:00 pm.

The boss stops by after work and says to Harry’s wife, “I know you’re having money

problems.”

“Yeah. Terrible problems. We might lose the house. That’s why Harry took the job as

Santa.”

“Tell you what. I’ll give you $350 if you suck my dick.”

“Harry can never find out.”

“I’ll never tell a soul.”

He drops the cash on the counter. She kneels, pulls out the trouser trout and starts

bobbing and slurping.

Harry arrives home later and says, “Did my boss stop by to tell you I’d be late?”

“Yes.”

“Good. And did he drop off my $350 Christmas bonus?”

* * *

“I have a unique problem while traveling,” says Brad.

“How may I help you?” replies the travel agent.

“I vacationed in Italy and my wife got pregnant. I vacationed in Argentina and my wife

got pregnant. I vacationed in New Zealand and my wife got pregnant. I don’t know what to

do.”

“Maybe you should purchase some condoms?”

“Either that, or I’ll just take her with me this time.”

* * *

Two Irishman, Sean and Mike, had grown up together. And of course, when Mike

decided to get married it was a foregone conclusion that Sean would be his best man.

Following the wedding the booze flowed like water and everyone imbibed freely. Mike

walked into the bathroom, and there he saw his new wife and Sean sucking and fucking like

little bunny rabbits. But instead of anger or disbelieve, Mike started laughing. His new bride

said, “I know what I’m doing is wrong, but I at least imagined you’d be angry instead of

tickled pink.”

“What you’re doing is all right,” said Mike. “It’s just quite amusing to me that Sean is so

drunk he thinks he’s me.”

* * *

Why is a bachelor skinny and a married man fat?

A bachelor comes home, looks in the fridge and goes to bed. The married man comes

home, takes one look at what’s in bed and goes to the refrigerator.

* * *

CHAPTER 3

A woman is an animal, and an animal of not the highest order.

—Edmund Burke

What do you call a female peacock?

A peacunt.

* * *

“Have you fucked your new girlfriend yet?” said one Tyrannosaurus Rex to the other.

“No. We went away for the weekend. I got her drunk and had her in the mood; but then,

wouldn’t you know it, she gets her century.”

* * *

An old lady lived alone with her dog. She was cleaning the attic and rubbed a dusty lamp.

Out pops a genie who grants her three wishes: “One,” she said, “I never want to worry about

money again. Two, I want to be young and beautiful. Three, I want you to change my best

friend, my dog, into a handsome prince.”

Poof! Money appears. Poof! She’s beautiful again. Poof! Her dog becomes a prince. They

kiss and the dog says, “What a fucking pity you had my balls cut off.”

* * *

What did Bambi say when she ran out of the woods?

“I’ll never do that for five bucks again.”

* * *

Why do elephants have four feet?

Because two feet just won’t satisfy a female elephant.

* * *

An executive arrives at work and his secretary says, “Today’s your mom’s birthday. Did

you forget again?”

“Yes, I did. Thank you for the reminder.”

He enters his office and phones the pet store. “My mom’s been recently widowed and I’d

like to get her a companion pet.”

“You’re in luck, we have a parrot here that speaks English, French, and Italian.

Wonderful companion.”

“Great, have him delivered with a card that reads From Your Loving Son.”

“I gotta tell you buddy, this bird costs $10,000.”

“Nothing is too costly for my mother.”

“Done.”

So the executive waits until late afternoon to call his mom. “Happy Birthday Mom. Did

you get the bird?”

“Yes. Thank you,” she says. “It was delicious.”

* * *

The Smiths threw a wild New Year’s Eve party that turned into a drunken orgy. They

were having brunch on New Year’s Day when Mr. Smith asks, “I hate to ask you this, but did

I buttfuck you on the kitchen floor last night?”

“Darling, you’ll have to be more specific. About what time?”

* * *

Dirty Johnny and his father are in the drugstore and they walk by a display of condoms.

“Why do they come in different sized boxes?” asks Dirty Johnny as he holds up a two-pack.

“That’s for when you’re in high school. One for Friday night one for Saturday night.”

Johnny holds up a six-pack, “How about this one?”

“That’s for when you’re in college; two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, two for

Sunday afternoon.”

