Sunday Family Humour 13th March Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

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Gotta Luv the British

Thanks to Tony H.

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group

and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights,

and occasionally stopping at a quaint

pub to soak up the local culture,

chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....

big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...

NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings

and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie,

who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American,

"but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back delivery alley",

then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away,...anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in

the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.

Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured

hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing,

he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back thru the gate, he says to the Bobbie

"That was really decent of you .is that "British Hospitality ?"

"No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face,

"That is the French Embassy."

Africa from above

Thanks to Ray M.

Colonoscopy

Thanks to Larry

If you can't afford a doctor,

go to an airport

- you'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam,

and if you mention Al Qaeda,

you'll get a free colonoscopy.

NOT FOR SCOUSERS

(That's Liverpool)

Thanks to Tony H.

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'

'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a

pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.

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Alex and Imogene Miller's Collection

Thanks to Tony H.

It's reported that the Miller auction generated $2.18 Million in sales.

AK Miller's Front Yard

Consider the strange story of Alex and Imogene Miller of East Orange , VT.

They eked out an existence on a small farm. Alex would scrounge rusty nails from burnt buildings

to repair his roof. He drove a ratty VW Beetle, and when it died, he found another

even more ratty, and another...the rusting carcasses littered his yard.

Alex died in 1993, and Imogene died in 1996. The local church took up a collection so they could

be buried in the churchyard, and the state began the process of taking the farm for taxes.

That would have been the end of a sad story, except.....

Forget the VW: a '28 Franklin ($4500US) and a '23 HCS($14,500US)lurk inside

While preparing the estate for auction, the sheriff discovered a cache of

bearer bonds taped to the back of a mirror. That triggered a

comprehensive search of the house and outbuildings. The estate auction

would eventually be handled by Christies, and it would bring out collectors

from all over the world.

1913 Stutz Bearcat went for just $105,000US. Must have been the bad tire.

It seems that Alex Miller was a Rutgers grad, son of a wealthy financier.

He lived in Montclair , NJ , where he founded Miller's Flying Service in

1930. He operated a gyrocopter (look it up, it's too much of a digression)

for mail and delivery service through the 30's. But the Millers had a

secret, and they moved from Montclair when they needed room for it.

Step behind the wheel of a 1916 Stutz Bearcat. ($155,000 US)

Choosing to live low profile, and paranoid about tax collectors, Miller

moved to the farm in VT, and took his collections with him. Most of his

cash had been exchanged for gold and silver bars and coins, which he buried

in various locations around the farm. He carefully disassembled his

gyrocopter, and stored it in an old one-room schoolhouse on his property.

he then built a couple of dozen sheds and barns out of scrap lumber and

recycled nails. In the sheds he put his collection.

Have to remember to clean that '20 Bearcat out of the shed. ($50,000 US)

Alex Miller had an obsession with cars. Not just any cars, but Stutz cars.

Blackhawks, Bearcats, Superbearcats, DV16's and 32's. He had been buying

them since the 1920's. When Stutz went out of business, he bought a huge

pile of spare parts, which was also carefully stored away in his sheds.

A Springfield Rolls Picadilly Roadster ($115,000US). Made in Illinois .

Sometimes, he would stray, and buy other "special cars", including

Locomobiles, a Stanley, and a Springfield Rolls Royce. He never drove them.

He'd simply move them into his storage sheds in the middle of the night,

each car wrapped in burlap to protect it from any prying eyes. Over the

years, the farm appeared to grow more and more forlorn, even as the

collection was growing.

A snappy car: 1921 Stutz Bearcat. ($58,000 US)

Occasionally he would sell some parts to raise cash. Rather than dipping

into his cache, he would labor for hours making copies of the original

parts by hand.

Stutz factory spares. Cylinders and pistons from a brass era Stutz in forground.

Collectors knew him as a sharp trader, who had good

merchandise but was prone to cheating. His neighbors had no clue at all,

they thought Alex and Imogene were paupers, and often helped out with charity.

Wheelbarrow blocks a '28 Stutz Blackhawk Boattail Speedster ($78,000 US)

The auction was a three day circus, billed as the "Opening of King Stutz

Tomb". It attracted celebrity collectors, as well as

thousands of curiosity seekers. The proceeds were in the millions, some

items went for far more than their value in the frenzy.

In the end, the IRS took a hefty chunk of the cash for back taxes, which proves the old adage about the only two sure things in life...

A vanilla '31 SV16 Stutz Sedan ($10,000)

Bargain of the show: a '29 Stutz Blackhawk sedan for $7000 US

A beautiful Stutz DV32 Sedan ($27,500)

Anyone need a new Stutz engine? Still factory fresh.

A'23 HCS ($12,000 US) lurks in the darkness of the barn

A Lebaron dual-cowl Stutz from 1929 ($68,000US)

A '27 Stutz AA Sedan for $6500US

1925 Stutz Speedway Six ($9000 US)

T-Head engine in a '21 Bearcat

Songs from old movies

Humans! The Most Remarkable Species Living on Planet Earth!

Thanks to Tony H.

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