Our Good Friend Pete Brownell

Above: Grinnell residents basking in Pete's benevolence.

BROWNELLS - Grinnell College faculty and community members gathered on a facebook post earlier this week to discuss recent events surrounding the shooting in Las Vegas and the role that the CEO of the NRA, and Grinnell resident, Pete “they call me Pete” Brownell plays in the matter.

“Oh Petey, what a great guy,” exclaimed Sue Turner in a facebook comment. “I have known him since he was in diapers! What a cute little boy he was. What a great guy he has become. Look at his big company!”

“Pete does such great things for the community. Why, last month he took all of the College faculty members to the shooting range! So generous of him to share his values with the great professors at Grinnell,” stated Pete’s aunt, Nancy.

When asked about the backlash Pete has been facing in the wake of the Las Vegas tragedy, Pete’s fifth grade teacher stated, “Pete would never encourage something like that. When he was in my class he was so friendly to everyone and built little lego armies to protect his toys. Sometimes he would even throw his lego weapons across the room to share. So cute.”

Grinnell College’s President has confirmed Pete’s benevolent nature. “You know Pete?” Raynard Kington asked, beaming. “Pete’s great. You know he funds the Ignite program? What a great experience for everyone involved. He also served as a judge for Pioneer Weekend.” When pressed for details about Brownell’s role in the NRA, Kington dismissed this detail as trivial. “Oh, that’s just Pete. This is Iowa. It’s just how it is.” Kington declined to reveal the extent of Brownell’s funding.

Kington also responded to accusations that the faculty outing to the Brownell’s shooting range was inappropriate and “out of line with Grinnell morals.”

“No, no you’re getting this all wrong. This is an incredible feat for our Zone of Confluence. Buddying up with ol’ Petey here is doing wonders for the relationship between the College and the Town. Everyone is bonding over triggers, you know? Our professors are learning to communicate in the language of the government. And isn’t that what we want from our educators? Success?” Kington said.

“In fact, we are actually planning on naming the HSSC complex the Brownell HSSC complex as a way of honoring Pete’s character and moral compass, which he demonstrates by giving money to the college. I can think of nothing more fitting than for students to learn about truth and humanity, the tenets of our institution, than in the Brownell Humanities and Social Sciences Complex.”

The Grinnell campus of the Iowa Valley Community College also expressed its gratitude for Brownell’s presence. “It’s great for our Gunsmith Technology program,” remarked school administrator Sam Miller.

“We almost have a little pipeline for our graduates into Brownell’s. Pete’s generosity makes this partnership possible.” Miller declined to reveal the extent of Brownell’s funding.

Several community members have also brought up the fact that Pete’s wife ran Grinnell’s local Hillary Clinton campaign in 2016.

“See, there’s nothing wrong with Pete,” commented Turner. “You can’t be for Hillary and for guns at the same time! That just doesn’t make any sense. If his wife was with her, then that probably means Pete was, too. He’s totally fine. Don’t worry, I guarantee.”

Turner continued, “When Pete accidentally shot the neighborhood cat with his M2 Compact 9mm handgun, he held a beautiful funeral and invited all the neighborhood kids. An incredible guy. We really just wish the best for Pete, his family, and his company. He is such a great straight, white, male, deserving of everything in life.”