Sunday Family Humour 10th July

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Colonoscopy

Thanks to Ray O'.

Hilarious - Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies..

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurt age. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Redneck paintball

Thanks to Butch

Golf is easy

Thanks to Peter D.

Stopped by the Police

Thanks to Peter D.

An older gentleman is stopped by the police around 1 a.m.

and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies,

"I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks,

"Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies,

"That would be my wife."

The Aum

According to our ancient sages, the vibration which many have tried to translate as God,

or some other personification of The Great Vibration,

is represented when we carefully pronounce the word A-u-m.

The complete practice will massage each of the seven chakras,

and will make the entire body glow with warmth.

This is very useful for expressing gratitude.

Stage 1 - making the sound AUM

Start with the mouth very wide open to form a sharp 'A'.

Then while singing 'A' quietly,

we slowly and gradually close our lips going through a stage of 'AU',

until we are singing 'U',

Now, with no steps, but in one continual gradual movement,

we continue to close our lips, until we are singing 'M',

.

We hold on to and deepen through the nostrils, going through the 'UM' stage to the 'MM'.

The vibration will be felt in the upper nostril, and third eye,

which will open with sufficient practice.

Stage 2 - putting into practice.

By practising very quietly, we can even get away with doing this in very noisy, boring places, with no-one knowing that we are in another, more sane, world. If we are able to direct our consciousness, then we can also use this as a method for keeping warm, or for disposing of pain.

We are going to put together a series of 'AUM's, with careful timing of the breathing.

a) Inhalation

We start with a slow in-breath, during the count of eight seconds

(one-second, two-second, three-second, four-second, five-second, six-second, seven-second, eight-second).

b) Upper pause

Then, with our lungs full, we pause for a count of four

(one-second, two-second, three-second, four-second).

As we reach the 'four-second' mark, we open our mouth wide ready for the 'A'.

c) Singing while exhaling

Now we proceed with the 'AUM', during a count of sixteen.

We aim to be leaving the 'UM', and moving to 'M', at a count of twelve.

If we have unexpired breath at the count of sixteen, then we fully exhale as we finish the 'sixteen-second'.

('A' one-second, two-second three-second, 'AU' four second, five-second, six-second, 'U' seven-second, eight-second, nine-second, 'UM' ten-second, eleven-second, twelve-second, 'M' thirteen-second, fourteen-second, fifteen-second, and sixteen second - blow(to exhale all breath))

d) Lower Pause

Then, with our lungs empty, we pause for a count of four

(one-second, two-second, three-second, four-second).

As we reach the 'four-second' mark, we push out our diaphragm to initiate the in-breath.

Repeat for seven cycles.

Stage three - Auming with colour visualisation.

This stage gives balance to the chakras, and gives a general tone up to the body. We AUM for seven cycles of seven. For each cycle we consider the next colour of the rainbow, Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet. (Note: If we have never done colour visualisation before, then we need to be able to picture in our mind some item which we can easily recall, which always appears with the chosen colour, e.g. the red hat, the oranges at the market stall, the yellow buttercup, the green lawn, the blue light on top of a car, indigo (imagine), the violet flower (or pansy, or your favourite violet coloured item).

ROYGBIV

With regular practice and complete concentration, we will be able to complete the full spectrum of the rainbow, with no mistakes. This is a wonderful meditation, and helps to tune up the powers of concentration,

which calms the mind. The time taken will be about half an hour. This half hour will calm our minds, and remove thoughts of pain. It takes practice and will power to complete the cycle, but on completion, a radiance, and sense of satisfaction will be experienced.

For those musically inclined,

the final step is to incorporate the seven notes of the scale, as follows.

While envisaging red, we sing the note doh, but still pronouncing 'AUM'.

While envisaging orange, we sing the note ray.

While envisaging yellow, we sing the note me.

While envisaging green, we sing the note fah.

While envisaging blue, we sing the note soh.

While envisaging indigo, we sing the note lah.

While envisaging violet, we sing the note tee.

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