Sunday Family Humour 29th August

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A very special thank you to all contributors.

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We require surprisingly little income to continue and improve our various services.

Your help would be much appreciated - even $5 goes a long way.

Thanks

David

Polish divorce

Thanks to Ray O

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce. for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,

and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.

Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

SHE IS GOING TO POISON ME !!!!

She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read English pretty good, and it say:

~~~Polish Remover~~~

The Wishing Well

Thanks to Ray O'

For all Benny Hill fans

President of the U.S. 2012

Thanks to Paul S.

I think everyone will vote for Maxine

Here we are, already discussing the future President of the United States , beginning with the Year 2012.

For those of you who would like THE VERY BEST choice for President, we have a solution:

It is probably time we have a woman as President.

One choice is a very special lady who has just about every answer to assist in helping us to solve our problems.

PLEASE give this a thought when you have a moment...

MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!

>Very eloquently put...........don't you think?

Maxine on "Driver Safety"

"I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......

Maxine on "Lawn Care"

"The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on "The Perfect Man"

"All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away.

Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

Maxine on "Technology Revolution"

"My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

Maxine on "Aging"

"Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

"I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."

"The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals ."

"The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."

"To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely."

"Do you realize that in about forty years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?" (Now that's scary!)

"Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."

"After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead.."

Groaners

Thanks to Ray O'

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it". "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied,

"When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire .... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded,

"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.

One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more.

On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.

Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.

Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses.

The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression ...

"He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.

A spokesperson was quoted as saying,

"We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.

After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.

The chief shrugged and said,

"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.

His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying,

"I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian squaws.

One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.

All three became pregnant.

The first two each had a baby boy.

The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This just goes to prove that ...

the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said,

"Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

HELP!!! Someone dial 911, I'm being mauled by a troll!

'I swear a big Doberman busted in and just tore the place up....'

How to tell when its time to make your kids sleep in their own bed....

'Ahhh, the fresh, relaxing aroma of feet.......'???

'Harlem Globetrotters here I come...'

Par-tay, Par-tay, Par-tay!

'Uh, cat? What cat?'

There's no explaining Love.

'HELLOOOO' CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW??

Peace Brother!!!

'Hi! Will you be my friends?!'

Mad Skills....

If you need assistance smiling, there's always help!

Life =is short!

Break the rules!

Forgive quickly!

Kiss slowly!

Love truly,

Laugh uncontrollably. . .

And never regret anything

that made you smile!

Great Golf Musings

Thanks to Paul S.

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.

~ Sam Snead

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.

~ George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.

~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.

~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.

~ Kevin Costner

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.

~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.

~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.

~ Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it.

~ Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.

~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

~ Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.

~ Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.

~ Jack Nicklaus

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.

~ H G Wells

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.

~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

~ Bob Hope

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

~ Henny Youngman

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

~ Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

~ Lee Trevino

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

~ Lee Trevino

Sculptures of Native American scenes

made out of paper by Allen and Patty Eckman

Thanks to Paul S.

Husband and wife team Allen and Patty Eckman put paper pulp into clay moulds and pressurise it to remove the water

The hard, lightweight pieces are then removed and the couple painstakingly add detailed finishings with a wide range of tools

They have been making the creations since 1987 at their home studio, in South Dakota, America, and have racked up a

whopping $3 million selling the works of art

The pieces depict traditional scenes from Native American history of Cherokees hunting and dancing

The most expensive piece is called Prairie Edge Powwow which sold for $47,000

Allen said: "We create Indians partly because my great, great grandmother was a Cherokee

and my family on both sides admire the native Americans...

I work on the men and animals and Patty does the women and children" explains Allen

"I enjoy most doing the detail. The paper really lends itself to unlimited detail. I'm really interested in the Indians' material, physical and spiritual culture and that whole period of our nation's history I find fascinating. From the western expansion, through the Civil War and beyond is of great interest to me."

Allen explained their technique: "It should not be confused with papier mache. The two mediums are completely different. I call

what we do 'cast paper sculpture'"

..."Some of them we create are lifesize and some we scale down to 1/6 lifesize"

"These sculptures are posed as standing nude figures and limited detailed animals with no ears, tails or hair"

An Indian mother holding her baby is a favourite of many clients

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