Sunday Family Humour 4th September Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

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A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland

Thanks to Tony H.

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the

horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the

road.

The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication. The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

Things you miss if you don't go to church!

Thanks to Mark G.

Frog

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate

that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is

Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny

porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult

with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called

Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants

to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says.

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan,

His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you?

Yeah, I know you are..)

Never take life too seriously!

Come on now, you grinned, I know you did.

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Automobile Air Conditioner

Thanks to Ray O'.

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office

and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him

that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation

in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees,

turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office,

where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,'

on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic,

and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million

and that just their first names would be shown.

And so, to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

A Senior Moment

Thanks to Alex

Cattle Trains at Helen Springs Station.

Thanks to Tony H.

This is a recent email sent regarding the cattle trains at Helen Springs Station.

There are a few interesting statistics;

There are 17 trucks with 3 trailers and 2 decks per trailer;

· Therefore there are 102 decks of cattle and there would be approximately 28 cattle per deck;

· This totals 2,856 head of cattle

· The cattle will weigh approximately 500kg

· The sale price for cattle at Longreach is approx. 165c/kg

· Each animal will therefore be sold at $825.

· Total revenue from this analysis is $2,356,200

· Another interesting fact:

. Each trailer has 24 tyres plus a dolly with 8 tyres

. Each vehicle therefore has 62 tyres (not including spares)

. For the 72 trucks there are 4,464 tyres on the road.

Road trains loading cattle at Helen Springs Station, north of Tennant Creek NT .

Now that's a Road Train...!

The Human Body

Thanks to Captain Bob.

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women

will be finished reading this by now.

Men

are still busy checking their thumbs.

Hash House Harriers

The Hash House Harriers (abbreviated to HHH, H3, or referred to simply as Hashing)

is an international group of non-competitive running, social and drinking clubs, whose organisation and management sets a perfect example for the new earth government.

This new type of government is known as "drinking-club-with-running-problem mentality", and is now preferred by more hashers than the "power-club-with-paranoia mentality" that runs our governments

harriermagazine.com

Visit relaxing Laos

Look out for the Inter Mekong Hash in Luang Prabang, and it's prelube run in Vientianne

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