Embedded Files
I thought it'd be all right if I picked a lil fight. ~BONANZA~! I grew up with Michael Landon as an angel and a pioneer all my life. This is obviously showing my age since most kids these days don't even know Highway to Heaven or Bonanza.
Then I remembered seeing him with fake fur glued to his face, tossing milk.
Man. Sometimes you just don't know a guy.
Last time we covered an MST3k ep, it was the infamous The Dead Talk Back, which stars basically Kermit the Frog as a psychic, dueling narrators, and bongo players. No seriously. They're billed in the credits. It was a Mike era ep, back when Frank and Forrester ran the show, with a rather amusing short, "The Selling Wizard" which was Anheuser-Busch's push to sell freezers to supermarkets. I know…I was hoping for more "high-octane suds" too.
Today's entry is also a Mike era ep of MST3k, season 8's I Was a Teenaged Werewolf, starring Landon as a young man with more than a few anger management problems. In fact, the first scene, with a credits sequence over billowing satin sheets (don't ask me), opens with a fist fight.
Now, I've seen bad fist fights in MST3k eps….my favorites are the ones from Horror of Party Beach and The Skydivers, and this one has a little better choreography, including Landon, playing the character Tony, chucking a handful of dirt into his friend's face.
Yeah. He fights dirty.
You can't get mad at me; that's a riff the bots and Mike beat me to.
The opening scenes reveal Tony's background: he's frequently in fights, has frequent bursts of anger and violence and milk-throwing (no joke; happens twice, on screen and alluded to by the police), and has people constantly tell him chill out--Depressing Dad and Uptight Girlfriend's Parents included. Its this volatile demeanor with chafing under authority that marks Tony for trouble.
Its not until Tony again lashes out at an innocent prank on a fellow friend during a Halloween party that he finally agrees to see a doctor about his problems. Before we move on, while Tony's irrational violence is actually pretty disturbing when you think about it in the long run, you can't blame his reaction of ground n' pounding this "arhythmic troll" for blasting a trumpet 2 centimeters from his ear.
Look at that smug ass look from the guy who doesn't bother saying anything. BAH.
I mean, look at these pranks:
Dead body in the closet a la Clue
Classic water on the doorframe:
The textbook spring loaded box of stuff:
Sure its not anything as bad as calling the cops and saying your friend is sniffing little girls' panties, but shit. I'd knock a guy out for trying to kiss me looking like a melted dead president:
Also ACTUAL DIALOGUE:
Girl: Supervised entertainment. 8 to 10.
Boy: Square dances and waltzes…and a cigarette is a crime.
Girl: *dramatic sigh*
Boy: *straight-faced fem snoot* Scooby-doo.
Crow: Mike. I'm gonna ask you to kill me right now. ….Mike, please kill me.
The Halloween party also involves a short song and dance routine by Cindy Lou Bozo and her aforementioned arrhythmic troll boyfriend. The song's kinda cute, about a guy who's a gold digger, looking for a rich sugar mama, so if you're into 1950s jazz-pop, you're in the right place. Or if you're into watching clowns in a mating dance.
ANYWAY. Tony ends up going to this Doctor Brandon for hypnotherapy. His glowing reviews of helping kids "like Tony" adjust come from the police and even Tony's girlfriend's cursory research.
Of course, its all a front. Dr. Brandon basically wants to make Tony into a science experiment by pumping him full of drugs then hypnotizing him into regressing to his violent childhood (wherein we learn Tony tended to pick fights even then), and soon back to before he was born (HELLO MOVIE PSYCHIATRY LOGIC), which in turn begins to turn Tony somehow into a werewolf.
To quote Joel in Manos: the Hands of Fate: "Makes sense to me, honey, what's your problem?"
The combo of the "good" doctor's help and a generous, Beluchi helping of scopolamine--which from my also cursory research proves it has nothing really to do with hypnotherapy, though when combined with other drugs like morphine, causes a sort of state called "twilight sleep" which was used to keep delivering mothers from feeling the pain of childbirth, so I suppose it can be argued that the cocktail Tony gets MIGHT be scientifically sound--starts to transform the troubled youth into something much more than a milk-throwing hyper-sensitive teen.
