Sunday Family Humour 9th May 2010 Page 4
Sunday Family Humour 9th May 2010 Page 4
Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
A very special thank you to all contributors.
Just a bit of humour
Thanks to Tony
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards"
They don't have any other levels.
This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".
The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."
Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".
Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath).
New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate".
Three more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey!',
"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend"
and "The barbie is canceled".
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Take care mate
Rain
Thanks to Blain
When Elephants Retire
Thanks to Ray M.
Starling at the car wash
Thanks to Ray M.
A true story
Bill owns a company that manufactures and installs car wash systems.
Bill's company installed a car wash system in Frederick , Md.
Now, understand that these are complete systems, including the money changer and money taking machines.
The problem started when the new owner complained to Bill that he was losing significant amounts of money from his coin machines each week.
He went as far as to accuse Bill's employees of having a key to the boxes and ripping him off…
Bill just couldn't believe that his people would do that, so they set up a camera to catch the thief in action.
Well, they did catch him on film!
That's a bird sitting on the change slot of the machine.
The bird had to go down into the machine, and back up inside to get to the money!
That's three quarters he has in his beak! Another amazing thing is that it was not just one bird -- there were several working together. Once they identified the thieves, they found over $4000 in quarters on the roof of the car wash and more under a nearby tree.
And you thought you heard of everything by now!! !!
And to think the phrase 'bird brain' is associated with being dumb. Not these birds.
Don't Judge Too Soon
Thanks to Gary
Have You Smiled Today
Thanks to Ray O'
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or 'We don't need no stinking light bulb.'
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
'How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?'
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!
WHY GOD MADE PETS
They help out around the house...
They protect our children...
They look out for the smaller ones...
They show us how to relax...
They 'converse' with each other.
They help you when you're down...
They are great at decorating for the Holidays.
They have 'great' expectations.
They are happy to 'test' the water.
They love their 'teddies'
AND - They know when we need a good LAUGH!
Why Our Great-Grandparents were Happier Than We Are...
Thanks to Tony
Happier? Not Bloody Likely!!! Superstitious, Fearful, Racist Sexist, Chauvinist, no wonder they drugged themselves!!!
TVH.
Bayers Heroin
A bottle of Bayer's heroin. Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine. It was also used to treat children with strong cough.
Coca Wine, anyone?
Metcalf Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with cocaine on the market. Everybody used to say that it would make you happy and it would also work as a medicinal treatment.
Mariani wine
Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of it's time. Pope Leo XIII used to carry one bottle with him all the time. He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal.
Maltine
Produced byMaltine Manufacturing CompanyofNewYork. It was suggested that you should take a full glass with or after every meal... Children should take half a glass.
A paper weight:
A paper weight promoting C.F. Boehringer & Soehne ( Mannheim , Germany ). They were proud of being the biggest producers in the world of products containing Quinine and Cocaine.
Opium for Asthma:
No comments.
Cocaine tablets (1900)
All stage actors, singers teachers andpreachers had tohave them for a maximum performance. Great to "smooth" the voice.
Cocaine drops for toothache
Very popular for children in 1885. Not only did they relieve the pain, they made the children happy!
Opium for new-borns
I'm sure this would make them sleep well (not only the Opium, but 46% alcohol!)
No wonder they were called The Good Old Days!