Sunday Family Humour 11th September

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

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ALL PUNS INTENDED

Thanks to Bill S.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2.. A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:

"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly..

"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either..

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...And pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,

and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office,

and asked them to disperse.

"But why," they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband

that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,

he suffered from bad breath.

This made him

...A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail.

The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends,

with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

Final Shuttle Mission

Thanks to David H.

Japanese Kid's Swing Orchestra

Thanks to Ray M.

Be sure to watch the expression on their faces at the end.

These kids are great!

If you are old enough you will smile, if you are young you will love it. This is music! ! ! Amazing how young they are.

Whether or not you like swing music turn up your speaker and take a trip back in time.

These Japanese kids would make Benny Goodman proud! Click Sing below:

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What Is A 710?

Thanks to Ray O'.

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'.

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' the mechanic fainted

If you're not sure what a 710 is

Thomas Jefferson

Thanks to Chris A.

Thomas Jefferson was a very remarkable man

who started learning very early in life and never stopped.

At 5, began studying under his cousin's tutor.

At 9, studied Latin, Greek and French.

At 14, studied classical literature and additional languages.

At 16, entered the College of William and Mary.

At 19, studied Law for 5 years starting under George Wythe.

At 23, started his own law practice.

At 25, was elected to the Virginia House of Burgesses.

At 31, wrote the widely circulated "Summary View of the Rights of British America "

and retired from his law practice.

At 32, was a Delegate to the Second Continental Congress.

At 33, wrote the Declaration of Independence .

At 33, took three years to revise Virginia 's legal code

and wrote a Public Education bill and a statute for Religious Freedom.

At 36, was elected the second Governor of Virginia succeeding Patrick Henry.

At 40, served in Congress for two years.

At 41, was the American minister to France and negotiated commercial treaties

with European nations along with Ben Franklin and John Adams.

At 46, served as the first Secretary of State under George Washington.

At 53, served as Vice President and was elected president of the American Philosophical Society.

At 55, drafted the Kentucky Resolutions and became the active head of Republican Party.

At 57, was elected the third president of the United States .

At 60, obtained the Louisiana Purchase doubling the nation's size.

At 61, was elected to a second term as President.

At 65, retired to Monticello .

At 80, helped President Monroe shape the Monroe Doctrine.

At 81, almost single-handedly created the University of Virginia

and served as its first president.

At 83, died on the 50th anniversary of the

Signing of the Declaration of Independence along with John Adams

Thomas Jefferson knew because he himself studied the previous failed attempts at government.

He understood actual history, the nature of God, his laws and the nature of man.

That happens to be way more than what most understand today.

Jefferson really knew his stuff. A voice from the past to lead us in the future:

John F. Kennedy held a dinner in the white House

for a group of the brightest minds in the nation at that time.

He made this statement:

"This is perhaps the assembly of the most intelligence ever

to gather at one time in the White House

with the exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone."

Thomas Jefferson

"When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe,

we shall become as corrupt as Europe ."

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work

and give to those who would not."

"It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes.

A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world."

"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them."

"My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government."

"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms."

"The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is,

as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

"The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time

with the blood of patriots and tyrants."

"To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation

of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical."

"I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies.

If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency,

first by inflation, then by deflation,

the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks

will deprive the people of all property

- until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered."

Amazingly Skilful Marionette

Thanks to David M.

Old French cars

Thanks to David H.

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