Sunday Family Humour 23rd January 2011

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

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Complaints from Council House Owners.

Thanks to Ray M.

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.

I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

8. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path?

My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

14. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2.

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As reported in the newspaper...

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill,

a spokesman for North West Gas said,

"We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas

used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

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Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

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At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge.

However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

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Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"

(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

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A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service.

I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course,

you happen to be married to my ex-wife,

in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome:

not knowing his elbow from his backside.

I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

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"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.)

"Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...."

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"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..)

"Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...)

"This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train:

Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your butt.

Voice Activated Elevator

Thanks to Tony H.

Instantaneous photos in Passing

Second Language

Thanks to Tony H.

His Thumb

Thanks to Ray M.

This is worth sharing…it really makes you realize that it doesn’t matter where you go in life, what you do, or how much you have, it’s who you have beside you.

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient,

I would evaluate his wound. On examination, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his stitches and re-dress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.

He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.

He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'

He smiled as he patted my hand and said,

"She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life.'

True love is neither physical, nor romantic.

True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message. This one I thought I could share with you.

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

'Life isn't about how to survive the storm,

But how to dance in the rain.

We are all getting Older

Tomorrow may be our turn.

Enjoy life now--it has an expiration date!

Dogs and People

Thanks to Blain

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