Sunday Family Humour 24th April Page 2

Sunday Family Humour 24th April Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

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This is definitely a NEW AGE Confucius!

Thanks to Ray O'.

Confucius says.....

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets

exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Perfect Daughter

Thanks to Ray O'

ONIONS

PLEASE READ TO THE END: IMPORTANT

In 1919 when the flu killed 40 million people a Doctor a

visited many farmers to help them combat the flu.

Many of the farmers and their family had contracted it and many died.

The doctor came upon this one farmer and to his surprise, everyone was very

healthy. When the doctor asked what the farmer was doing that was different

the wife replied that she had placed an unpeeled onion in a dish in the

rooms of the home, (probably only two rooms back then). The doctor couldn't

believe it and asked if he could have one of the onions and place it under

the microscope. She gave him one and when he did this, he did find the flu

virus in the onion. It obviously absorbed the bacteria, therefore, keeping

the family healthy.

Now, I heard this story from my hairdresser in AZ. She said that several

years ago many of her employees were coming down with the flu and so were

many of her customers. The next year she placed several bowls with onions

around in her shop. To her surprise, none of her staff got sick. It must

work.. Try it and see what happens. We did it last year and we never got the flu.

Now there is a P. S. to this for I sent it to a friend in Oregon who

regularly contributes material to me on health issues. She replied with this

most interesting experience about onions:

Thanks for the reminder. I don't know about the farmers story.. but, I do

know that I contacted pneumonia and needless to say I was very ill.. I came

across an article that said to cut both ends off an onion put it into an

empty jar...placing the jar next to the sick patient at night. It said the

onion would be black in the morning from the germs.. sure enough it happened

just like that.. the onion was a mess and I began to feel better.

Another thing I read in the article was that onions and garlic placed around

the room saved many from the black plague years ago. They have powerful

antibacterial, antiseptic properties.

This is the other note.

Lots of times when we have stomach problems we don't know what to blame.

Maybe it's the onions that are to blame. Onions absorb bacteria is the

reason they are so good at preventing us from getting colds and flu's and is

the very reason we shouldn't eat an onion that has been sitting for a time

after it has been cut open.

LEFT OVER ONIONS ARE POISONOUS

I had the wonderful privilege of touring Mullins Food Products, Makers of

mayonnaise.. Mullins is huge, and is owned by 11 brothers and sisters in the

Mullins family. My friend, Jeanne, is the CEO.

Questions about food poisoning came up, and I wanted to share what I learned

from a chemist.

The guy who gave us our tour is named Ed. He's one of the brothers Ed is a

chemistry expert and is involved in developing most of the sauce formula.

He's even developed sauce formula for McDonald's.

Keep in mind that Ed is a food chemistry whiz. During the tour, someone

asked if we really needed to worry about mayonnaise. People are always

worried that mayonnaise will spoil. Ed's answer will surprise you. Ed said

that all commercially- made Mayo is completely safe.

"It doesn't even have to be refrigerated. No harm in refrigerating it, but

it's not really necessary." He explained that the pH in mayonnaise is set at

a point that bacteria could not survive in that environment. He then talked

about the quaint essential picnic, with the bowl of potato salad sitting on

the table and how everyone blames the mayonnaise when someone gets sick.

Ed says that! when food poisoning is reported, the first thing the officials

look for is when the 'victim' last ate ONIONS and where those onions came

from (in the potato salad?). Ed says it's not the mayonnaise (as long as

it's not homemade Mayo) that spoils in the outdoors. It's probably the

onions, and if not the onions, it's the POTATOES.

He explained, onions are a huge magnet for bacteria, especially uncooked

onions. You should never plan to keep a portion of a sliced onion.. He says

it's not even safe if you put it in a zip-lock bag and put it in your

refrigerator.

It's already contaminated enough just by being cut open and out for a bit,

that it can be a danger to you (and doubly watch out for those onions you

put in your hotdogs at the baseball park!) Ed says if you take the leftover onion and cook it like crazy you'! ll probably be okay, but if you slice that leftover onion and put on your sandwich, you're asking for trouble. Both the onions and the moist potato in a potato salad, will attract and grow bacteria faster than any commercial mayonnaise will even begin to break down.

Also, dogs should never eat onions. Their stomachs cannot metabolize onions.

Please remember it is dangerous to cut an onion and try to use it to cook

the next day, it becomes highly poisonous for even a single night and

creates toxic bacteria which may cause adverse stomach infections because of excess bile secretions and even food poisoning.

Please pass this on to all you love and care.

The Indian With One Testicle

Duz tha speak Yorkshire

Thanks to Tony

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

......................................................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

..................................................................................................

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words

"She were thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.

True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready

and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved

"She were thin".

He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

"E, she were thin".

...................................................................................

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

....................................................................................

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.

Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.

Police say the dangerous practice is now called "E by gum"

A Great Weekend

Thanks to Mark G

A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida,walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal

at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought

another ring over.. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler

said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with

excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,

'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write

it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick

the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said

'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about

MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

See........Not All Seniors Are Senile

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