Sunday Family Humour 22nd August

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A very special thank you to all contributors.

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Life in the Australian Army...

Thanks to Tony

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you who don't know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland).

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than

workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.

No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes.

You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why.

The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!

All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even

load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at

home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6ft 5 and 15 stone and 3 pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody

good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan.

An Airline With a Sense of Humour

Thanks to Tony

(Be sure to read the comments of flight attendants and crew.)

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.

Check out their new livery!

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .

Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety

lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real

examples that have been heard or reported:

--------------------------------------------------------------------

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you sit where you want)

passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a

flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out

furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot

said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be

turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance

the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your

belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

something we'd like to have."

----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out

of this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business

as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone

voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

---o0o---

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a

flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening

the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as

hell everything has shifted."

---o0o---

From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth .

To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and

pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't

know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend

from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your

face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask

before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one

small child, pick your favourite."

---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but

we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,

nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o---

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an

emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our

compliments."

---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight

attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is

pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in

the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---o0o---

On Kulula flight 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town, the

flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump

and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the

airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight

attendant's fault. It was the asphalt."

---o0o---

On a Kulula flight into Cape Town on a particularly windy and

bumpy day, during the final approach the Captain really had to fight

it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies

and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats

with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our

airplane to the gate!"

---o0o---

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to

the terminal."

---o0o---

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered

his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which

required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers

exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said

that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the

passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking

with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,

"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

---o0o---

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on

with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain

Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt

against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning

bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way

through the wreckage to the terminal.."

---o0o---

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank

you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the

insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal

tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

---o0o---

Heard on a Kulula flight: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,

the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light

'em, you can smoke 'em."

---o0o---

Special Moments

Thanks to Tony

To my special friends......

Thanks to Cindy

Life on a train

Thanks to Ray M.

Singles ad

Thanks to Tony

Single Black Female

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... Call (404) 875-6420 (404) 875-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....

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Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.

If you don't pass this along, Something is the matter with you!

The World's Largest Everything

Thanks to Tony

More on Page 2

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