Low Speed Tractor Chase

MAC FIELD – A tense three-week chase has ended in stalemate after an unidentified rogue tractor driver took off across Mac Field on a two-mile-per-hour rampage.

Sources report the driver, who responsibly took regular breaks for hydration and equipment maintenance, was seen commandeering the large, unlicensed vehicle in a zig-zag schema across the campus plains.

CA’s, SEPC’s, and a few members of Campus Safety erected a fence around the perimeter of the chase; installed video surveillance; and hired round-the-clock coverage through GSPN (Grinnell and Sports Programming Network) to televise from and thus boost profit of the chase.

“And also doing whatever is necessary to keep students safe,” added Marvin Canna, staff member of Student Affairs, in an afterthought memo.

For a three-week pursuit, the driver and their tractor wrought havoc across the field, tearing up otherwise state-of-the-art dirt, and neglecting to comment. Throngs of students gathered at the fence, entranced by the scene, but so far there has not been a consensus as to what the target of the chase could possibly have been.

“It’s a bird!”

“It’s a crane!”

“It’s attractive!” were some of the most popular theories (others were muffled by the tractor gnashes.)

Others were less enthused.

“We weren’t in any danger at all. The thing was going like, two miles an hour. I’d like to see how much of my tuition went into that fence,” said Arnold Bouban ’21.

(Investigators confirmed presence of Bouban’s tuition dollars buried in the turned-over sludge.)

Some, though, are grateful for the change of scenery:

“It’s not every day, or I guess, every three weeks that you get to watch a low speed chase like that. I wanted to be as close to the action as possible and with the fence I knew I’d be safe,” said Simone Nguyen ’18.

As for the driver of the tractor, they remain at large. The casualties of the chase include the previously perfectly flat pile of dirt on mac field and the collective North Campus attention span. It is yet unknown whether Mac Field will return to its former glory.

The driver could not be reached for comment as he sped slowly away.