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Welcome! To the Random Lunacy Annual Halloween Countdown! Have a fruit roll-up!
Aren't ya gonna eat it? OH FOR CHRIST SAKE.
Anyhoo, welcome to the first post in 31 consecutive days of posting from me and our other lovely authors on the site (all....3 of us....8D). Ever since I finally rolled off my ass and got myself a tumblr, I've been amassing just gigs of worthless images and gifs. Mostly gifs. Yes. So my over stuffed image folders could use a little exercising.
This is where this comes in. I've been sitting on some unusual movie posters (most of them in this post are for movies I've had the pleasure of being introduced to via Mystery Science Theater 3000) for some time and figured now would be a great time to show them off. I've chosen, for the most part for the countdown, horror movies and the like. Now picture yourself in a now fading memory of a video rental store (in the beforetimes before Netflix and Hulu. Think HARD).
Can you pass up some of THESE gems? I don't think you would. (click for slightly larger, readable versions)
I'mma start you guys off hard and fast.
The Disco Exorcist. I've never watched it myself, but the taglines of "Get down. To Hell." and "He's the boogie man, baby." literally scream themeselves hoarse like tweens at a Gaga concert to grab your attention.
Truth be told, if you didn't stop after reading the title, then there's something seriously wrong with you. I'm having problems posting and writing about this without laughing.
I wonder if this is on Netflix? .....J-bird!!! 8D I have a project for ussssss!
Unrelated by horror but related by disco and, of course, our Savior, is this little gem I came across why perusing foufour:
White "Pop" Jesus. Which is, incidentally, what I sometimes say when confronted by weirdness. Like this.
Its Italian. I guess that's not much of an excuse unless you're prone to watching really bad spy movies from the 60s.
....I LIKED Diabolik. :(
So. White "Pop" Jesus? Why is "pop" in quotation marks? Why is this a musical? Why Jesus? Why white? @_@ GUYS HELP ME I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WORKS. Next time I'm on Synth's MST3K jtv channel, I'm so requesting this. If he can find it.
Remember guys, if anyone ever says that the Italians have great and wonderful cinematography and bring up gems like Suspiria, just think about WHITE "POP" JESUS. It may not help anyone's point but it sure does elicit juvenile giggles.
Speaking of bad, let's take a gander at some notably bad movies. Remember Manos: The Hands of Fate? Or Mangos: Cans of Fruit. WE ASK YOU NOT TO DIVULGE IT.
That the movie was bad? Sorry! 8D
What I love the most about the Manos poster is the fact that the description of the film: "A cult of weird, horrible people who gather beautiful women only to deface them with a burning hand" is....uh....less than accurate. I mean, its MOSTLY true, there are weird and horrible people in a cult there, yes, and women ARE indeed gathered by said cult (whether or not they are beautiful is really up to your own interpretation, but I argue they're easy on the eyes), but defacing them with burning hands? There's only 1 burning hand, and its not attached to anyone except for--albiet temporarily--Torgo, and that's more like dismembering (OUCH) than defacing....
Ooops. Did I divulge it? Sorry about that.
"We defy you to guess the ending"? Everyone dies and the movie ends with implication of child marriage?
Oops. Divulged again. Naughty Dio. I miss Torgo.
Continuing with some MST3K movie posters:
Hobgoblins!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH! D8 An obvious rip-off of the Gremlins genre of campy horror films, and Hobgoblins doesn't disappoint. In fact, lord almighty, this movie has so much garish lighting, horribly delivered dialogue and ridiculous hand puppets trying vainly to look menacing enough to harm "decent" individuals, that you won't be able to stop laughing. A favorite of mine for the sheer pleasure of bad, I recommend it for children of ALL ages (if children of all ages understand sex jokes, sex jokes, phone sex jokes, and did I mention sex jokes?)
Touch of Satan. Are you ready for a tepid love-story between a decades old witch in a supple young woman's body and a wandering puss of a man with a pretty sweet car, with a generous helping of DIALOGUE PAUSES LONG ENOUGH TO RUN TRAINS THROUGH? Well, look no further! I will admit the poster makes the film way more exciting, but standing milk also is way more exciting than even most of the climaxes in the movie.
"[...] Makes 'Rosemary's Baby' look like a Sunday School picnic". Makes the Manos claims seem almost Inception worthy.
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? With a title like that, how can a film go WRONG?
Note, Cash Flagg=Director Ray Dennis Steckler. Thought ya'll should know.
I love posters with that SEE! mentality.