Johnny holds up a 12 pack, “How about this one?”

“That’s for when you’re married. One for January, one for February, one for March...”

* * *

Dirty Johnny is sitting on Santa Claus’ lap. “What you want for Christmas, little boy?”

“I want a GI Joe and a Barbie.”

“But Barbie doesn’t come with GI Joe. She comes with Ken.”

“You got it wrong fat man. Barbie comes with GI Joe; she fucking fakes it with Ken.”

* * *

Dirty Johnny’s class had a substitute teacher who said, “My name is Miss Prussy. It’s

easy to remember because it’s just like pussy but with an r.”

Johnny raised his hand and said, “May I please be excused to go to the bathroom Miss

Crunt?”

* * *

Dirty Johnny asked his father, “What’s a penis?”

Dad unzipped his pants and whipped it out. “Johnny, this is a penis. In fact this is a

perfect penis.”

“Thanks dad,” said Johnny. He ran across the street to Suzie’s, whipped it out and said,

“This is a penis.”

“Really?”

“Yes, and if it was three inches shorter it would be just as perfect as my dad’s.”

* * *

When he was seven years old, Dirty Johnny was charged with the rape of a 32 year old

woman. His defense attorney said, “In summation, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you can’t

believe that such a small, undeveloped boy is sexually mature enough to perpetrate a rape.

Johnny, would you please?”

Johnny whipped out his dick. The lawyer walked over, grabbed Johnny’s dick and shook

it at the jury. “How could this little member be capable of a full erection, let alone a rape?”

“One more shake,” said Johnny, “and you lose the case.”

* * *

The teacher asked the class, “What are the three advantages of breast milk?” Dirty

Johnny raised his hand and said, “Breast milk helps to develop the child’s immune system. It

contains the proper nutrients. And it comes in these beautiful fucking containers.”

* * *

The teacher asked her class, if they could use the word contagious in a sentence. Suzie

raised her hand and said, “Mumps are contagious.”

Dirty Johnny raised his hand and said, “My next-door neighbor’s wife was painting the

fence and my dad said. It’s gonna take that cunt ages to paint that fence.”

* * *

Dirty Johnny gets up in the middle of the night and sneaks down the hall. He peeks into

his parents’ room while they are having sex and says, “And she yells at me for sucking my

thumb.”

* * *

Dirty Johnny asked his grandfather, “Grandpa, what’s the secret to a long happy

marriage?”

“Your grandma and I go out for a romantic dinner every Friday night. That keeps us

happy.”

“Where do you go?”

“I like Chinese. I don’t care where the fuck she goes.”

* * *

“What part,” asks the teacher, “of the human anatomy gets 12 times bigger when

stimulated?”

Sally raises her hand and says, “The penis?”

“You’re going to be disappointed Sally,” says Dirty Johnny. “The iris gets 12 bigger

when stimulated. The cock only triples.”

* * *

“I’m thinking,” says the teacher, “of a fruit that’s yellow.”

“Banana,” says Johnny.

“No,” says the teacher, “a lemon. But it shows that you’re thinking. Now I’m thinking of

a green vegetable.”

“How about a zucchini,” says Johnny.

“No,” says the teacher, “a pea. But it shows that you’re thinking.”

“Alright,” says Dirty Johnny, “I got something in my pants that’s long and hard and has a

pink tip.”

The teacher says, “Your penis?”

“No, my fucking pencil, but it shows that you’re thinking.”

* * *

Dirty Johnny was collecting for his paper route when the widow Mullins answered the

door in her bra and panties. She said, “I don’t have your $7.50 this month Johnny; but I’ll let

you fuck me.”

“Sure.” Johnny pulls down his pants to reveal a cock so big it hung to his knee caps.

“Oh my,” said the widow Mullins. “This is going to be good.”

Johnny fished in his jacket pocket and pulled out several rubber washers, which he

slipped over the head of his dick. “Oh,” said the widow Mullins. “I can take it all. I really

can!”

“Not for $7.50 you can’t.”

* * *

The sexual education teacher drew a penis on the blackboard and asked the class, “does

anybody know what this is?”

Dirty Johnny stands up and says, “It’s a cock. My dad has two of them.”

“Your father has two penises?” asked the teacher.

