Retaliation will cause you more grief and anger- it is not a good way to deal with betrayal. - Monk Reflections

BETRAYAL TRAUMA😓

Of all the characters who march across the stage of Biblical history, there is none so tragic nor so despicable as that of Judas Iscariot. There is something horrible and terrifying about the way he betrayed Christ with a kiss. For God's sake, a kiss is supposed to be a show of love and affection. Combining a kiss with betrayal is an oxymoron, it’s like smiling with you, while plotting against you. It’s a “contraditio in terminis”.

There is a mystery of horror about this Judas character which makes him typical of all the dastardly traitors of all the ages. I hereby confer on him the C.E.O of all human betrayers. Even Jesus said of him, it would have been good had he never been born .

Betrayal by a complete stranger is bad enough, but when a trusted friend betrays you, when a homie, a lover, a relative betrays you, the pain is far greater and despicable. Most of us have been betrayed. Perhaps we were abused as children, abandoned by a spouse, falsely accused, denied what was promised us, lured into trusting the untrustworthy, or deceived into commitment that turn out to be deadly.

Betrayal trauma is defined as that deep distressing experience that comes as a result of being betrayed. We are talking about the emotional shock following that stressful event of betrayal, which if left unchecked can lead to a long term neurosis. Neurosis is a relatively mild mental illness that is not caused by organic diseases, it rather involves symptoms of stress, depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive behaviour. This response can overwhelm the individual’s ability to cope, causing feelings of helplessness, diminishing their sense of belongingness and their inability to feel the full range of emotions, and to the extreme creating mental break downs, suicidal tendencies and death.

Betrayal is the sense of being harmed by the intentional actions or omissions of a trusted person. The most common forms of betrayal are harmful disclosures of confidential information, disloyalty, infidelity, dishonesty. They can be traumatic and cause considerable distress. The effects of betrayal include shock, loss and grief, morbid pre-occupation, damaged self-esteem, self-doubting, anger. Not infrequently they produce life-altering changes.

The effects of a catastrophic betrayal are most relevant for anxiety disorders, and obsessive- compulsive disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (persistent, repeated and unwanted thoughts) and post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD in particular.

Betrayal is probably the most devastating loss a person can experience. To be betrayed, the person must first experience TRUST in the betrayer. It is fairly impossible for you to be betrayed if you did not trust the individual in the first place. Therefore, the definition of betrayal involves the act of someone violating your trust in them.

For instance, a child is betrayed when he or she is abused by the PARENTS or RELATIVES who are supposed to love, support, and protect the child. A spouse is betrayed when their partner has an affair. Betrayal is when someone you trust lies to you, cheats on you, abuses you, or hurts you by putting their own self-interest first.

BETRAYAL AS LOSS.

Betrayal is probably the most devastating loss a person can experience. Notice that I am using the term " loss " to describe the consequences of betrayal.

In our society, we have trouble understanding the concepts of LOSS and GRIEF. We understand that when someone dies we experience LOSS and GRIEF, but frequently we don't recognize the other forms of loss that we may experience in life. When a spouse develops stroke, for instance, the healthy spouse may experience loss of companionship or loss of emotional SUPPORT. When you lose a property, it is a form of a loss.

Loss can also involve things that are less tangible such as trust. When an individual is betrayed by someone, they lose trust in that person. In trusting another person, we believe that they won't hurt us; when they do hurt us, we then have the awareness that this other person has the capacity to hurt us. Therefore, we have lost something very important to the relationship, namely trust.

The reason that betrayal is the most devastating loss is because most often it is a loss that didn't have to occur. It only occurs because of someone's deliberately hurtful behaviour, or their carelessness, or their own personal weakness. Unlike an inevitable loss such as death or illness, there is usually some sort of choice involved. The person who was betrayed believes that the choice was wrong and preventable.

Even more confusing, however, is that sometimes the loss can be the loss of an illusion. Frequently, we develop in our minds the way we think things " should " be. However, reality doesn't always correspond with the demands that we put on life, ourselves, and others. Therefore, sometimes we are hurt when we have to face this reality.

For instance, imagine children who grow up in the fortunate experience of having parents who always put the needs of their children first. But what they don't know is that their parents are unhappy together. Those children become young adults and are confronted with their parents telling them that they are getting a divorce. Frequently, those children feel betrayed by the illusion of the happy family they always thought they had. Suddenly they are confronted with a hurtful reality.

Another example is that a man marries a woman and thinks of her as virgin, a virtuous, moral person. Later he finds out that she had numerous sexual encounters prior to their relationship. He has lost his concept of how he thought of his wife. He feels betrayed even though she didn't do anything to break her committed to him; his sense of betrayal is the loss of the illusion of how he thought of his wife. However, even if the betrayal is the loss of the illusion, the grief is very real and needs to be dealt with.

I think it is about time, we began to deal with the consequences of betrayal, grief and loss.

TO BE CONTINUED

Shalom and God bless you.

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