Sunday Family Humour 21st March 2010 Page 2
Sunday Family Humour 21st March 2010 Page 2
Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
A very special thank you to all contributors.
Nag, Nag, Nag
Thanks to Lee
An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his
old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing,
his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the
shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately,
his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden,
the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the
back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he
would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a
man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake
his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer
about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer,
and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but
always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod
my head in agreement.'
'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'
Flying from Melbourne to Brisbane
Thanks to Ray M.
A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane.
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney along the way.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Guide Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her,
and calling her by name, said,
'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'
The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Guide dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story... Have a great day and remember...
....THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER! IS A DAY WASTED!!!
Speed Bump
Thanks to Mark, Laos
Nothing is wasted in China
Thanks to Ray M.
The Aisle Seat
Thanks to Lee
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...
Just before take-off, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After take-off, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in
the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine’s shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing,
the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors...
'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and
peeing in cokes?'
THE FEW.
THE PROUD.
THE MARINES.
Trivia
Thanks to Ray M.
You didn`t know all these things.
You will be so smart after you read this!
Stewardesses'
is the longest word
typed with only the left hand.
---###---
And 'lollipop'
is the longest word typed
with your right hand.
(Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)
---###---
No word in the English language rhymes with
month , orange, silver, or purple.
---###---
' Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
(Are you doubting this?)
---###---
our eyes
are always the same size from birth,
but our nose
and ears
never stop growing.
---###---
The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog'
uses every letter of the alphabet.
(Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)
---###---
The words 'racecar,
'kayak and 'level'
are the same whether they are read left to right
or right to left (palindromes).
(Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.)
---###---
There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous':
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
(You're not possibly doubting this, are you ?)
---###---
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order:
'abstemious' and 'facetious.'
(Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)
---###---
TYPEWRITER
is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
(All you typists are going to test this out)
---###---
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
---###---
A goldfish
has a memory span of three seconds .
(Some days that's about what my memory span is.)
---###---
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
---###---
A shark
is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
---###---
A snail
can sleep for three years.
(I know some people that could do this too.!)
---###---
---###---
Babies
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
---###---
An ostrich's eye
is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also . Actually I know A LOT of people like this!)
are born without kneecaps.
They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
---###---
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
---###---
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
---###---
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast,
the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
---###---
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors
---###---
Peanuts
are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
---###---
Rubber bands
last longer when refrigerated.
---###---
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
---###---
The cruise liner, QE 2,
moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel.
---###---
The microwave
was invented
after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Good thing he did that.)
---###---
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls
froze completely solid .
---###---
There are more chickens
than people in the world.
---###---
Winston Churchill
was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
---###---
Women blink
nearly twice as much as men.
---###---
Now you know more than you did before!!
On a group of beautiful deserted islands
Thanks to Tony
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere,
the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean,
and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry,
and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the Swedish woman keeps endlessly complaining about:
her body;
the true nature of feminism;
how she can do everything they can do;
the necessity of fulfilment;
the equal division of household chores;
how sand and palm trees make her look fat;
how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do;
how her relationship with her mother is improving and
how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery.
They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy
after the first few litres of coconut whisky.
But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.