'21 implanted with self-gov chips

NORRIS HALL – This year, apart from receiving mandatory vaccinations, each member of the class of 2021 was implanted with a small chip. In response to criticism that “self gov is dead”, College president Raynnrd Kingtin has instituted a new program aimed to educate the class of ‘21 on what exactly self-governance is on a personal level. Kingtin hopes to continue the program with each incoming first year class, with the intent that in four years’ time the entire student body of Grinnell will have a firm grasp of what exactly self-gov is.

“Up to this point, we’ve just had the First Years go out and look at that weird, abstract statue behind Noyce and told them that the concept of self-gov is like the statue. No one really knows what the fuck it’s supposed to be,” said Kingtin.

So far, the chips have worked as intended.

“I wouldn’t say it’s too invasive,” stated Jenna Chang ’21. “If someone says self-gov is dead or something like that, I hear RayKay’s voice whispering sweet nothings in my ear, like ‘self-gov is love,’ ‘your tuition dollars are being put to good use,’ or ‘Bob’s Underground was a student safety hazard.’”

Other students have had more trouble adjusting to the chip’s interference. Trevor McLean ’21 claims to hear a high-pitched shrieking noise whenever he approaches one hundred yards of High Street. Anna Rodrigues ’21 is certain the chip holds emetic properties and causes forceful vomiting when a student ingests alcohol. Maggie Jorgensen ’21 says Anna just can’t hold her liquor.

Sensing the potential for a learning opportunity in the wake of self-gov’s rebirth, biology professor Dr. Ann Clinton deployed a squad of students from her BIO 264 course to research the new chip’s actual neurological mechanism. A fleet of upperclassmen, donned in glow-in-the-dark lab coats and overpriced safety goggles, descended upon Norris residence hall in the middle of the night. They retrieved, dissected, and examined a random specimen from among the population. Caught completely by surprise, the student researchers located a foreign object embedded in the specimen’s temporal lobe. Upon closer inspection, they determined the object to be a Lay’s baked cheddar and sour cream potato chip.

“Yeah, that’s definitely not what we were expecting. We’re not really sure how RayKay pulled this off,” says student researcher Justin LePage ’19. “Weirdly enough, the taste of the chip was not affected.”

The research team plans to conduct another dissection in the next few weeks in an attempt to draw further conclusions.