Search for New Chief Financial Officer Continues
Above: A team of safety officers track the replacement CFO into the woods of Canada.
ACROSS THE COUNTRY – In a Special Campus Memo emailed out to the college, it was announced that the search for the Chief Financial Officer’s successor is still ongoing.
Heath Burk, who had only just been hired to replace the retiring CFO, mysteriously disappeared at the start of November and has not been heard from since.
“We are doing all we can to track down Mr. Burk,” announced President Kington early Monday morning, gesturing to what had once been the construction site for the HSSC. “In fact, I have enacted interim reporting and responsibility changes to ensure continued smooth operations in the search. As you can see, we’ve suspended all construction indeterminately in order to set up a makeshift guard dog compound. It’s staffed with over four hundred dogs specially trained to chase after and hunt down the fugitive Burk.”
The sudden presence of guard doggos constantly coming and going from their 24-hour bloodlust hunts has not seemed to disrupt daily traffic patterns around campus, but many students have been left puzzled.
“I’ve never heard of any so-called Special Campus Memos before,” admitted Cathy Flickinger ’19, “so I’m still pretty confused why we suddenly got all these fluffy little Yorkies running around everywhere. But hey, I’ve always been a pupper person, so I’m not complaining!”
In the meantime, flyers containing photographs of Heath Burk have been circulated across campus and throughout the town proper of Grinnell. They depict a blurry silhouette obscured by a white question mark, with the caption: “WANTED: Heath Burk, Successor to Chief Financial Officer. REWARD: 1,000 Dining Dollars.”
Multiple individuals connected with Burk have commented on his sudden disappearance, including fellow would-be administrative colleagues as well as his own family.
“Mr. Burk seemed like such a promising young candidate,” one administrator lamented. “You’d think with eight months’ advance warning to find someone qualified to replace our retiring Chief Financial Officer, we’d find someone who wouldn’t desert us this time. What a shame, really.”
“It’s so unlike Heath to do something like this,” spouse Chris Miller said. “Normally we talk every decision over, and lots of discussion and careful planning with our family went into moving to Iowa when he took the job. I don’t understand what made him suddenly leave us like this!”
“I saw Daddy shoving papers and underwear in a big black suitcase,” eight-year-old daughter Bailey said. “He said something about not taking a buncha bad-word-I-can’t-say from a son of a bad-word-I-can’t-say. But I don’t think he knew I was there because I’m super sneaky and I snuck out of bed to go to the bathroom, or he wouldn’ta said those bad words.”
As the search for the CFO successor continues, there has been much speculation as to what could have prompted his sudden urge to suddenly skip town in the dead of night. Some say it was the less-than-adequate Dhall food that warded him off.
Others say it was the Noyce Mist that perpetually clogged his brain and is mind-controlling him into running off to join a cult devoted to sustainable community development. Still others believe it was an inside job, organized by Kington to distract everyone from some sinister true purpose to the Grinnell construction.
But until Heath Burk is tracked down and forced to talk—before his memory is forcibly wiped and he’s brainwashed with unquestioning loyalty to the Sons of Old Grinnell—we may never know.