Russia Guides Iowa Democracy
DES MOINES – Following the successful implementation of Iowa’s new Voter ID, Governor Kim Reynolds has begun looking for more options to improve Iowa’s democracy. Reynolds started high level discussions with distinguished experts in public policy, such as Charles Koch, David Koch, Scott Walker, Meat Loaf, Sheldon Adelson, and Rebekah Mercer.
In a literal stroke of genius, Reynolds reached out to the only people who know how to make democracy work—The Russians. Reynolds—though warned by the State Department, the FBI, the Department of Defense, and the CIA to not involve a hostile foreign government in domestic political reform—persisted. Thus, Iowa’s “FORCE AMERIKA GREATERER” Initiative was born. Reynolds stated that she “will ensure elections in Iowa are as free and fair as those in Russia.” However, instead of sending a press release announcing a joint workshop with the Russian government, Reynolds’ office accidentally released a missive congratulating the governor on her re-election landslide this coming November.
“FORCE AMERIKA GREATERER” was kicked off by three sessions of the “Save Democracy from Being Demo-crazy” Workshop led by Sergey Kislyak, former Ambassador to the United States. The first session was titled “It’s Personal: Using Polonium with Style.” The seminar started with an infomercial-like display led by Ambassador Kislyak and Vince from ShamWow. The pair demonstrated various techniques for infusing “highly non-toxic heavy metals” to “neutralize the reign of terror of warm beverages over the forgotten man.”
The class was held in a Herbert Hoover High School chemistry lab and was attended by most of Reynolds’ staff, an indeterminate number of nondescript wealthy white men, two generic Republican governors, and the tortured Spirit of Voter Suppression’s Future. After a live demonstration where Vince collapsed after drinking a non-toxic beverage, the audience was herded outside to the football field.
Once on the field, the former ambassador began his second session, “Constructive Violence: The Art of Suppression.” The Ambassador produced a large Soviet-era boom box and inserted a cassette tape to start the session. The tape was a recording by Vladimir Putin explaining a team building exercise, all in the style of a 1980s education video. The exercise was effectively “Sharks and Minnows” but called “Big Fish and Small Fish.”
The delegation of Republicans was given seats on the bleachers, while students from Herbert Hoover High ‘played’ with Russian Security officers. The team building exercise consisted mostly of the “Big Fish” “simulating” the attacks on the “Small Fish”, after which the small fish quickly fled the field.
The scene descended into chaos as some local pyrotechnics set the football field aflame. The crowd was forced to seek shelter in a nearby Denny’s. The group of Republican leaders settled into cups of coffee, booze off a secret menu, and a PowerPoint on “False Flags to a Better Future.”
The now intoxicated Kislyak explained to the GOPers how to target civilian population centers, like apartment blocks or dorm buildings, to justify the use of force, but “not that Russia has any experience with that.”
Immediately afterward, Governor Reynolds announced her intention to invade northern Illinois, which she referred to as “Eastern-er Iowa.”