Strip Club Solves Dining Dollar Dilemma

Above: A recent evening at the Grille 'n Grind.

THE GRILLE – Every year, without fail, students are split into two different groups: those with too many dining dollars, and those with too few dining dollars. Clearly, this can only lead to one obvious solution: Grille ‘n’ Grind: Grinnell’s Premier Strip Club.

Upon entering the Grill, students will now be immediately confronted with two long catwalks next to both entrances. Music will no longer be chosen by individual workers – instead there will be a set playlist with modified strip club classics, including “(Dining) Dolla Dolla Billz Y’all,” “Get Low (for Guac Chips),” and “Dance (for MozA$$rella sticks).”

Once it gets dark outside, instead of raising the lights at the Grill, the workers are now required to lower them even further, and turn a poorly made strobe light onto the stage. Additionally, students who have volunteered to dance have gotten p-card readers installed on their bodies, so that other students can swipe and give them a dining dollar or two.

“Yeah I mean I’m like craving those Rice Krispie treats like crazy, and that’s $1.50 I don’t have on my P-Card. My only option is stripping for it,” stated second year Timothy Moore, as they ripped off their Velcro pants, and gyrated on the massive pole extending in front of the catwalk.

For a few extra dining dollars, students can hire some of the dancers to dance on top of the Grille tables while waiting entirely too long for their order of mozz sticks. For an extra kinky twist, the dancers will even dance on top of a table while removing a knife, spoon, or fork from the dispensing machine sensually with their feet.

“We’ve found that this is definitely the best model of business,” said an administrator who clearly has not been to the Grill after hours. “It’s a beautiful mixture of students sharing the resources that they have, and other students working hard for what they want.”

Students are also a proponent of the Grille ‘n’ Grind. Many tout it as “the best strip club this side of I-80,” while other students frequent the club since “they’re not doing much anyway.”

“Dancing for Grill ‘n’ Grind has actually been pretty good for me. I’ve been saving money and getting exercise all while having lots of fun!” said a second year student who refers to themselves as an exotic eater. “If my parents ask, NO, I don’t need dining dollars!”

To most students, the best part about the Grille ‘n’ Grind is that the food really lives up to the stereotype of being quite good. According to a student who permanently has over $200 dining dollars, the food is one of the best parts of the Grill ‘n’ Grind, a sentiment echoed by most of the dancers.

Despite most students and administrators supporting the new policy, Grille workers are not as happy about the changes.

“It’s kind of hard to do your homework when clothes are constantly flying everywhere. Also, it’s really hard to import body p-card readers into the system. Basically, this is the worst,” said an exasperated third year Grill worker, as they changed out of their uniform and into metallic gold briefs. “But like also, I’m out of dining dollars. A guy’s gotta eat.”