3.4 social conflicts
Living together makes happiness possible. A person living in a happy family and surrounded by many good friends is surely a happy person. But living together may also be the source of conflicts, disputes and unhappiness. In the previous section, we have presented the notion of virtue.
Virtues are habits that make our social life better. If we are trained in the right habits, we will probably solve our conflicts more easily. In this section, we will add a second set of tools for making our social life easier: social skills.
Exercise 4.1: social conflicts
1. The civic education teacher asks his students to make posters for the anniversary of the Human Rights Declaration. He has a very specific idea in mind, but he does not spend too much time explaining it to his students. As they start their posters, he criticizes every aspect that is not exactly as he wants it.
What is most probable outcome of this situation? Will the posters come out right? Will the students and the teacher enjoy the task?
What is the source of the difficulties? Which good social habits (virtues) would help?
2. Marta is using her mobile phone in the civic education class. Her teacher sees that and asks her to hand him her phone. Firstly, Marta denies that she was using her phone and then, she refuses to hand him her phone. The teacher will not let Marta get away with her fault and asks her again to hand him her phone.
What is most probable outcome of this situation if the conflict escalates?
What is the source of the conflict? Which good social habits (virtues) would help?
3. Pedro and his next door neighbor both have dogs. But the dogs have terrible fights every time they see each other in the park. Pedro asks his neighbor to walk his dog at other times of the day or to go to another park. The neighbor replies that Pedro should change his habits, not him. They do not reach any agreement and the fights continue.
What is most probable outcome of this situation if the conflict persists?
What is the source of the conflict? Which good social habits (virtues) would help?
4. Juan is completing his poster but needs a couple of scissors for that. However, he has forgotten both at home. Fearing that her classmate will not lend him her scissors, he takes them without permission but he is caught.
What is most probable outcome of this situation?
What is the source of the conflict? Which good social habits (virtues) would help?
Social skills
As we have seen in the previous exercise, social conflicts may start as minor problems but:
They can intensify and become more serious disputes.
They can persist in time, becoming the source of tension and unfriendliness.
We need to solve our conflicts with other people as soon as possible, so they do not become the source of major problems. Most of the times, conflicts arise from communication failures such as:
We do not clearly say what we want.
We do not listen to what other people is telling us.
We misinterpret the intentions of other people.
We do not dare to say what we have to say.
If communication is so important, it is clear that we need to learn and practice specific social skills that help us to communicate better.
Knowing how to say "no"
Saying "no" to other people is a potential source of conflict. The other person may easily become frustrated, sad or angry. If we care for the feelings of the other person, we may be tempted to say "yes" to its requests just to avoid its frustration or sadness. If we fear the reaction of the other person, we may be tempted to say "yes" to its requests just to avoid its anger. On the other hand, we should not say "yes" to anything we do not want or we do not like to do.
So, How to say no to other people without provoking a conflict?
Explain your motives for saying no. In particular, explain to the other person that you are not trying to offend or hurt her with your answer. Also make it clear that you denial does not arise from selfishness or any negative feeling towards him or her.
Use kind words. Avoid a harsh tone of voice and a simple "no". Again, explain that your negative arises from your personal beliefs and preferences.
Asking for a favor
Asking for a favor is another potential source of conflict. Sometimes, people do not ask for a favor and instead take whatever they need without asking for permission. They may do that because they are afraid the other person will not do the favor. Or because they are too proud to ask for help.
Other times, the conflict arises because of the way we ask for a favor. Instead of asking with kind words, making it clear that we are asking for help and will be grateful if the other person helps us, we use harsh words and almost command the other person to do what we want.
Finally, some other times the conflict arises when we are unable to accept that the other person rejects to do us the favor. We fail to understand that the other person has no obligation; remember, it is a favor.
So, How to ask for a favor?
Ask the favor. Do not take what you need without permission.
Use kind words when asking the favor. Explain your needs and the reason you are asking the favor to that particular person.
Tell the other person that you would be very grateful if he or she does you the favor. And say thank you.
Be prepared for a negative answer. None is obliged to do you a favor, so you should accept that sometimes people can not do favors and it does not mean that they hate you or that they want to hurt or offend you.
Reaching a compromise
When our interests are opposed to the interests of other people, there is a conflict of interests. It is perfectly normal that each of us want different things. It is also quite common that when we try to obtain what we want, we interfere with the efforts of other people trying to get what they want. In these situations, we need to reach an equilibrium between our desires and the desires of other people. We need to reach a compromise between the conflicting interests of all the people involved.
So, How to reach a compromise?
First of all, be sure that there is really a conflict of interests. Sometimes, after a bit of communication, we realize that our interests are not opposites but complementary.
Examine your interests in detail. Prepare yourself for negotiate with those interests that are not so important in exchange of getting what you is really important for you.
Before the final agreement, ask yourself if you are really happy with it. Otherwise, sooner or later you are going to break the agreement and the other part will be mad at you.
Apologizing
Sometimes things do not turn out the way we intended and somebody gets hurt or negatively affected. Consequently, our relationship with this person is in danger, and it may be irreversible damaged if we do nothing. Apologizing is the socially accepted way of fixing a mistake that has affected negatively our relationship with other people.
Given that we all make mistakes sooner or later, not apologizing properly or not apologizing at all puts your relationships in serious danger.
So, How to apologize?
Apologize as soon as possible. If possible, apologize at the very moment you made the mistake. If you let time pass, it will be harder for you to apologize and therefore the relationship will deteriorate more.
Admit your responsibility. Do not try to transfer the responsibility of the problem to the other person: it was your fault.
Be sincere. An insincere apology may be worse than not apologizing at all.
If your mistake damaged the property of the other person or caused any economic damage, a compensation should be part of the apology.
Exercise 4.2: social skills
Practice in pairs. Choose one of the previous social skills and imagine a situation where that skill is needed.
First, describe a situation where the chosen social skill is needed.
Secondly, write two dialogues. In one of them, the social skill is badly performed while in the other is correctly performed.
Social skill chosen: ____________________________________________________________________
Situation where that skill is needed: __________________________________________________
Exercise 4.3. create a small Comic
Create a small comic strip with at least three scenes (three pictures or drawings):
In the first scene, present a conflict between two people. You can draw more than one scene for presenting the conflict more clearly.
In the second scene appears a third character, the moderator. He or she proposes a solution to the conflict. Again, you can draw the solution in more than one picture.
In the third scene, the two people adapt and accept the solution and solve their conflict. You can present the acceptance of both parties with as many drawings as you consider.