Sunday Family Humour 23rd May Page 2
Sunday Family Humour 23rd May Page 2
Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
A very special thank you to all contributors.
Spaghetti
Thanks to Mark, Laos
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted..
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
25 of Jeremy Clarkson Car Quotes
Thanks to Tony
“I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.”
[On the Porsche Boxster]
“It couldn’t pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.”
[When driving the Mercedes SLR McLaren through a tunnel]
“When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire.
But the German engineers from Mercedes said ‘Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!’
They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.”
“I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.
If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.”
“Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… that’s what gets you.”
“Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable.
More comfortable than what… being stabbed?”
[On Detroit ]
“God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.”
“Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.”
[On the Renault Clio V6]
“I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”
[On the Enzo Ferrari]
“I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.”
[On the Porsche Cayenne]
“I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”
“The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”
“Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.”
“If you were to buy a BMW 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.”
“That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.”
[On a Chevrolet Corvette]
“The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”
[On the Alfa Romeo Brera]
“Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste.
But you would, wouldn’t you?”
“A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.”
“This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!’”
“In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.”
[On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG]
“It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”
“I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.”
“Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.”
“Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels.
You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.”
“I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”
I Fixed It
Thanks to Tony
Some new fixes, demonstrating the ingenuity of man!
A team building video
Thanks to David H.
When Drunk
Thanks to Ray O'
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3 . Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance,
I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in
this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning
The Creation of an Island
Thanks to Tony
A yacht was travelling in the south Pacific when the
crew came across a weird sight. Look at these
photos and try to imagine the thrill of experiencing
this phenomenon.
A BEACH?
NO! ... This is not a beach;
it is volcanic stones floating on the water.
WHERE IS THE VOLCANO?
UNBELIEVEABLE SITE SO TAKE PICTURES
NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE IT
THE WAKE OF MY SHIP
STAY ON THE EDGE OF THE WATER
then this was spotted, ash & steam rising from the ocean…
And, while WE were watching...
A plume of black ash...HUGE CLOUD.
COVERING RED EVEN THIS FAR AWAY
THEN THE SKY TURNS BLACK WITH ASH
AND THE OCEAN GOLD WITH SUNS REFLECTION
OUT OF THE OCEAN MOUNTAIN PEAKS ARISE?
MORE ERUPTIONS ASH AND CLOUDS
THE MOUNTAIN PEAKS RISE HIGHER WITHIN MINUTES
A brand new island formed...
CREATION OF MOUNTAINS
Can you imagine the thrill of being the first & only
people to see a new island being created where there
was nothing before?
George Carlin's Philosophy for Old Age
With some awesome pictures
Thanks to Lee