Sunday Family Humour 3rd July Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

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An elderly gentleman

Thanks to Tony H.

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids

that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,

'Your hearing is perfect..

Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations.

I've changed my will three times! '

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree

when one turns to the other and says:

'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.

I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house,

and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,

'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said,

'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,

'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

I love this one!

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse,

I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet,

who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said.

'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,

but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair..

'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.

Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down,

I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream -

I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen

and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..

She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

A man was telling his neighbor,

'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor .

'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

At the weekend, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly,

painfully, up onto a stool..

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Amazing Korean Kid

Thanks to Tony H.

Nature

Thanks to Ray O'.

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Church Signs

Thanks to Peter D.

Extreme Video Compilation

Thanks to Captain Bob.

New Car Stickers

Thanks to Peter D.

Looking after your computer.

Sorry, not funny, but very useful

Thanks to experience

Most software used in 2011 is quite stable, but nevertheless, it is not perfect.

The imperfections cause a gradual accumulation of the remains of deleted files, and also fragments files because there is insufficient contiguous space.

I found a program which does all the cleaning out for you, and repair any errors it finds.

I have now used it for many months, and it keeps my computer tidy and quick.

This software is available for free download as follows:

http://www.iobit.com/advancedsystemcareper.html

I need no other cleaning out software at all, as this does a good job of removing unwanted rubbish,

and defragmenting the files.

It even contains a turbo feature which makes your computer faster by stopping all the unneeded routines

- who uses a tablet writer and a printer at the same time as scheduling realplayer?

Download this for free,

and run it once per week to clean your computer and maintain the good health of your computer.

The software writer says:

Extremely Easy to Use

Completes its work with just one click! Scans, repairs and secures your PC in one minute.

Next-generation Free Windows XP/Vista/7 Registry Cleaner and System Optimizer

Safely cleans registry junk, compacts registry bloat and defragments the registry for blistering-fast performance.

Quick and Extensive System Clean-up

Boosts your system's performance with Advanced SystemCare Free, the powerful free registry cleaner by cleaning missing files, destroying unwanted files, deleting obsolete files, and removing junk files. Supports deep-cleansing of more than 50 types of junk files.

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If you like a bit of an adventure and a laugh, then we recommend the Hash House Harriers,

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