Its about as scientifically sound as horror movie mad science. See The Brain that Couldn't Die here. In fact, the doctor's assistant repeatedly brings up the ethical and moral violations to the Hippocratic Oath, and is constantly brow-beaten and kicked down like a kicked puppy. It'd have been easy to go to the police, but of course, where will our movie be?? It is slightly disturbing how the good doctor continuously comforts the poor boy as he drugs him and them does horrible, horrible mental gymnastics to make him remember truly painful experiences. There's a sinister overtone here that would probably be heavier handed if it was filmed today.
Tony's first victim is a teen from his circle of kids, whom is chased as he walks ALONE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST. The police are stumped, as its OBVIOUS he was killed by an animal (mentions of fangs making the wounds are made), though they're convinced that there aren't any in their town. Its not until their vaguely-accented janitor Pepe sees the photos that he claims he knows what killed the poor boy: a werewolf.
DUN DUN DUN.
Still, we're not quite past the 1 hour point in the movie, so more menacing scenes of Dr. Brandon mentally assaulting Tony, the assistant pleading ineffectually for mercy on the mad doc's behalf, Tony acting funny, and the police going to their top detective Pepe the janitor as more kids get mauled. Sadly, because of his supposed help, everyone thinks Tony is getting better, despite his growing concerns that things are NOT a-ok, and his cries for actual help become slowly ignored. Surely if the school trouble maker is acting more stable, he can't POSSIBLY be regressing!
Its not until Tony, transforming via transitional wipes and the sound of ear-level mounted school bells, attacks a gymnast in the school gym and is caught by the very principal who commended him only minutes before that he begins being hunted in earnest by the cops. And it only took a few dead bodies and the testimony of a shell-shocked principal to convince them that ol' Pepe must been right about the werewolf, despite only seeing autopsy pics. Someone get him on a CSI before it ends!
Check out the awesome camera angle of Were-Tony from the gymnast's POV:
Call it what you will; I think its actually pretty neat for the times.
In any case, with the police on the trail, they start hunting Tony down as well as interviewing and grilling everyone closest to him, including Depressing Dad, Waif Girlfriend, even Dr. Brandon who manages to elude outright arrest, but the cops know better. How they managed to connect the scattered dots, I can only assume was because the movie is moving into the third act.
Well. Pepe helped.
After killing a dog, Tony makes his way back to the good doctor to beg him for help, not knowing tragically this doctor was the orchestrator of his ultimate aria of doom. Too blinded by the nikhedonia of unveiling his greatest success, Dr. Brandon and wimpy assistant set up a camera to record the transformation. I won't completely spoil the ending, but I'm sure you can guess what happens. Its pretty satisfying. Sorta. If you were the kinda person who doesn't mind sad dog endings.
All things considered, the make-up effects weren't horrible, and if you're into the "I was a teenaged" something film genre, you'll find this classic still stands up as a cult classic. Landon delivers a rather convincing James Dean Lite, and while he has a mildly disturbing abusive streak, you kind of start to feel sorry for him. Its hard not to root for him to figure out what's wrong with him, when you got the svengali doctor manipulating someone who just wants to get help.
In the host segments, the story is that Pearl, Brainguy and Bobo go camping, leaving the SOL without power, and the crew being stalked by invading aliens. Amusingly Servo has a face-hugger for a few, then ends up attempting to go Rambo, but ends up, predictably, crying.
Servo crying becomes something of a recurring joke in later seasons, almost as much as having the group of Servos do singing choirs, which is doubly amusing since it means Kevin Murphy gets to dub his own singing 50 times in beautiful robot harmony.
In another host segment, the alien lays dozens of giant eggs, which Mike and Servo attempt to cook in a giant omelet, while Crow puts on his snooty restaurant critic schtick and makes Yelp look like a bunch of Triple A wannabes. You'll notice part of this segment actually appears in the opening for this season, and employs a rare high camera angle. In the end, the alien is repulsed by Mike's impression of the lead singer from Counting Crows, complete with greasy hair and off the shoulder cardigan. Pearl rounds out the ep with scary stories to tell in the dark.
If you're looking for a spooky, schlocky, cult horror ep to try, this is a classic. You won't be disappointed. Click image for the Club MSTk link to the full episode. Click the second link.
WATCH OUT, HE'S PACKING HALF & HALF!!
--Dio (10/3/15)
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