Sunday Family Humour 24th April

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

Some great one liners!!

Thanks to Peter D

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him about it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.

Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.

His mate turns to him and says,

" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "

Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.

They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

Spent £40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger.

Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass !

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse !

I thought, that's it I'm not coming back to this dentist !

Water Falls

Thanks to Ray O'.

Google Presentation

Amazing Vanishing Trick

Thanks to Bill S.

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Law of the Garbage Truck

Thanks to Ray O'

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital. This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally.Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.

Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets,so ... Love the people who treat you right.Pray for the ones who don't.

Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

Have a garbage-free day!

(Easier said, than done ....For me)

and for a frustration free day.........step out and kick his ass

WALKING THE DOG

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.

Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.

The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay,

and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.

A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind

because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight..

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her,

and calling her by name, said,

"Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind lady said, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill

when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane

with a guide dog for the blind!

Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses !

People scattered.

They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story.....

Have a great day and remember.....

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR .

A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!

Front row seat at Cape Canaveral

Thanks to David H.

Ode to Nature

Thanks to David H.

Google Presentation

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