“Yeah. The little one he pisses out of and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter’s

teeth.”

* * *

Dirty Johnny pulled down his pants and said to the neighbor girl, “This is a cock and you

don’t have one.”

She lifted up her skirt and said, “Yeah, but I can get all the cocks I want with one of

these.”

* * *

Dirty Johnny and his grandfather fell asleep on the couch watching TV. Grandpa woke

Johnny: “Quick, go get your grandma.”

“Grandpa,” said Johnny, “that’s my cock you’re holding.”

* * *

The teacher asked Dirty Johnny during the geography lesson, “Johnny, what’s wrong?

You are unusually quiet.”

“I didn’t have no breakfast.”

“Lunch is in 15 minutes. Now, Johnny, back to geography. Where is the Mexican

border?”

“In bed fucking my mother, that’s why I didn’t get no breakfast.”

* * *

“Hey mom,” asked Dirty Johnny, “can you knock someone up if you buttfuck them?”

“Sure,” says his mom, “where do you think lawyers come from?”

* * *

“Today class,” says the teacher, “we’re having sex education. How many sexual positions

do you think there are?”

Dirty Johnny yells, “Eighteen that I’ve seen my sister do.”

“Eighteen? That’s inventive, but we’ll start,” says the teacher, “with the most basic. It’s

called ‘Missionary’ and it’s the man on top of the woman.”

“Shit,” says Johnny. “Make that 19.”

* * *

Dirty Johnny’s dad comes home and Dirty Johnny and his grandmother are having sex on

the couch. “Johnny,” yells dad, “what the hell are you doing?”

“Hey,” said Johnny, “you fuck my mom what’s it to you if I fuck yours?”

* * *

“Johnny,” said the teacher, “what’s the difference between realistically and

theoretically?”

“Take my home life. I asked my mom and sister if they’d have sex with any man for a

$1,000,000. They both said yes. So theoretically I’m living with two millionaires; but

realistically I’m living with a couple of high priced whores.”

* * *

Suzie said to Dirty Johnny, “I know how babies are made.”

“Big fucking deal,” said Johnny, “I know how they’re not made.”

* * *

After a particularly crude and obscene joke Dirty Johnny’s teacher asks, “Don’t you

know any jokes that aren’t filthy?”

“Only one,” says Johnny.

“Oh, please tell me?”

“Okay, a clean joke. I took a bath with bubbles.”

“That’s clean, but it’s not funny.”

Johnny says, “Bubbles is my fucking babysitter.”

* * *

Suzie runs up to her mom, “Can I have a baby?”

“Of course not.”

Suzie runs down the hall, “You were right Johnny, same game! Same game!”

* * *

Dirty Johnny has the next door neighbor girl on the couch. Johnny is feeling her up and

kissing her. Then he says, “God, I’d love to get into your pants.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. I just came in mine.”

* * *

The teacher asks the class, “There are eight birds on a fence. Farmer Bill shoots three.

How many are left?”

Everyone except Dirty Johnny says, “Five.”

Johnny says, “None. Even if he didn’t kill any they’d all fly away when they heard the

gun.”

“Mathematically,” said the teacher, “you’re wrong, but I like the way you think.”

“I got one for you, teach. Three women are sitting on a park bench eating lollipops. One

is licking it, one’s biting it, and one’s sucking it. Which one’s married?”

“The one sucking it?”

“No. The one with the ring on her finger, but I like the way you think.”

* * *

Suzie and the girls asked Dirty Johnny if he wanted to play house with them. “Sure,” he

said, “which one of you is gonna be the madam?”

* * *

“Mommy,” asked Dirty Johnny, “what’s an Oedipus complex?”

“Just shut up and keep licking my pussy you little bastard.”

* * *

“Mommy,” asked Dirty Johnny, “why can’t I play with the other children?”

“Just shut up and deal.”

* * *

A math teacher asked Dirty Johnny, “If I gave you $200 and you gave $50 each to Suzie,

Sally, and Mary what would you have?”

Dirty Johnny replied: “An orgy.”

* * *

Dirty Johnny’s mom, tired of his preoccupation with breasts, takes him to a psychiatrist

who guarantees results after one session. On the way to the doctor’s office Johnny kept

pointing and saying, “Check out those titties! What a fucking rack! I’d love to bury my face in

those!”

