Sunday Family Humour 13th February 2011 Page 2
Sunday Family Humour 13th February 2011 Page 2
Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!
Thanks to Prez
TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few!
Saw Stop
Thanks to Tony H,
For those of you who use or ever have used a table saw, you will find this fascinating. You are going to enjoy this one. Watch all of it!
If you have never seen "Time Warp," it's a show all about super-duper slow motion cameras capturing things we take for granted and never see as they really are. In this case, they take photos of this guy's new invention. What a combination!
Orchids of Vietnam
Thanks to Scott R.
THIS IS PROOF THAT CARS WERE THEN BUILT TO LAST A LIFE TIME...
Can you imagine having the same car for 82 years?!!!
I guess it was no longer under warranty...
"How Long Have You Owned a Car?"
Mr. Allen Swift ( Springfield , MA.) received this 1928 Rolls-Royce Picadilly P1 Roadster from his father, brand new - as a graduation gift in 1928.
He drove it up until his death last year...at the age of 102!!!
He was the oldest living owner of a car from new.
Just thought you'd like to see it.
He donated it to a Springfield museum after his death.
It has 170,000 miles on it,
Still runs like a Swiss-watch,
Dead silent at any speed and is in perfect cosmetic condition.
(82 years)
That's approximately 2,000 miles per year...
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Surprised Pussy Cat
Thanks to Alex
Unique Yacht
Thanks to Ray O'.
I'll bet the Coast Guard just loves this bloke – and not to mention the abuse from other boaties!
The Love Love was built to look as if it is sinking
French artist Julien Berthier has designed a fully functional boat to look as if it is sinking.
The 6.5m (21ft) yacht was cut in half with a new keel and motor added so it remains in the sinking position while being fully functional.
He describes it as "the permanent and mobile image of a wrecked ship that has become a functional and safe leisure object."
Berthier has taken the boat (or should I say half-a-boat) across the English Channel to London and has toured it around Europe, getting plenty of offers of assistance from unwitting good Samaritans, who would presumably be either very annoyed or rather bemused by the contraption.
The designer and artist designed and built the floating installation in 2007. He named his creation Love Love.
The Latest Technical Innovations
Thanks to Cindy
British Hospitals - True Stories
Thanks to Ray O'.
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath
3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ...' So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . .'Keep off the grass'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London
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