SEE: THE FIRST MONSTER MUSICAL. ....Well, its kinda right...there's a shitton of music. Not all of it is GOOD, mind you, but its there. There's dancing too. I think. But unless you'd be snarky enough to say the dancers and singers ARE the monsters/zombies, no, its not really a monster musical. Its a musical that happens to have monsters IN it.
SEE: The dancing girls of the carnival murdered by the incredible nigh creatures of the midway! ....that's a swing and a tip fly ball. I wasn't aware there WERE a plural of night creatures in the film until the end, but ok. There's also a lot of periodic dog barking and/or Taz noises in the film.
SEE: The hunchback of the midway fight a dual of death with the mixed-up zombies! ....there's a hunchback in the movie??? >__> That's not a nice thing to say about Madam Estrella.
They meant Ortega? Ortega's less of a hunchback than Torgo, and Torgo's a poor man's Satyr.
That doesn't mean, DON'T SEE this movie. Please SEE this movie. "It onlyyyyyy hurrrrts"!
I don't really have much to say about Leprechaun 4: Leprechaun in Space that hasn't been covered by an infinitely better reviewer like Matt at X-Entertainment.
I just really wanted to bring you up to speed on the sequels to a pretty decent franchise.
And post the poster for the 6th movie. Which....is beyond me. Seriously.
I hear he was doing bongs in this one. I'll bet "where's my cocaine" was heard a lot from the set of this film. Hopefully not from Warwick Davis.
Another film that's been reviewed by Matt at X-E, the cover to the VHS was so...well, I guess inappropriate that you can't just walk by and not see it. Not inappropriate in that its graphic or too scary. Its just that, if I'm to remember the review properly, the whole "New Year" thing isn't really in the movie, besides from fleeting mentions.
I do admit the cover is...well, its there. Campy, silly, not really all that scary unless you're a real young tot. Not much else I can say about it. Decent try though, chaps.
This whole post isn't to say I've only grabbed BAD posters/covers. Here's a few that I actually find pretty decent.
Alice, Sweet Alice took me forever to remember the title, since the mask in the film and poster are so iconic, yet the film isn't one of those "classics" nor is it really a "cult classic". Its just a very good if underrated movie. Christine's cover has bothered me for years since I saw it as a child. Its one of those more subtle yet super-creepy pieces. they don't make posters like that anymore. Though I will admit when it comes to quality films, the last in the batch doesn't hold up to snuff. XD;;; But you do see a woman get screwed by a carrot in it. Just thought some of you need the motivation to check it out. If not, again, Matt's done us a service and reviewed it for us. No, I'm not getting paid to plug X-E. I'd do it for free.
I'mma close with 2 poster/covers for a film I HAVE watched and actually slightly regretted it, and with a bonus film still. Why? Because this film is just that BAD.
Ladies and gentlemen of the press, may I introduce you to the film that is The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror. Found one night while surfing our cable box for campy bad movies, this one totally takes the fucking cake. If you can't tell what the film's about, allow me to regale you with a succinct description: a deceptively gay-friendly B&B is run by a psychotic homphobe, and her sexually confused and creepy daughter, whom invite gay/lesbian couples to spend time there, only to brutally murder them.
Oh yeah, did I mention the horrifically mutated killer son in the attic, born of the homphobe's gangrape by republicans at a campaign? No? Well, then, there you are!
The camp and hilarity is all over the board with this one, folks. I wish I was totally lying about the weirdness in this film, but I'm not. I also should warn: its totally NSFW, and is in fact a soft-to-hardcore gay porn at times (we fast-forwarded through the sex scenes, mostly because...they kinda were boring XD;; ), but the payoffs in the film are worth the effort of slogging through badly lit gay sex. And the guys in this are pretty damned easy on the eyes. :3
You'll also have to excuse the sometimes really bad gay/lesbian stereotypes portrayed in the film, from the flamboyant drag queen, to the bitchy girl, to the really shy girl, but it does quickly and efficiently set up your kill fodder, as well as even keep you guessing who your final girl/gay will be. And even if you can easily guess how this film will end up in the end, you won't unless you sit down with it (I personally was surprised at the ending).
Well, there you all have it. A nice little way to start the countdown. Got a few posters you think I'd like? Or maybe have one for a film you'd like me to mention? Drop a comment or three on the humanscandrivestick tumblr ask or reblog and comment on the link on the tumblr! If I get enough, I might do another post! Have a happy October, Lunies!
--Dio 10/01/11
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