Following an intensive three hour session they pass the high school on the way home.

Perky pubescent girls are everywhere, but not a peep out of Johnny about breasts. They stop

at the store and Johnny isn’t ogling the cover of Cosmopolitan. They pull up in front of their

house. The mailman is walking by and drops a letter. He bends over to pick it up and Johnny

says, “Check out the righteous ass on that mailman.”

* * *

The teacher said, “I want you to think of a three syllable word and then use it in a

sentence. Leroy stood and said, “Beautiful. It is a beautiful day outside.”

Sam stood and said, “Wonderful. Disneyland is wonderful.”

Dirty Johnny said, “Urinate. Teacher you’re-an-eight. But if your tits were bigger you’d

be a ten.”

* * *

Dirty Johnny and his friend Melvin are reading magazines. Johnny’s grandma enters the

room and says, “What nice little boys, reading quietly. Melvin, what are going to be when you

grow up?”

Melvin held up his copy of Sky and Telescope: “I’m going to be an astronaut.”

“Commendable. Johnny what are you going to be when you grow up?”

Johnny held up his copy of Playboy: “I’m just gonna be grown up.”

* * *

Dirty Johnny and Melvin were arguing:

“My dad’s better than your dad,” said Melvin.

“No he’s not.”

“My brother’s better than your brother.”

“No he’s not.”

“My sister’s better than your sister.”

Johnny hesitated, then said, “You got me there, Melvin.”

* * *

Dirty Johnny had a big time crush on the young substitute teacher. He followed her

around all week, stayed in at recess and helped her clean the blackboards after school. One

day she said, “Johnny, I can tell by the way you look at me that you have a schoolboy crush

on me. But I don’t want a child.”

“Fine,” Johnny said, “I’ll wear a rubber.”

* * *

Dirty Johnny is walking home with Wendy. She says, “Johnny, you’re the first boy I’ve

ever loved.”

“Dammit,” says Johnny, “another fucking rookie.”

* * *

Dirty Johnny says, “Hey mom, how do lions fuck?”

“I really don’t know,” says mom. “All your father’s friends are either Elk or Moose.”

* * *

“You need to eat a high fiber diet,” the doctor told the heart patient, “quit smoking, and

get some exercise.”

“What about sex?”

“Just with your wife. We don’t want you getting too excited.”

* * *

A man arrives at the emergency room; the doctor approaches him and says, “Your wife’s

been in a terrible car accident, she’s a paraplegic and brain-dead. You’ll have to spend the rest

of your life caring for her.”

“But doc, I’m only 25 years old. She might live another 60 years; I can’t spend the rest of

my life taking care of an invalid.”

“You won’t have to,” says the doctor. “I was just fucking with you. She’s dead.”

* * *

Two lawyers hire a stunning new secretary and a contest begins between them to bed her.

They both end up sleeping with her the day of the Christmas party and meet afterwards for

drinks and bragging rights. “So what do you think about her cocksucking?” asks the first

partner.

“My wife is better.”

“You’re right.”

* * *

A couple visit a sex therapist who asks the wife, “What do you think is the biggest

problem with your sex life?”

“My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”

“Is this true?” the therapist asks the husband.

“I don’t actually suffer,” he replies. “She does.”

* * *

When a lawyer asked the woman why she was divorcing her husband. She said,

“Hobosexuality.”

“Don’t you mean homosexuality?”

“No, hobosexuality. He’s a bum fuck.”

* * *

“Is this Thomas Knopf?” asked the voice on the phone.

“Yes it is. May I help you?”

“Yes. My wife got this crazy notion she could make a living as a prostitute and she

started turning tricks.”

“This is Thomas Knopf with one f. I’m a financial planner. You want Dr. Thomas Knopff

with two F’s. He’s a psychiatrist and right below me in the phone book.”

“No, it’s you that I want. I need you to help me invest all the money my wife’s making.”

* * *

A man has his wisdom teeth pulled and his wife visits right after the operation. She walks

into the hospital room and he says, “Honey, yer beautiful.” She kisses him gently on the cheek

and leaves. An hour later, she reenters and he says, “Honey, you look like shit today.”

