Sunday Family Humour 14th November 2010 Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

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Humour from the Heart

Thanks to Bill S.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,

''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'

Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'

She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.

Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper,

but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned

and complained bitterly,

'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'

Replied the widow,

'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea,

but I thought it would be better for posterity

to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.

It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.

We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 .

Please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket .

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out,

'Watch that wall!'

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out.

I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home.

He makes love to me every morning and then gets up

and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

She said, 'He makes me home-made soup for lunch

and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

She said,

'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. '

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

She said,

'I can't remember where I live!'

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.

Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,

'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.

....but I just can't think of your name!

I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.

Please tell me what your name is.'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do,

and the eyesight to tell the difference.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.

You grow old because you stop laughing!

How to pick out a dog

Thanks to Mark G.

Take the Time

Thanks to David H.

The Human Body

Thanks to Paul S.

Cool Facts about

The Human Body

Scientists say the higher your I.Q. the more you dream.

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

You use 200 muscles to take one step.

The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.

A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball..

The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate,

and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

Your thumb is the same length of your nose.

Underwater Photos

Thanks to Paul S.

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Four Worms

Thanks to Ray M.

Four Worms and a Lesson to be learned

A minister decided that a visual

demonstration would add emphasis

to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into

four separate jars..

The first worm was put into a container

of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container

of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of

chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of

good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the

Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

The Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation

What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back,

quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service