administration promotes protests

MAIN CAMPUS- In a surprise announcement earlier this month, the Grinnell College administration has decided that certain protests are actually okay.

“Students know they have the constitutional rights to speech, assembly, and petition, and it seems the only way they ever want to exercise those rights is through protests,” administrator Jackie Fitzherbert said.

“It’s such a shame they don’t want to devote their time and energy to more productive tasks, like calling alumni to demand more money.”

“We see this as a reasonable compromise,” administrator Owen Ingelbret said.

“Since most things they protest about interfere with the administration’s beliefs and cause a general nuisance, we figured it was time we handed down a few suggested guidelines for more useful things they can protest.”

High on this list of guidelines was protesting the U.S. government’s impending decision to tax all college endowments, including Grinnell’s. Kington responded.

“It’s ridiculous, how dare the government soil our hard-earned money with its grubby little orange paws!” RayK exclaimed, stroking a stack of hundred dollar bills.

“I’m calling on all Grinnellians to reach out to their representatives and senators in Congress to share their concerns about these proposed changes in tax law that would have a significant impact on our entire campus community. I can’t have this allowance made completely unconditionally legal for them to protest around campus willy-nilly, that would be counterproductive because then they wouldn’t be in the real room where it happens.”

Kington promised that for every phone call a student makes protesting the endowment tax, he will see to it that 5 dollars are divested from fossil fuels.

Other condoned protests notably listed in the guidelines include building a wall around Mac Field, tearing down the new CRSSJ, and calling for the annexation of a third gold course.

In order to facilitate the protests without interfering with other campus activities, the college has invested in yet another construction project. This one will involve tearing down Food House to create space for a RayK-endorsed “protest building.”

“The premise is very simple,” Grinnell trustee Alana Vorp ’69, the brains behind the project, explained.

“You walk inside and immediately sign in on an attendance sheet—that way the college can monitor how much foot traffic protest groups are getting, and so that they know who to guilt-spam into returning. Then you get ushered into a little room where you’re handed a prepared script to read, and after they record you saying it, they take your photo. All this information is then uploaded to the Grinnell website, as proof of the college’s commitment to social justice and diversity.”

So far, student reactions have been by and large positive. Hector Alvarez ’19, for example, is relieved he doesn’t have to spend so much time worrying about what he needs to protest about.

“I used to stress over choosing between protesting police brutality or Title IX legislation, or wonder how I’d be able to juggle them with my classes,” he said. “But now I get to let the college decide all that for me, and I can earn credit for taking part in endorsed protests as an extracurricular! It’s a dream come true, I’m so glad I don’t have to think about all this for myself.”