Sunday Family Humour 28th February 2010 Page 5

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A very special thank you to all contributors.

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Home Hardware

Thanks to Tony

"Hi Mum, How are you?"

"Hi Son, where are you ? I thought you were with your father at Home Hardware."

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call."

What happened ?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth ......... why did you do that ???"

"Well it wasn't my fault.

Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

The Most Beautiful River In The World

Thanks to Tony H.

The river shown in the photographs is the Caño Cristales, which is located near the town of La Macarena in Columbia, South America. The river, world famous for its colorful display, has been called "the river that ran away to paradise", "the most beautiful river in the world" and "the river of five colors.

During a brief span between wet and dry seasons, when the water level is just right, the many varieties of algae and moss bloom in a dazzling display of colors. Without any roads leading to this river, it must be accessed by horse.

TO CALL THE POLICE

Thanks to Tony H.

WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANY MORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian , Mississippi , was

going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in

the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light,

but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should

lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.

Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT!

Don't mess with old people.

What a Trike

Thanks to Tony

This "Trike" owned by a Vet, on display at a car show, check the power plant he used.

The work that went into the paint job is priceless.

Puns and Groaners

Thanks to Jane MacR

1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, It will still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Alaskan Job vacancy

Thanks to Bill S.

Position: Surveyor

Salary: $200 per hour (tax-free)

Requirements: Must be fast on your feet!

Medical Benefits: None

Retirement: Unlikely

Isn't it comforting to know that when you are about to become a bear's

breakfast your buddy is standing there taking photos?

5 Videos on Men's Tools

Thanks to Mark G.

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See You Next Week

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