Sunday Family Humour 29th August Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A very special thank you to all contributors.

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We require surprisingly little income to continue and improve our various services.

Your help would be much appreciated - even $5 goes a long way.

Thanks

David

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Thanks to Alex

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

And as someone recently told me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."

USS Montana Stand-off

Thanks to Ray M.

The Strangest Roads

Thanks to Kara

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus..

4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.

At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.

At age 50 success is . . . Having money..

At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.

At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;

BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*

Take the time to live!!!

Life is too short.

Whoo-hoo!

Men and their Toys

Thanks to Ray O'

Pilot Philosophy

Thanks to David H.

The difference between a duck and a co-pilot?

The duck can fly.

A check ride ought to be like a skirt.

Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life. Altitude is life insurance.

It only takes two things to fly:

Airspeed, and money.

The three most dangerous things in aviation:

1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.

2. Two captains in a DC-9.

Aircraft Identification:

If it's ugly, it's British.

If it's weird, it's French.

If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club.

The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?

If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.

If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

New FAA motto:

'We're not happy, till you're not happy.'

I give that landing a 9 . .on the Richter scale.

Basic Flying Rules:

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.

2. Do not go near the edges of it.

3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly in the edges

Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt:

"You've got to land here son. This is where the food is."

The three best things in life are:

A good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement.

A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.