Kain and Raziel Go Decorating

Fiesta Pinata: Raziel. Stop sucking tea like a knee-biting limey and get to work.

Raziel: Wait. What? I'm busy, you candy-filled fire hazard. Go away.

Fiesta Pinata: Get moving. You guys gotta get some Halloween decorations up in here before the weekend's up. MOVE.

Raziel: Bite me (lol vampire joke B3). I've got enough trouble trying to digest this tea and scone w/o the proper internal organs. Step off, I'm fluent in forking your shit up.

Fiesta Pinata: If you don't get your ass to a Dollar Store or Target in the next five seconds, you're going to witness a pinata's revenge via ideas stolen from Audition and Oldboy.

Raziel: Fuck, but you are an antsy paper mache monstrocity, aren't you?

Raziel: Come on, you heard the paper pinata of doom. Let's go, Kain.

Kain: And why must I go with you, pray tell?

Raziel: Its either you or the ball joint dolls, which frankly creep me out. And I'm the soul-sucker in the household. I'll get you a Blood Lite, come on.

Kain: Fine, but you're watching Glee with me tonight.

Raziel: Glee was on Tuesday night, retard.

Kain: Not if you have a fast internet connection and Bittorrent.

Redd: Halt. Password? What do you say when I say, "Grass is greener..."

Raziel: I eat babies.

Redd: Ah! My platinum member! Welcome to Crazy Redd's Emporium! May I interest you in my fine selection of pumpkins?

Kain: Explain to me why we're in the Mexican pawn shop for pumpkins and not at a real pumpkin patch.

Raziel: No worries. Redd has great stuff.

Kain: Your collection of CardCaptor Sakura doujinshi does not qualify for the standard of "great stuff".

Raziel: I also got those 3-D gummy candy of Mario characters from here too.

Kain: Please tell me recently, and not sometime in the 1980s.

Raziel: No, you're thinking of the Nintendo mints I gave you before your hot date last saturday.

Kain: Fuck, no wonder Samus wouldn't call me back. She said she had food poisoning.

Raziel: She did. I didn't think you were going to let her have one.

Raziel: How about this?

Kain: Eh. From the expression and the way you're holding it, I'd say you were servicing it from the backdoor. Still, I'm sure we could find space for a gay pumpkin.

Kain: However, I have a far superior pumpkin. Notice its shape, artestry and the fact that we don't have to carve it in the first place. Plus, its levitating off my claw, and I'm not using my Jedi vampire powers to do so.

Raziel: Why is one of its eyes smaller? Looks like a complete failure of pumpkin genetics.

Kain: Then its a hellbilly-redneck pumpkin. Either way, I win. Put them in the basket.

Raziel: We're so taking this one home.

Kain: Why?

Raziel: Cuz its bigger than yours.

Kain: Pumpkin envy?

Raziel: To hell with that. It makes a great beanbag chair, and I've been so wanting one that matches the house. Can't get anymore Halloweeny and vampire-y than a pumpkin beanbag chair.

Kain: You're not a real vampire, dipshit.

Raziel: Don't hate cuz I have the bigger pumpkin.

Kain: You are not telling me we're buying this thing.

Raziel: Hey, its got fangs. And we can use it for an ottoman for the beanbag pumpkin.

Kain: Look, its bad enough we have fangirls who make us gay for their twisted and perverted needs; we don't need our living room to jump up and down, scattering rainbows and glitter everywhere, proclaiming we're gay vampire lovers.

Raziel: What the fuck are you talking about?

Kain: Not sure, it sounded good in my head at the time.

Kain: I have a serious need.

Raziel: More cowbell?

Kain: Well, that would indeed be feeding a hunger of mine, but no. We need something extra scary for the house. Something befitting of our vampire/soul devourer natures. Something that begs people who come over for our parties to ask us to gut and kill them because its so deliciously frightning.

Raziel: I'm not hanging up the New Year's Eve party photos from last year.

Kain: When did I pick up the soul reaver?

Raziel: Sometime between Avernus Cathedral and glaring plot holes from Blood Omen 2.

Kain: Actually, hanging up BO2 would be a great idea in the living room.

Raziel: Maybe we need something else. Something that represents Halloween in all its wonderful finery or fake blood and cheap cobwebs.

Kain: I got it. We need a ghost.

Raziel: Ghost, huh? I dunno, Kain. I might decide to eat it one night if I'm sleep eating.

Kain: You don't sleep, Raziel. You stay up all night playing WoW w/ NiGHTS.

Raziel: And Pokemon.

Kain: My god, you are a sorry sack of bones. Now go fetch a ghost. Blue Planet's coming on in 15 minutes.

Raziel: How's this?

Kain: Eh. Too cute. Plus, it'll never fit in the bathroom.

Raziel: How 'bout this one?

Kain: Please. I've had enough of Japanese ghosts. So over it.

Sadako: Sniff....;.;

Kain: Ok, now you're just stretching.

Kain: It appears we have reached an impasse.

Raziel: Hang on. I found something I think you'll like. It was in the back.

Kain: Is it fresh like Mentos?

Raziel: No.

Kain: T_T

Raziel: DO YOU LOVE IT?

Kain: You found a gigantic candy-dish made out of Bruce Campbell's severed head.

Raziel: So...you hate it?

Kain: I take back all those things I said earlier.

Raziel: What, about all the messianic stuff about Nosgoth, that Ariel isn't a see-through hose-beast, or that any movie on Lifetime is a good movie?

Kain: No, about the gay thing. I love you! ^^

Raziel: ^^ I knew you'd love it.

I LOVE YOU TOO KAIN. *blehdeblehblehbleh* --Dio 10/01/10

(previously a repost from the old Random Lunacy blog. Kain, Raziel and the Legacy of Kain series is property of Eidos and Crystal Dynamics, Aerith is property of Square Enix, Redd is property of Nintendo, and the Viva Pinata pinata is property of Rare. Thank you for not smoking.)