Sunday Family Humour 16th May

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A very special thank you to all contributors.

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Thanks to Blain

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY,

AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR...

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4.. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6.. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,

"WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19.. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22.. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23.. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25.. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33.. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD

Curiosities

Thanks to Tony

Cell Phone Etiquette

Thanks to Gary

The Irish Halfwit

Thanks to Ray O'

A man owned a small farm in Ireland.

The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!" demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm-hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

"Then there's the halfwit.

He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.

He makes about $10 a week.

He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night.

He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...the halfwit!" said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

Iceland, Volcano

Thanks to Tony

Gunfight

Thanks to Tony

Jewish Humour

Thanks to Ray O'

1. A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi. ''Sam and Max are both in love with me,'' she says.

''Who will be the lucky one?''

The wise old Rabbi answers, "Sam will marry you. Max will be the lucky one!"

2. If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion, without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong????

3. My father said, "Marry a girl who has the same belief in you as your family."

I said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?"

4. Jewish Marriage advice "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you.

Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?"

5. Morris, went to his rabbi for some needed advice.

"Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes?"

"No , Morris, a man should not profit from another man mistakes", answered the rabbi.

"Are you sure Rabbi?"

"Of course, I'm sure, in fact I'm positive" exclaimed the Rabbi.

"OK , Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?"

6. The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."

The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

7. Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."

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