Sunday Family Humour 21st November 2010

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

Page 1

Driving and drinking

After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk.

He told me the other vehicle was a cow.

===

53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention'.

Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd.

'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid.

Can I have a volunteer please?'

Jamie Carragher gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Gerrard asks him

'What is 15 plus 15?'

After 15 or 20 seconds Carragher says, ' Forty!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

Then the Scousers start chanting

'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Gerrard says,

'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and

global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'

So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'

Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.

Everyone is disheartened and Carragher starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,

'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says,

'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'

Silence hangs over the stadium.

Carragher closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says,

'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium

as the Scouse crowd stand to a man,

wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,

'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

===

We have to stop cutting down trees.

This is getting serious.

Quiz for today

Thanks to Ray O'P.

These are tricky so be careful; the answers are not obvious

1. Why are 2009 dollar bills worth more than 2008 dollar bills?

2. Johnny's mother had three children.

The first child was named April.

The second child was named May.

What was the third child's name?

3. There is a clerk at the butcher shop,

he is five feet ten inches tall

and he wears size 13 sneakers.

What does he weigh?

4. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,

what was the highest mountain in the world?

5. How much dirt is there in a hole

that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

6. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

7. Billy was born on December 28th,

yet his birthday is always in the summer.

How is this possible?

8. In California ,

you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.

Why not?

9. What was the US President's Name in 1975?

10. If you were running a race,

and you passed the person in 2nd place,

what place would you be in now?

11. Which is correct to say,

"The yolk of the egg are white"

or

"The yolk of the egg is white"?

12. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field

and 4 haystacks in the other field,

how many haystacks would he have

if he combined them all in another field?

========================

Here are the Answers

1. Why are 2009 dollar bills worth more than 2008 dollar bills?

Answer: It's a dollar more.

2. Johnny's mother had three children.

The first child was named April.

The second child was named May.

What was the third child's name?

Answer: Johnny of course

3. There is a clerk at the butcher shop,

he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers.

What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

4. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest ; it just wasn't discovered yet.

5. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

6. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

7. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

8. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.

Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

9. What was the President's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama

10. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

11. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow

12. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,

how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack

Walk-in Fridge

Thanks to Ray M.

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Journey to the Centre of the Earth

Thanks to Ray O'P

Google Presentation

Tech Support

Thanks to Tony H.

======

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one...

======

Customer: Hi, this is Celine .. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No , wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry...

======

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

======

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

======

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.

Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.

I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor,

but the computer still says he can't find it.

======

Customer: I have problems printing in red..

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

======

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

======

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: ! OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah that one does work..

======

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple,

a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

======

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five dots.

======

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

======

Customer: I have a huge problem.

A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer,

but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

======

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first email.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address,

but how do I get the little circle around it?

======

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.

The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

======

And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.

That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.

Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

The Very Hungry Mouse

Thanks to Paul S.

The extraordinary scene was captured by photography student Casey Gutteridge

at the Santago Rare Leopard Project in Hertfordshire.

The 19-year-old, from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire,

who was photographing the leopard for a course project,

was astounded by the mouse's behavior.

He said: 'I have no idea where the mouse came from

- he just appeared in the enclosure after the keeper had dropped in the meat for the leopard.

'He didn't take any notice of the leopard,

just went straight over to the meat and started feeding himself.

'But the leopard was pretty surprised

- she bent down and sniffed the mouse and flinched a bit like she was scared.

'In the meantime the mouse just carried on eating like nothing had happened...

but even a gentle shove does not deter the little creature from getting his fill.

'It was amazing, even the keeper who had thrown the meat into the enclosure was shocked

- he said he'd never seen anything like it before.'

Project owner Jackie James added: 'It was so funny to see

- Sheena batted the mouse a couple of times to try to get it away from her food.

'But the determined little thing took no notice and just carried on.'

Sheena was brought in to the Santago Rare Leopard Project

from a UK zoo when she was just four months old.

She is one of 14 big cats in the private collection started by Jackie 's late husband Peter in 1989.

The African Leopard can be found in the continent's forests,grasslands, savannas, and rainforests.

...so the mouse continued to eat the leopard's lunch and show the leopard who was the boss.

Cartoons

Thanks to Ray O;P

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