Sunday Family Humour 3rd October 2010

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A very special thank you to all contributors

NO Speak English

Thanks to Larry

A Polish woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever after in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)

br>

What were you

thinking? Her husband speaks English!

Why the pay is good for lighthouse keepers

Thanks to Gary

Bottle of wine

Thanks to Blain

(Women will LOVE this one!)

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women d

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be amsign from God!

But you're still at fault...

women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues,

'And look at this, here's another miracle.

My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle

and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:

omen are clever, evil bitches.

Don't mess with them.

Life from a different angle

Thanks to Lee

Lowclouds over a volcano

Life, at a little different angle

"on a clear day" wonder what you would see?

Luminescence is beautiful. color is an amazing gift!

It's so nice to have friends!

So peaceful! Theworld going to sleep.

interesting patterns. What does it feel like to be totally alone??

world awakens. Notice that the bird's color and the rainbow match??

I want to live here

Do you have them in something smaller?

Ring around the rosie

Sharp eyes, sharp ears....Dinner???

Niagara Falls at night.

Cat nap anyone? beats a Beauty

rest anyday.

How Majestic! Don't you wonder what our pioneers must have thought??

How breathtaking!!

Hope you remembered to fill the tank!

A great opportunity for exercising your imagination, in the clouds as well as road side!! Love it!!

Winter in the Smokies. They really do look like this, a lot!

Slippery when wet!

Winter shows off her silver lining! Beautiful!

WoW!!! A dandelion covered with dew. Love it!!

Come on!! Put 'em up, go on, put 'em up !!

Life Is SO Good!!!!!

Gods creations are awesome!

Kung Fu Shoe Laces

Thanks to Tony H.

Stay Young My Friend

Thanks to Janet B.

We all need to read this one over and over until it becomes part of who we are!

;

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Try everything twice.

On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph:

"Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!"

2. Keep only cheerful friends.

The grouches pull you down.

(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)

3. Keep learning:

Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever...

Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.'

And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud.

Laugh until you gasp for breath.

And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,

spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.

6.. The tears happen:

Endure, grieve, and move on.

The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.

LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love:

Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever..

Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:

If it is good, preserve it.

If it is unstable, improve it.

If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips..

Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county,

to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

I love you, my special friend.

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance..

And if you don't send this to at least 4 people - who cares?

But do share this with someone.

Remember! Lost time can never be found.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Wine does not make you FAT ...

- it makes you LEAN ....

(Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.)

The Washington Post

Thanks to Ray

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.