“Whatever happened to: Honey, yer beautiful?”

“I guess the drugs are wearing off.”

* * *

A woman visits the gynecologist and says, “My piss is coming out in four streams.”

He props her up in the stirrups and goes down for a peek. He starts laughing

uncontrollably. She says, “This isn’t funny. This is a serious gynecological condition.”

“Serious? I don’t think so. Just give me a minute or two to fish that button out.”

* * *

The young lady rushed into the living room and said to her father, “Chuck asked me to

marry him.”

“Congratulations.”

“But I told them I just couldn’t leave you and mom.”

“I’ll be fine,” he said. “You can take your mother with you.”

* * *

The waiter asked the couple on their first date what they wanted to eat. The lady said,

“I’ll start with the oysters, then French onion soup, a Caesar salad, rack of lamb, a lobster tail,

and start preparing an order of chocolate crepes for dessert.”

“Jesus,” said the man, “do you eat like this at home?”

“No,” she said. “But no one at home is going to lick my pussy and fuck me for an hour.”

* * *

“Sir, I respectfully ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage.”

“What do you do for a living, boy?”

“I manage a steakhouse.”

“My daughter has grown up with the best of everything. She has a very demanding sense

of fashion and style, and I’ve always had a problem keeping her in clothes.”

“I know what you mean, I got that problem myself.”

* * *

“Honey, we’ve been married a year and you have yet to suck my dick.”

“That’s because you wouldn’t respect me if I did.”

“Yes I would.”

“No. You wouldn’t.”

“Yes I would.”

Convinced, she pulls his pants down then kneels and gargles on his cock. He comes on

her tonsils and the phone rings. He answers it and says to his wife, “It’s for you, cocksucker.”

* * *

“Grounds for divorce?” asked the Judge.

“She won’t do it doggie-style, your honor,” said Brad.

“That’s a relatively minor objection, Mrs. Morrison,” said the Judge. “Every couple must

compromise a little in the bedroom.”

“When he says doggie-style, your Honor. He means on the front lawn.”

* * *

A husband comes home from the bar and the wife says, “You’ve come home fucking

half-loaded again?”

He says, “That’s just because I run out of fucking money again.”

* * *

“Honey,” said the wife, “do you remember those marlin you went fishing for down in

Florida last summer?”

“Yeah?”

“One of them just called. She’s pregnant.”

* * *

A man walks into his bedroom to see his wife sucking another man’s cock. “Who the

fuck is this?” he screams.

She spits out the guy’s dick and says to her husband, “Now that’s a fair question.” Then

to her lover, “What is your name?”

* * *

“You came home from work, found your wife sucking a strange man’s dick. Then you

pulled out a pistol and shot your wife. Is that correct?”

“Yes Judge, it is.”

“Just out of curiosity, why did you shoot your wife, and not her lover?”

“I figured getting the bitch out of the way would be easier than shooting a man every

other day.”

* * *

A man who just moved to Seattle walks into the local bar and orders a triple scotch.

“Troubles?” asks the bartender.

“I think my wife is having an affair with a younger man.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because we just moved to Seattle from Dallas and we have the same paperboy.”

* * *

How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?

You buy a used car for your teenaged son and find her panties in the back seat.

* * *

A man brought his golfing buddy home to get something to eat. He walks in and his wife

is fucking the UPS guy on the living room couch. The man and his friend walk to the kitchen

and the husband calmly starts making two sandwiches. “What about the UPS guy?” asks the

friend.

“Fuck him; he can make his own sandwich.”

* * *

What’s the difference between a job and a wife?

After five years the job still sucks.

* * *

A wife says to her husband, “If you don’t buy me a new wardrobe I’ll start running

around the neighborhood naked. What will the neighbors think then?”

“They’ll think I married you for your brains.”

* * *

The husband strolls in to discover his wife sucking his best friend’s dick. “No point,”

says the friend, “fighting over this. I’ll play you a game of cribbage for her.”

“Okay,” says the hubby, “but let’s play a dime-a-hole to keep it interesting.”

* * *

Right in the middle of fucking his wife the husband stopped and said, “Are you all

right?”

“Yes, why?”

“You moved.”

