Social Justice Warrior Remembers FM Worker's Name

YOUNKER HALL – In a developing story, Social Justice Warrior Zach Johnson ‘20 remembered his FM worker’s name this morning. When pressed for details, Johnson tried to downplay the event. “After taking my morning shower, I stepped out and saw Jane grabbing the trash, so I said hi. Yeah, I used her name. It’s no big deal. I wanted to empty my razor in the trash, anyways.”

The Admissions office has decided to promote this notable event on the college website and in brochures, writing in an email that “this is what we’ve been striving for in our zone of confluence. We want students and staff to bond. We could take a really good picture of the two of them and write a cute little story to try to ward off this fear of Trump country.”

Johnson admitted that he resorted to DB to confirm his FM worker’s name in advance. “I asked her last week for her name, but I couldn’t quite remember it. Like, I knew it started with a ‘J,’ but how am I supposed to remember someone’s name? I’ve had a lot of reading for Introduction to Philosophy this week. It actually took a lot of effort for me to find her on DB. I’m surprised I could recognize her face.”

Local members of the Grinnell Historical Society believe this is the first recorded incident in college history where a student knew their FM worker’s name. Historians hope that an article about this event could make the Grinnell Herald-Register, and they intend to capitalize on this opportunity to publicize the local museum.

Johnson has attempted to refuse the attention so far. “I did this to be altruistic, not for the fame. That’s the mark of a true Social Justice Warrior. I am hoping to get noticed by this one cute girl, though. I see her everywhere but I don’t know her name. We almost made eye contact in the loggia yesterday.”

There are whispers that this incident might be exaggerated or even completely false. Maria Ortiz ’21, Johnson’s next door neighbor, said that “this is some bullshit. I don’t know our FM worker’s name, but it’s definitely not Jane.” Carl Ericson ’20 also rejects this story, since he “was perched on the toilet and I left the door open. I can hear everything from there, and Zach didn’t even shower that day.”

Johnson strongly asserts the validity of his tale. “I can’t remember her name now because I’ve been thinking so much about Plato, but there’s no way Maria knows better than me. And Carl’s weird. I talk kind of quietly when I’m nervous, and we didn’t say much. I was in a bit of a rush, and we probably wouldn’t have anything to talk about, anyways.”

Although it was difficult to find the relevant FM worker, she was happy to comment for the story. “Zach’s a sweetheart. He always says hi to me, and we’ve really bonded over our love for ‘80s rock. And Maria and I get along really well. I love her room. Then Carl’s really into cooking, and I’ve actually given him some family recipes. They’re some of the nicest students I’ve met. I think I’ve really connected with all of them.”

Research at press time revealed that the FM worker’s name is actually Jenny.