Sunday Family Humour 20th March

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

Middle of the night ponderables

Thanks to Bill S.

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME !

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone

believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,

why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses

are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE ...

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Animals in Beautiful Colour

Thanks to Alex

Google Presentation

It's a Guy Thing

Thanks to Ray O'

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Hits with New Lyrics

Thanks to Liora

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics

to accommodate aging baby boomers

who can remember doing the "Limbo"

as if

it were yesterday.

Bobby Darin

Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits

Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr

I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees

How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack

The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash

I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon

Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores

Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Marvin Gaye

Heard It Through The Grape Nuts

Procol Harem

A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer

You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations

Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba

Denture Queen

"You haven't seen my teeth have you Wilma?

Tony Orlando

Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling

If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy

I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

== ---

Leslie Gore

It's My Procedure, And I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last But NOT Least...

Willie Nelson

On The Commode Again...

40th wedding anniversary

Thanks to Larry

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...

The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

Forward Sunday Humour TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH .

AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

Cool bicycle

I want one

Thanks to Ray O'

Pavement artist

Google Presentation

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