Sunday Family Humour 4th September

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

All My Golfing Friends

Thanks to David H.

The 10 Best Caddy Replies

# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of A distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 -- Best Caddy Comment Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

BOLERO_DE_RAVEL_NUMA

_ESTAÇÃO_EM_COPENHAGEN

Thanks to Lee

Elephants never forget

Thanks to Ray M

Elephants march through hotel lobby after it was built on their migration trail!

The Mfuwe Lodge in Zambia happens to have been built next to a mango grove that one family of elephants have always visited when the fruit ripens. When they returned one year and found the luxury accommodation in the way, they simply walked through the lobby to reach their beloved grove of trees.

The animals come in two-by-two. Hotel staff and visitors have gotten used to the elephants' impromptu strolls through the lobby. Now the family group, headed by matriarch Wonky Tusk, return every November and stay for four to six weeks to gorge on mangos - up to four times a day. Andy Hogg, 44, the lodge director, has lived in South Luangwa National Park since 1982. But in all his years of dealing with wild animals he has never seen such intimate interaction between humans and wild animals. "This is the only place in the world where elephants freely get so close to humans," says Andy . "The elephants start coming through base camp in late November each year to eat the ripe mangos from our trees."

Living in the 5,000 square mile national park, the ten-strong elephant herd is led to the lodge each day by Wonky Tusk. The hotel was built directly in the path of the elephants' route to one of their favorite foods ..... Mangos.

"The most interesting thing about these wild animals," explains Andy , "is that this is the only herd that comes through, and they come and go as they please."

Mfuwe Lodge consists of seven camps and the base camp where the elephants walk through. Employing 150 staff, the management of the lodge report that there have been no incidents involving the wild elephants to date. "The elephants get reasonably close to the staff, as you can see in the pictures of the elephants near the reception area," Andy explains. "But we do not allow the guests to get that close."

"Guests can stand in the lounge but only as long as there is a barrier between the elephants and the guests," he added.

"The elephants are not aggressive but you wouldn't want to tempt them. It is the elephant's choice to be here and they have been coming here for the last ten years. There are other wild mango trees around, but they prefer ours. The lodge was unwittingly built upon their path," Andy says, "so we had no idea they would do this. It wasn't a design error, we just didn't know. The lodge was built and the elephants started walking through afterward."

"We keep people at a safe distance, but allow them close enough to see what is going on. These are still wild and dangerous animals, so there must be enough time for people to get away."

The hotel is set in an idyllic national parkland. Naturally, the lodge becomes busier for both elephants and guests during November. "We find that we get more people visiting us during the elephant migration because of the unique experience of being so close to wild animals in an unusual environment," says Andy . "But as I said this is a totally natural phenomenon, as the elephants come here of their own accord. It is certainly a rare but magnificent sight."

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Political Sarcasm

Thanks to Ray O'

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.

Winston Churchill

I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday next to a carload of Muslims when a big semi-trailer drove right over the top of their car! Flattened it! "Wow!" I thought, "That could've been me"...

so I went right out and got a Commercial Driver's License.

Today, if Dorothy (Wizard of Oz) were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz. She'd be in Congress!

We were talking at lunch today and one of the guys asked what I did over the weekend. I said I waded across a swamp that turned out to be chest deep, I could see water moccasins and a half dozen gators watching me, on the far side was a huge boa constructor, someone had let loose, common in Florida today. I nearly stepped on a sleeping Puma, and stumbled upon a half dozen wild boars that can rip your leg off. I crawled through some deep muck that nearly sucked me in. Then I crawled through underbrush loaded with fire ants that bit the fire out of me.

My friend said, "What are you an outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "just a lousy golfer."

"Obama Care Explained": Let me get this straight…We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't, Which purportedly covers at least ten million more people, without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents, written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that didn't read it but exempted themselves from it, and signed by a President who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, for which we'll be taxed for four years before any benefits take effect, by a government which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's broke!!!!!

'What the heck could possibly go wrong?' Nothing went wrong. It was struck down and pushed back down his throat!!! Hooray.

A Simplified Explanation: The folks, who are getting free stuff, don't like the folks who are paying for the free stuff, because the folks, who are paying for the free stuff, can no longer afford to pay for both the free stuff and their own stuff. And, the folks who are paying for the free stuff want the free stuff to stop. And the folks, who are getting the free stuff, want even MORE free stuff on top of the free stuff they're already getting!

Now...The people who are forcing the people who PAY for the free stuff, have told the people who are RECEIVING the free stuff, that the people who are PAYING for the free stuff, are being mean, prejudiced, and racist. So ...the people who are GETTING the free stuff, have been convinced they need to HATE the people who are PAYING for the free stuff by the people who are forcing the people who are PAYING for the free stuff and GIVING them the free stuff in the first place. Now...Ain't THAT some Stuff…no, actually it is some shit!

Thanks to Larry R: The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive, and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? Believe it or not ...a Congress!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington!

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name. "Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?" "I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?

Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?

Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name. "Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?" “Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse?

Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs?

Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the hell happened to Walter?”

Let's get out in Nature

Thanks t Paul S.

Google Presentation

Young people

Thanks to Paul S.

Google Presentation

Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

Thanks to Ray O'.

once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid..

7.Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

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