Pre-Registration: A Debutante Debut
THE JOHN CHRYSTAL CENTER – The administration has decided to replace the normal pre-registration this year with a debutante ball at Harris, thinking the customary ceremony for elite adolescent women to declare themselves eligible for marriage would be easier than the current system of registering for classes. Spots at the ball will only be given to women. These women can go by themselves or choose either two intelligent people or four fuckbois to escort.
Debutantes (and potential guests) will sign up for classes between songs at the ball, ensuring they get their choice, while the rest of the student body will be left to fight over the scraps after the event is over.
Administrator Diana Watson ‘83 decided to replace preregistration with the debutante ball to prepare students for the realities of the twenty-first century economy. “In this increasingly winner-take-all job market where some make gobs and gobs of money but most barely scrape by in dead-end service sector jobs, we thought that using a debutante ball as the vehicle through which students sign up for classes would not only be simpler than WebAdvisor but would also give them a sense of what the ‘real-world’ is like.”
“It’s also a great way to network,” added Watson.
However, Watson said that students who are not invited should not fret too much, as there will be some opportunities for them to get good course placement. “Students who sign up to serve food at the event will receive a few spots in coveted courses, if the attendees tip them well.”
While previously students had to sign up for classes on WebAdvisor, one of approximately 19,436 websites necessary to function at Grinnell College, students will get a chance to mark down one course they would like to attend after each song.
To do this, students will sign their name and course preference on a gold-leafed piece of paper using an ink quill. In keeping with Grinnell’s tradition of social justice, however, the paper is 5% recycled.
These pieces of paper will then be deposited into a 300-year-old mahogany jewelry chest that once belonged to a mistress of John Fitzgerald Kennedy and more recently Martin Shkreli.
Twine made from zebra pelts will then be attached to the legs of a flock of doves who will carry the chest from the ball’s location at the most elite spot in Grinnell, the Grinnell College Country Club, to the house of president Kington, where enemies of the state will sort through the slips of paper and tabulate the results.
Only after the debutantes and their escorts are secured spots in their preferred courses will the commoners be able to sign up for classes. Slips of paper with the remaining available spots in courses will be tossed down from the Main Fourth fire escape where the plebeians are expected to fight each other for spots.
The Administration has decided to allow sawed-off broom handles and large slabs of meat as weapons but has drawn the line at broken bottles. Writing implements will not be provided, however, so the unfortunate are expected to sign their names via fingerpaint and spilled blood.
“I’ll not have broken bottles being used as weapons on my campus,”declared RaylioKaylio.
Because it is hard to find the necessary elbow-length white gloves that debutantes must wear, the College will be providing them. However, the gloves have generated controversy among students because they are made with prison labor.