Sunday Family Humour 15th May

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

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Baptist Humour

Thanks to Ray O'.

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear.

She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died."

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now." and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol'Spot never even stopped.

Recess Explained

Thanks to Butch

Banks have banded together

Thanks to Alex

A number of Banks have banded together to express their gratitude

to the British people for bailing them out in their time of need.

They have commissioned a limited edition commemorative pencil sharpener

which will be offered to selected customers in gratitude for the billions of Pounds

they got out of us last year and the billions in years to come. It's designed to remind us of the friendly and,

even intimate relationship the banks have built up with the public.

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Zenn Car

Thanks to Blain

Did you Know that the ZENN car (Zero Emissions No Noise) is made in Quebec.Cost approx $12,000. Plug it in like a ut it is not available in most of Canada.. Just think of the tax money that would be lost. In Quebec it costs $1.30 a liter which includes hidden and GST PST taxes of 32..3%. The politicians are looking at the loss of billions they can't swindle or waste and think of their oil lobbies that will lose their bonuses; it's not what's good for the country or environment but what hurts the oil industry.

Cactus Roses

Thanks to Lee.

Tiger's New Playground

Thanks To Tony H.

Tiger Woods is preparing to move into his $60 million Florida mansion - which comes complete with a running track and four-hole golf course.

The golfer, whose marriage to Elin Nordegren ended in a hugely expensive divorce last year, posted photos of his new pad on his blog and said he was 'excited' about making it his home.

'Pretty soon, I'll be moving into my new home in Jupiter, Florida ,' he wrote.

New home: Tiger Woods is preparing to move into this new mansion in Jupiter, Florida

'I'm excited about that and I'm even more excited about my new practice facility. It's phenomenal.'

Following their divorce - which is rumoured to have cost Woods $100 million - the former World Number One took over the planning and has transformed the property into a state of the art bachelor pad.

The mansion, which overlooks the Atlantic Ocean , boasts huge windows for incredible sea views and has a glass-fronted lift for anyone too tired to take the stairs.

As well as a gigantic master bedroom - with, a little ironically, his-and-hers bathrooms - there are three further bedroom suites.

According to his architects' plans, the basement also houses a large wine cellar and possibly a cinema and games area with the best equipment for Woods' children Sam and Charlie.

Scores of tall trees and high boundary walls surround the plot, ensuring the privacy the golfer craves.

Another four buildings adjoin the main house, including a boathouse, golf training studio, a stand-alone garage and a huge guesthouse.

Luxury living: The property features a tennis court, gym, diving pool, lap lane, 100-foot running track and small golf course,

A pair of boat docks will provide a berth for Woods' 155 ft yacht, aptly named Privacy. Writing on his blog, Woods said he was particularly excited about using his new 3.5-acre back yard golf course.

'Working with my team, I designed the short-game facility and oversaw its construction,' he revealed.

'It features four greens, six bunkers with different depths and kinds of sand, a video center and a putting studio.

'If no wind is blowing, the longest club I can hit is a 7-iron. It's also set up so I can hit shots out of my second-storey studio.'

TROUBLE AT The SENIOR CENTER

Thanks to Chris A.

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance.

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye

on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,

"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until,

suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

Claude was never invited back to entertain.

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