Sunday Family Humour 20th June Page 3
Sunday Family Humour 20th June Page 3
Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
A very special thank you to all contributors.
Derivatives Made Simple
Thanks to Ray O'
'an explanation of how we got to where we are'
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit . She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.
Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans). Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit .
By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets.
Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.
One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.
Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.
Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community. The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.
Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from their cronies in Government.. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.
Now do you understand?
An Old Commercial
Thanks to Ray O'
They don't make 'em like this any more
Ajanta Caves
Thanks to Paul S.
More of the electorate
Thanks to Ray O'.
Oh yes...........they are BACK......just as gruesome.
Why do I have a feeling Jim Henson is behind her working her arms?
And I’m sure she is super pumped that you are letting everyone know that. However, I am curious if the carpet matches the rastafarian-style drapes.
I’ve heard of junk in the trunk, but I wish you would pack it into an SUV instead of a Geo Metro.
Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin saying Aaaaaaarrrrrrgghhh, ahoy there me hearties before a rousing round of slitting throats……or pick up some Friskies.
Taking “Tighty Whitey” to a whole new level ain’t ‘cha? I can’t really say I’m a fan and I’m not even going to bring up Labor Day…
I was not aware that barbers were still using the salad bowl as a styling instrument OR maybe she just happens to be a pee wee soccer player from1992.
Your first move should be checking that backpack for a pair of underwear. If there are none in there, well you’re at a store that sells underwear. Problem solved. I would move on to pants but I don’t want to get too far ahead for you, and it seems like if there is more than one thing going on you get confused and lose concentration.
I ‘wonder’ if she can tie ‘em in a knot or tie ‘em in a bow, because unfortunately I already know they wobble to an fro’.
Sometimes you have to go deep undercover. How do you think the queen of all homemakers Martha Stewart got caught?
Why are all these guys following me everywhere?
Oh!! It looks like Pirates of the Caribbean went horribly, horribly wrong! Not even close to a treasure! No to the Booty! Just take what you want and leave us all alone!
If Mary here asks if you want to see the “little lamb”….just run. ………………………… FAST!!!!!!!
Why Everyone Should Have a Dog
Thanks to Ray M.
Unusual Planes
Thanks to Tony
What a dog
Thanks to Lee
Thought everyone should know about this dog and his story.
Especially like the ending ......
A Pet'sTen Commandments..........
Be sure to read them too.
The K9 above is Brutus, a military K9 at McChord.
He's huge - part Boxer and part British Bull Mastiff and tops the scales at 200 lbs. His handler took the picture. Brutus is running toward me because he knows I have some Milk Bone treats, so he's slobbering away! I had to duck around a tree just before he got to me in case he couldn't stop, but he did. Brutus won the Congressional Medal of Honor last year from his tour in Iraq .. His handler and four other soldiers were taken hostage by insurgents. Brutus and his handler communicate by sign language and he gave Brutus the signal that meant 'go away but come back and find me'. The Iraqis paid no attention to Brutus. He came back later and quietly tore the throat out of one guard at one door and another guard at another door. He then jumped against one of the doors repeatedly (the guys were being held in an old warehouse) until it opened. He went in and untied his handler and they all escaped. He's the first K9 to receive this honor. If he knows you're ok, he's a big old lug and wants to sit in your lap. Enjoys the company of cats.
K-9 Congressional Medal of Honor Winner
Thought you'd find this interesting.
Talk about animal intelligence and bonding with humans!
A PET'S TEN COMMANDMENTS.........
1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful.
2.. Give me time to understand what you want of me
3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.
4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only you.
5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me.
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.
7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose not to bite you..
8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.
9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.
10. On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can't bear to watch. Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so.
~Take a moment today to thank God for your pets.. Enjoy and take good care of them.
Life would be a much duller, less joyful experience without God's critters.
~Now please pass this on to other pet owners. We do not have to wait for Heaven, to be surrounded by hope, love, and joyfulness. It is here on earth and has four legs!