Parents Adopt Prospie
SPRINGFIELD, IL– Sarah and Dave Grunewald of Springfield, Illinois, parents of Grinnell College second year Duncan Grunewald, got more than they bargained for when they accidentally took a prospective student home after Parents’ Weekend. After making the four-hour drive from Grinnell to Springfield, Illinois, during which they contemplated the many ways in which Duncan had managed to disappoint them and wondered where they had gone wrong as parents, they discovered a sleeping prospective student in the backseat.
The prospie reportedly snuck into their car for a nap, exhausted by such prospective student activities as “close your eyes and imagine a campus that is not hideously disfigured by construction, as this is all very temporary” and “how to correct people who think you’re going to Cornell without blowing up in anger”. The Grunewalds were initially unsure what to do with the prospie, but quickly realized his potential when he immediately requested a computer to finish his homework for the next week upon waking up.
“It was very clear to us from the start that this prospie has more potential than Duncan ever will, and we are very optimistic about what the future holds,” says Dave Grunewald, who took it upon himself to change the prospie’s name from “Chris” to “Duncan 2.0.”
Dave continued, “Frankly, Duncan has been a spectacular disappointment and a huge source of shame to this family. His GPA is dismal, he hasn’t landed a single summer internship, and he wastes all his time playing video games. Instead of getting an email that Duncan made the Dean’s List this semester we got a letter from his RLC that he had won the “fuck hygiene,” competition on his hall. We were very lucky that Duncan 2.0 came along so that we can prove we are not bad parents.”
Sarah Grunewald proudly listed off all of Duncan 2.0’s accomplishments and extracurricular activities, including but by no means limited to a 4.0 GPA, a 2350 SAT, Model UN, Varsity basketball and soccer manager, attendance at an array of AP classes, and a position as a member of the student body. Duncan 2.0 reportedly spends his spare time volunteering at the local soup factory, serving as a mentor to inner-city pets through the Big Barker Program, and running marathons.
Sarah stated, “Duncan 2.0 shows a lot of promise. We’ve already hung all our hopes and dreams on him and expect him to make us very proud. It’s been so long since we felt proud of a child that we almost forgot what it felt like. I’ve had to hang onto the memory of Duncan winning a football trophy for ‘Most Improved’ in 3rd grade for all these years. It’s been the one thing that sustained me. But I’m sure that Duncan 2.0 will bring us countless moments like that.”
Asked about what excites them the most about Duncan 2.0, Sarah confesses, “I can’t wait to wipe the smirk off of my friend Martha’s face. She is always going on and on about her kids’ accomplishments and treating me with fake pity and condescension. Wait until she sees how successful Duncan 2.0 is.” Dave, on the other hand, is looking forward to having a son who is rich enough to put his parents into one of the fancier nursing homes. Reached for comment about being disinvited to Thanksgiving, Duncan was coming off the tail-end of a three day bender and was incoherent.