* * *

A woman returns home from a business trip; and her husband and six year old son greet

her at the door, “Mommy, mommy the neighbor lady came over last night. Daddy took off all

her clothes and they lay down on the couch.”

She asks her husband, “Is this true?”

Her husband was speechless, but their six year old says, “Then they did exactly what you

and Uncle Ronald do when daddy is out of town!”

* * *

A women packs her bags and says, “Fuck you Fred, I’m leaving.”

“That’s cute,” he says, “how are you going to support yourself?”

“Hookers in Atlantic City charge $250 for a blowjob. I’ll get by”

“Wait,” the husband runs upstairs and returns with a suitcase. “I’m going with you. I

want to see how you can possibly live on $750 a year.”

* * *

“Honey,” she says to her fiancée, “will you still love me when we’re married?”

“Probably. I’ve always been quite fond of married women.”

* * *

The morning following their first night together the newlyweds went out for breakfast.

“I’ll have,” said the groom, “a three-egg Florentine omelet, with rye toast and sausage. And

bring some lettuce for my wife.”

“Why,” asked the puzzled bride, “did you order lettuce for me?”

“I want to see if you also eat like a rabbit.”

* * *

“What’s the matter?” said the young wife to her husband.

“I have a huge problem.”

“We’re married. Your problems are my problems. There is no I in this marriage only a

we. Now, what’s wrong?”

“We’ve just conceived a child with my secretary.”

* * *

“How should I let you know when I want to make love?” signed the deaf bride to her

husband on their first night together.

“Just pull on my penis once,” he signed back.

“How should I let you know when I don’t want to make love?”

“Just pull on my penis 257 times.”

* * *

Joe was glued to the television set, following every game of the NBA playoffs. His wife

Nancy walked into the living room and flicked off the television set, “I’m sick of sports. You

haven’t touched me in months. You hardly speak to me. All you do is watch fucking sports.

We need to talk about sex.”

“Okay. We’ll talk about sex.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. How often do you think Shaquille O’Neal gets laid?”

* * *

What’s Niagara Falls?

A bride’s 2nd biggest disappointment.

* * *

How do you know if you’re a real loser?

When you call a 900 number and the girl says, “Not tonight asshole, I’ve got a

headache.”

* * *

What you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 25 feet of garden hose?

Sweetie pie.

* * *

Why is divorce central to the American economy?

If it weren’t for divorce, where would coffee shops get all their bitchy waitresses?

* * *

His last day on the job, the retiring mailman was delighted to see Mrs. Simpkins answer

the door naked. She pulled his pants down and gave him a blowjob on the porch; then she

took him inside and they screwed on the floor. Then she served him soup, salad, and a

sandwich. As he was leaving she handed him $20. “Why,” he asked, “are you paying me?”

“You can thank my husband.”

“Your husband?”

“I told him you are retiring and we should get you a gift. He said, Fuck him. Give him

$20. The lunch was my idea.”

* * *

Why are wives responsible for every lie their husband tells them?

They insist on asking questions.

* * *

Why are women like boxers?

They don’t go into action until they see a ring.

* * *

What separates the men from the boys?

Girls.

* * *

How do you separate the men from the boys in San Francisco?

With a crowbar.

* * *

“I never,” said the mother to her teenaged daughter, “had sex until I married your father.

Will you be able to say that to your daughter?”

“Absolutely,” she said. “But not with such a straight face.”

* * *

After getting the lovey-dovey couple squared away in their penthouse suite the bellhop

asks, “Anything for your wife, sir?”

“Yes,” he says, “would you bring me a postcard?”

* * *

The wife said to her maid, “I think my husband is having an affair with his secretary.”

The maid said, “Are you just saying that to make me jealous?”

* * *

The day before his wedding a young man visited his fiancée. While he was waiting for

her to come downstairs his bride-to-be’s younger sister whispered, “I’ll be upstairs waiting for

you. I want you to fuck me once before you marry my sister.”

The man walked outside to his car only to find his future-father-in-law leaning against it.

He said, “My daughters and I devised this little test which you’ve passed with flying colors.

Welcome to the family.”

“Thank you.” He got in his car and drove away, muttering, “Lucky I keep my condoms in

the fucking glove compartment.”


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