Sunday Family Humour 30th May

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour,

A very special thank you to all contributors.

Four Jokes from Ray M.

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

WHEN YOU'RE OLD

AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANY MORE.

Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy.

You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.

Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson`s' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT!

Don't mess with old people

A Plug

The Flying Snail.com

Gypos, don'tcha just love 'em?

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying;

'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says; 'We are over quota on Pikeys.

Go back to the gates and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy and I will let a dozen in.

Less than a minute later, St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the gates!!'

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,

when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed

the girl a £5.00 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put

a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,

'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,

'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said:

'Next year tell Santa;

The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States.

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical support

Octoberfest 2009

Thanks to Lee

Note the big jugs

Google Presentation

Behind every child

there is a great parent

Thanks to Tony

Howard's Drum Show

Thanks to Tony

A four year old Thai drummer

The Iraqi footballer

Thanks to Tony

The Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez, flies to Bagdad to watch a young Iraqi play football,

and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester Utd with only 20 minutes left to play.

The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool .

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says

'I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won, Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum,

'Let me tell you about my day.

Your father got shot in the street and robbed;

your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten

and your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such a great time playing bloody football.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'

'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' shrieks his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place."

A New Mobile Phone

Thanks to Ray O'

Well I never

Thanks to Tony

Police in Rochdale, Lancashire have just announced the discovery of an arms cache consisting of 200 semi automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles and 4 grenade launchers.

Also in the seizure were 2 tonnes of heroin together with £200,000 in forged banknotes.

Police also found 25 trafficked Vietnamese prostitutes.

All of these were found in a semi- detached house behind the Public Library in Rochdale.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said: "We're absolutely shocked. We never knew we had a library in Rochdale!!"