Sunday Family Humour 14th August

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

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To all you lovers of our language.

Thanks to John Howes

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,

Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,

Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger,

neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England .

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,

we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,

and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,

grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,

what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.

We have noses that run and feet that smell.

We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,

while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language

in which your house can burn up as it burns down,

in which you fill in a form by filling it out,

and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing, if Father is Pop,

how come Mother's not Mop?

Monty Python's "The World's Funnies Joke"

Thanks to Gary E.

Rare old photos

Thanks to Ray M.

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Bertha and Betty

Thanks to David M.

Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said,

"Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school.

Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven,

somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said,

"Betty, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Bertha died.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep

by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Betty, Betty."

"Who is it," asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Betty -- it's me, Bertha."

"You're not Bertha. Bertha just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Bertha," insisted the voice.

"Bertha! Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Bertha. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Betty.

"The good news," Bertha said with joy and enthusiasm,

"is that there's women's softball in heaven.

Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too.

Even better than that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always Springtime and it never rains or snows.

And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Betty. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

Aircraft Carriers from China

Thanks to Tony H.

Note: these pictures are artists impressions.

These future aircraft carriers look formidable and of ultra modern design. There are reports the 1st Chinese aircraft carrier is under construction and could enter service around 2015 or earlier. It won't be long before we see the real thing. Defense analysts are waiting; watching anxiously.

This is quantum leap above anything USA have on the drawing board. They have thought " outside the box " on this one. Better speed, larger capacity, much more stable, etc.

Definitely a " blue-water " long reach vessel. Plus they can service their nuke sub fleet in-between the twin hulls (sight unseen) or even launch amphibious opps from same. It will be launched in half the time it takes the usa at just one-third the cost. Add the new Chinese stealth fighter bomber ( naval version already flight testing ) in the mix and you have the makings of a formidable weapons system indeed.

Also look at that extra ''parking and readiness'' station between both hull structures. And of course the launching and landing capabilities from the utilisation of twin flight decks at once

p.p.s Six of these vessels ( two Pacific, two Atlantic, one Indian Ocean

and one Med Sea ) would be a pretty good diplomatic " big stick ". note:

The Chinese are already drilling for oil off Cuba, Brazil and Venezuela.

Can they build a fleet of these things?

A few facts: the Chinese have completed the world's biggest dam (three gorges), the world's longest over-water bridge (65 times as much steel as in the Eiffel Tower), and a 15,000' high railroad into Tibet (all considered major engineering feats).

They are the only nation other than Russia that can launch men into outer space (usa capability ends with the last space shuttle launch this month). tthey have also shot down a surveillance satellite (one of their own)

from the ground. plus they " own our ass " in the international debt game.

China's new a/c carrier could be twice as fast as anything we have, plus the stability of a catamaran type hull will greatly reduce the pitching, yawing and swaying common to our present designs.

Interesting house-building concept

Thanks to Tony H.

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