Sunday Family Humour 28th February 2010

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A very special thank you to all contributors.

Famous Quotations

Thanks to Ray O'

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Lee Majors

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After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Al Gore

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By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

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Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Mike Tyson

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The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

George Clooney

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I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Bill Clinton

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"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

George W. Bush

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"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Rudy Giuliani

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"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

Michael Jordan

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"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!

Donald Trump

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Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Shaquille O’Neal

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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Kobe Bryant

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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

David Hasselhoff

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Alec Baldwin

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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Barack Obama

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Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Tommy Lee

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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Brad Pitt

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First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Jimmy Kimmel

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“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!”

David Letterman

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“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes Suffer...ing!

Jay Leno

Dog Logic

Thanks to Lee

Dog

Logic

The reason a dog has so many friends is that

he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

-Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth

that loves you more than he loves himself.

-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person

than the average person.

-Andy Rooney

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like

never washed a dog.

- Franklin

P. Jones

My dog is worried about the economy

because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.

That's almost $21.00 in dog money.

-Joe Weinstein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,

he will not bite you;

that is the principal difference

between a dog and a man.

-Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life,

but they make our lives whole.

-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count,

try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket

and then give him only two of them.

-Phil Pastoret

ï¿½

The Magic of Cyril

Thanks to Ray M.

Kissing Test

Thanks to Tony H

Bridges

Thanks to Ray O'

Kintaikyo, Iwakuni , Japan

The original Kintai Bridge was built in 1673 but collapsed due to flooding. The rebuilt bridge survived for more than 200 years until a typhoon destroyed it in 1950. The bridge that stands now over the Nishiki River has five wooden arches displaying an incredible amount of detail and craftmanship. Interesting fact: no nails or bolts have been used to build the arches, only clamps and wires..

Juscelino Kubitschek Bridge , Brasilia , Brazil

The JK Bridge in Brasilia is a lesson in elegant bridge design. The three huge diagonal arches over the deck of the bridge give the structure an amazing visual fluidity.

Rolling Bridge, London , UK

Thomas Heatherwick's award-winning rolling bridge is an ingenious addition to the grand union canal system in London and is unique. Unlike regular movable canal bridges, the rolling bridge curls up to form an octagon by way of hydraulic jacks to let ships pass.

Beipanjiang River Railroad Bridge, Guizhou , China

Beipanjiang River Railroad Bridge in Guizhou is an enormous railway bridge that was built as part of the 'Guizhou-Shuibai Railway Project'. Connecting two mountains over a deep ravine, at its highest point the bridge's deck sits 918 ft above the ground. Parenthetically the bridge connects two of the country's poorest areas.

Henderson Waves, Southern Ridges, Singapore

'Henderson Waves' is Singapore 's highest pedestrian bridge and is at the 'Southern Ridges,' a beautiful 9 km (six miles) stretch of gardens and parks. The deck of the bridge is made from thousands of Balau wood slats, perfectly cut and arranged, and along the length of the deck a snaking, undulating shell forms sheltered seating areas on every upward curve.

Pont Gustave Flaubert, Rouen , France

This incredible vertical lift bridge is in Rouen , France , whose spans weigh 1,200 tons each but can be hoisted 180 ft vertically in an impressive 12 minutes. The angular lift structures at the top of each tower weigh 450 tons each. The huge vertical lift allows even the largest cruise liners to sail through.

Hegigio Gorge Pipeline Bridge , Southern Highlands Province , Papua New Guinea

This bridge supports two pipelines; one gas, the other oil, across the extremely deep gap in Papua New Guinea . If this were to be officially recognized as a vehicular or pedestrian bridge it would rocket to the top of the 'world's highest bridge-span' with the pipelines at an impressive height of 1,290 ft above the bottom of the gorge. By comparison, the current highest bridge span belongs to the Royal Gorge Bridge in Colorado , hanging a mere 1,053 ft above ground level.

Political Correctness

Thanks to Mark E.

There is an annual contest at Melbourne University calling for the

most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term was:

"Political Correctness"

The winner wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional,

illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream

media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible

to pick up a turd by the clean end."

Flying Show

Thanks to DH