Hot Weather Heralds Hell's Arrival

GRINNELL CAMPUS – A source within RayK’s administration contacted B&S to reveal that the past week’s heat wave was not the caused by natural weather patterns or climate change, but was in fact the result of hell attempting to break through the earth’s crust and spill onto Grinnell’s surface.

The shadowy administrator, who refused to provide their name, pronouns, or official job title confessed that the college has been tracking hell’s approach for some time, and believes that the combined weight of the students and faculty’s sins have been acting as a homing beacon.

“Our task force has been hiding the effects for years, but I just couldn’t stand the shame anymore.” They told us through a heavy voice modifier. “The wild parties, the Key Largo blend vegetables, illogically making people dispose their silverware before their tray, it all kept adding up, culminating in this heatwave.”

“We’ve tried everything we can think of to maintain order.” They explained as the reason for the coverup. “We had to close Bob’s when the brimstone fumes started leaking through, and we even started this whole environmental global warming crisis committee to throw people off the scent, but it’s still coming and there’s no way for us to stop it.

The source also confirmed Norris hall as the epicenter of the ascension, where on Thursday the heat became strong enough to trigger the dorm’s smoke detectors.

“Oh yeah,” Said Allison Sharp ’21. “It happened in the middle of the night, the whole dorm was in a panic. I had a test the next day too, so I knew immediately it was the work of the devil. That’s why I’ve put crucifixes all over my room now. I really need that A in physics.”

When questioned what she thought might have triggered this sudden escalation of the college sinking into the abyss Sharp said,“Oh it was definitely that stolen dorm lounge end table that did it, just on top of everything else, I mean. Though honestly when they said the entire dorm had to pay for the stolen property I didn’t think the price would be so high. Self gov is wild.”

When we asked our informant when exactly students can expect the hellfire’s arrival, they told us that upcoming forecasts of rain could stall the demonic hosts for a while but that “It’s coming for us all, and it won’t stop. It won’t ever stop. Dhall will burn and the Noyce mist will turn to blood. 2017 is the year our sins finally catch up with us. Personally, I’m taking up Satanism.”