student faces unending day

SOUTH CAMPUS – On Halloween, a pair of fifth-grade twins descended upon Main Hall around 6:00 PM. At the sweet spot in life where one is too old to trick or treat with one’s parents but young enough to continue trick or treating, these young hooligans decided to mix it up this year by trick-or-treating in a new locale.

“You know what, I’ve done this trick or treating business for years – I’ve been around the block before,” remarked Alex, wearing his pirate costume. “Let’s go to the dorms.”

“We wanted to see what goodies the college students had,” chimed in Heidi, all decked out in a white sheet with holes in it, dressing as a ghost. “Mommy always warned me to stay away from the main building. Now’s the chance.”

Upon approaching the entrance via 6th Avenue, the children entered the dorm after encountering a student leaving with their laundry.

“Yeah, I let them in,” admitted Harris Miller ’19, a resident of Loose Hall. “It’s no big deal. It’s not like I live in Cleve or Main, anyways.”

When asked by reporters what they thought of the dorms, “Definitely the smell,” Alex reflected. “Just like the school gym.”

“Even worse,” said Heidi. “More like the cafeteria. I’m looking forward to transitioning to college dining halls one day.”

According to Alex, there was no answer at the first door they knocked on.

“That was pretty frustrating. It takes a lot of courage to knock on a college student’s door. I swear I heard someone moan, but whatever it was stopped after I knocked. Spooky!”

However, the second door brought better luck.

“He was pretty surprised and he smelled like a skunk,” said Heidi, “But he gave me a plant! He told me it was better for me than cigarettes, which I don’t understand.”

The third try brought more confusion. “The girl who opened the door seemed so nice!” exclaimed Alex. “She said she was giving me scotch, but she just gave me a glass of apple juice. I was disappointed, I could have used some tape. We still got some pencils, though.”

Heidi and Alex decided to try one last dorm room. “This one was the worst,” Alex said. “She gave me this little square, squishy package and said it would be useful someday and could teach me something. I have no idea what it is.”

Alex and Heidi left the dorm with enough time to resume trick or treating in the neighborhood. “We decided to leave the dorm and go back to the houses. At least we can eat raisins,” Heidi mourned.

“Yeah, college students give even worse stuff out than adults. It’s like they haven’t even heard of candy. Sure, they have their plants and juice, but where’s my KitKat?” questioned Alex.

However, Alex and Heidi decided to keep their worthless trinkets as mementos from a daring evening. “I like gardening, so maybe I can use this plant for something,” Heidi said. “My dad will probably know what to do with it.”

“I’m saving this apple juice for a special occasion,” Alex promised. “It smells really strong.”

After going home and eating their raisins, Alex and Heidi fell asleep for the night. However, when they woke up, something was amiss.

“All I can find is the pencils!” Heidi shouted. “Where’s our loot?” Alex begged.

Meanwhile, their parents were fast asleep, for once satisfied with trick or treating.

Sources confirmed this morning that student Kevin Hayden ‘18 suspects he is either stuck in a time loop or just going through this normal routine as a student.

Hayden told reporters that his suspicions that he was reliving the same day over and over began an indeterminate number of days ago when he went to the dining hall to get breakfast. “I was sitting down with my same waffle order as always, alone in the same booth as always, and I thought to myself, ‘you know, I’m pretty sure this is the exact same morning that I lived through yesterday, and every day in recent memory for that matter.’ Not one hundred percent sure, like, it could just be that I’ve gotten myself into a really deep, really boring rut, but it was definitely a possibility that I entered into a horrific temporal abnormality.”

Hayden, a second year and psychology major, said he was not particularly worried upon realizing that it was probable that he would have to relive the exact same day for all of eternity. “I mean, yeah, it’s a pretty disturbing thought, but I was too busy with school to make a big deal about it. I mean, I had to scarf down my waffles to make it to my calculus class on time, which may or may not be the same class replayed over and over and over.

“It’s basically a living hell but, y’know, that’s college,” added Hayden, smiling and shrugging.

Hayden cited numerous other pieces of evidence for his growing theory that his life in stuck in a never-ending loop. “I sit with the same people in the same spot in the d-hall every day and the conversations are more or less verbatim copies of the day before, complaining about homework and some scandal in the White House that is identical to the one the day before. The weather is always gray, overcast, chilly. I always have the same underlying feelings of depression and anxiety that I know I should go see someone at SHACs about but never have time to.”

Those close to Hayden showed similar uncertainty about his time loop theory. “It’s really hard to tell if he’s stuck in a time loop. If so, he’s not doing much to break it, he pretty much goes through the motions of a normal, overworked college student day in and day out,” said Brooke Nunez, a friend of Hayden. “Though I wouldn’t catch on unless I were in a time loop along with him, would I? Come to think of it, I haven’t had a single notable experience or deviation from routine in a couple months now. Maybe I am. Or maybe I’m just sleepwalking through life, numb to all experience and dead to the world. Anyway, I gotta get to class, see you.”

Hayden claims that the amount of time that has elapsed since the time loop began has been, “anywhere from two months to four years.”

When asked if he had tried asking someone if they remembered something from the previous day, staying up until the next day, using the time loop to his advantage to gain extra information and master his twenty-four-hour prison, or checking a calendar, Harris said, “Ya know, it occurred to me, but I’m so busy these days, and I may be for the rest of my existence, that I really haven’t had time to do much but schoolwork.”