Sunday Family Humour 22nd August Page 2
Sunday Family Humour 22nd August Page 2
Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
A very special thank you to all contributors.
A cowboy
Thanks to Ray M.
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Japanese Azelias
Thanks to Paul S.
Domestic Tips
Thanks to Ray M.
Ants Problem : Ants hate cucumbers. Keep the skin of cucumbers near the place or ant hole.
To get pure and clean ice : Boil water first before freezing.
To make the mirror shine : Clean with spirit
To remove chewing gum from clothes : Keep the cloth in the freezer for an hour.
To whiten white clothes : Soak white clothes in hot water with a slice of lemon for 10 minutes
To give a shine to hair : Add one teaspoon of vinegar to hair, then wash hair.
To get maximum juice out of lemons : Soak lemons in hot water for one hour, and then juice them.
To avoid smell of cabbage while cooking : Keep a piece of bread on the cabbage in the vessel while cooking.
To avoid tears while cutting onions : Chew gum.
To boil potatoes quickly : Skin one potato from one side only before boiling.
To remove ink from clothes : Put toothpaste on the ink spots generously and let it dry completely, then wash.
To skin sweet potatoes quickly : Soak in cold water immediately after boiling.
To get rid of mice or rats : sprinkle black pepper in places where you find mice or rats. They will run away.
Chinese Proverb:
'When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to share it with others. So..., DO as I have done!
"Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it"
"Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again..."Enjoy every moment of life.
How was I born?
Thanks to Ray M.
Daddy , how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll down...You'll love this...
'You got Male!
Do you remember…?
Thanks to Ray M.
Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite 'fast food' when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously.. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'home,'' I explained. !
'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'
By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I'd figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore jeans, set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the country or had a credit card.
My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 10 pm, after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people....
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --My brother delivered a newspaper, seven days a week. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.
Film stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the films. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or almost anything offensive.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it... I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Headlight dip-switches on the floor of the car.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
There were two postal deliveries per day.
Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
The street lights were turned off at about 11pm each night.
Soldering irons you heated on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn indicators.
Corona drink ( Cherryade) was delivered in glass bottles by lorry each week, and the empties returned.
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Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.
1. Sweet cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning.. (There were only 2 channels [if you were fortunate])
7. Peashooters
8. 33 rpm records
9. 78 RPM records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with levers
12. Blue flashbulb
13. Cork popguns
14. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 11-14 = You're positively ancient!
I must be 'positively ancient' but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.
Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends....I just did!!!!!!!!!
(PS. I used a large type face so you could read it easily)
Top 10 Country Songs of All Time:
Thanks to Mark G.
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me
7. I’ve Missed You, But My Aim’s Improvin’
6. Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight ‘Cause I’m Scared She’d Win
5. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She’s Lookin’ Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is…
1. It’s Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
Photos of the past
Thanks to Ray O'