Scary Monsters...in Unscary Games: The Malboro

Have you ever played a game that’s not really meant to have really scary monsters, but somehow manages to freak ya out?

You may have several ways of answering this question (“Hai.” “NEIN!” “You’re a loony.”) and you may give an example or two.

But most people (and this is an assumption of mine) will probably go with some variation of “The fuck are you talking about?” when it comes to talking about scary monsters in a Final Fantasy game. How can there be ANY kind of scary monsters in a game like Final Fantasy? If someone were to pass by while you were playing a Final Fantasy game and saw you fighting flan or saving some sort of crystal, they’ll laugh their asses off if you tell them that there’s some scary things in these games.

In case you are wondering, there are. There are many terrifying monsters in the Final Fantasy series, ranging from monsters called Bombs that will literally explode if you let them, to T-motha-fuckin-Rexes. However, there’s one monster that you fight in these games that creeps me out the most, and it doesn’t have to do with any of the eldritch abominations seen at the end of Final Fantasy games. This monster’s name is mostly mistaken for the Marlboro Man, but no…I’m talking about Malboros. A malboro is a green, giant, ugly tentacle monster; it’s kind of Square’s homage to a beholder. It has numerous eyes and a large gaping mouth with lots and lots of teeth. Saliva’s oozing out of its mouth; it’s effectively drooling (as if to say “Mm, adventurers.”). It’s method of movement is slithering on its numerous tentacles, constantly writhing to keep it moving (if you’ve read my previous article regarding unnerving things, then you’ll know how much I LOVE tentacles!!). Its penultimate attack is called Bad Breath, which in turn could be an homage to the Marlboro Man we all know and love (and hate). If it hits you, you will be afflicted with nearly every status effect under the sun, barring Petrify and Death. The Malboro in this video, despite being taken down relatively fast, is even worse. It has Putrid Breath instead, which gives Bad Breath a bit of damage. It can also petrify you with its tentacles. But the scariest thing about this giant malboro? It will always ambush you. Woe to ye who battle this menace unprepared.

Through the 2-D iterations of Final Fantasies, Malboros were illustrated stills, so you didn’t find them as unnerving. With each passing 3-D Final Fantasy, they just got creepier and scarier. The Final Fantasy 10 Malboro was just one example…

Here’s another: