Sunday Family Humour 22nd May

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

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Military Rules of Engagement

Thanks to Ray O'.

Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.

3. Have a plan.

4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.

5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'

7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.

8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)

9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.

10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEAL's Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.

2. Kill every living thing within view.

3. Adjust Speedo.

4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.

2. Locate individuals requiring killing.

3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.

4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.

5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.

2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.

3. Curse bitterly.

4. Curse bitterly.

5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed.

6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.

2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.

3. See what's on HBO.

4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'

5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.

6. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.

7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.

8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.

9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.

10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

( And I Love This Next One)

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.

2. Drink Coffee.

3. Deploy Marines

David's Rules:

1)Steer clear of all people who use weapons

2) If in doubt, read 1)

Ramps are for Sissies

Thanks to Ray M.

Chinese Building

Thanks to Ray O'.

YES, IT'S An ENTIRE 13-STORY BUILDING IN CHINA

...... LYING ON THE GROUND!!???

(1) An underground garage was being dug on the south side of the building, to a depth of 4.6 meters (15 ft).

(2) The excavated dirt was being piled up on the north side of the building, to a height of 10 meters (32 ft).

(3) They dug right up to the base of the building. Then the rains came!!

(4) The building experienced uneven lateral pressure from north to south.

(5) This resulted in a lateral pressure of 3,000 tonnes, which was greater than what the un-reinforced pilings could tolerate.

Thus, the building toppled-over completely, in a southerly direction. (Ooops!!)

*First, the apartment building was constructed.*

Then the plan called for an underground garage to be dug out.

The excavated soil was piled up on the other side of the building.

Heavy rains resulted in water seeping into the ground.

The building began to tilt.

Then it began to shift, and the 'hollow' concrete pilings were snapped, due to the uneven lateral-pressures.

And thus was born the 'Eighth wonder of the world'!!

If these buildings were closer together, it would have resulted in a 'domino effect'.

Notice that there's NO rebar in the pilings! Just some wire mesh.

They built 13 stories on grade, with no basement, and tied it all down to hollow pilings with no reinforcements.

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Ingenious Way to Stimulate Supermarket Sales

Thanks to Bill S.

Sense of Freshness....

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Topeka , KS .

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Religious cartoon humour

Thanks to Vicar Ray M.

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